Posted in Relationships

Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

The summer is flying by! I can’t believe August is almost over! Summer always feels like it’s over before it even starts. It seems weird to even suggest that summer is nearly gone this year because I feel like I haven’t been able to really relish it yet with any lazy days.

This week I finally had a few days off and was able to relax and forget about life. Which sounds terrible, but I needed a break from my life. Lately, my job has been stressful, and so has my relationship.

After all this time, I still have so many doubts. I keep stressing over the what-ifs.

What if I’m forcing my relationship?

What if I still can’t recognize unhealthy behavior?

What if I’m not what he wants?

Except for my what-ifs aren’t unwarranted.

I’m overthinking and expecting the worst. When we first started dating, I assumed Hector was too nice and too good for me. I know there was a time when I was scared, pushed him away, and self-sabotaged my relationship before it started. Thinking he was better off dating someone nice, not someone jaded and bitter like me. Thinking I was too damaged to date.

Now things are different. I think I’m trying my best to be a great girlfriend. At times it feels like I’m still failing at this whole dating thing. I’m patient with him on some things since this has been his longest relationship. And he’s patient with me. I’m hoping we can understand each other better. Nowadays, people don’t seem to let each other close to having a more in-depth conversation.

And this has me thinking maybe this is all wrong. Perhaps I’m forcing us to move too fast. We don’t have in-depth conversations anymore. We see each other a lot, and we talk a lot. It’s a lot happening, but it feels kinda fake.

I’m starting to think we need to slow everything down. I feel like I forgot to ask essential questions because when we see each other every day, there isn’t time to think about what’s happening.

I know I keep saying that we see each other, but it’s not quality time. It’s him picking me up from work or driving me wherever. It is tiring being around each other, or at least that’s how he feels. And he has a right to feel that way.

He doesn’t ask for much, and I know I do. I’m a high-maintenance person who acts like they aren’t high-maintenance. I’m trying not to ask him to spend so much time with me. I started to accept spending time together when he would pick me up from work. Yet that became a problem because he doesn’t like driving me around. So I’m trying not to ask for as many rides. We stopped face timing, and I try only to call when it’s a necessity.

Because I work so much, all I want when I’m not at work is to sleep and spend time with him. I guess my actions don’t translate to, “I miss you, I love you, and I want actual time with you.” Instead, it comes off as a “needy girlfriend with separation anxiety.” He didn’t say it exactly, but he definitely hinted at that. He asked me what my hobbies are other than spending time with him.

Lately, there’s been a noticeable distance between us. He’s stressed from his life, and I’m stressed from mine. Relationship problems are the last thing we need. But we have them, and now I don’t know how to navigate the relationship.

I can’t suddenly ask for quality time. We’ve had a few dates, but if we were together for an extended time, it’s mostly been us and a friend or a group setting. I’ve tried to plan dates and vacations, and he shuts me down before I can’t even get my hopes up.

I tried to talk to him, but I can’t tell him how I really feel. It feels like he doesn’t want to spend time with me alone. I think I should stop trying to spend time alone because he either doesn’t want to or doesn’t realize how far apart we’ve grown.

Due to all this stress, I’m under my anxiety, and my depression is awful right now. Each day I feel less and less mentally stable for a relationship.

How do I explain to him that I’m angry that I wake up some days because I’d rather die than keep living this way? Sometimes I feel alone. I feel like a secondary character. I think that my consciousness only appears when something that needs immediate attention. That sounds stupid, I know. But sometimes, I feel unconscious in my life. I don’t mean that in some type of ‘woke’ way. I feel as if I’m not present at the moment. Sometimes my emotions and my thoughts distract me from enjoying my life. It feels like I overthink so much I can’t stop focusing and concentrate. I am thinking about the past or the future, or something other than what I’m doing.

How do I explain I’m going back into myself? That I’m tearing myself apart, and yet I’m no longer building myself back up. It’s like I’m chipping away who I am and just leaving behind an empty shell.

It’s a time like this; I don’t feel I have the right to be a part of someone else’s life. I don’t think I’m mentally ready for a relationship. It’s almost lying to him by trying to be positive and what I think he wants. I neglect myself. I haven’t been writing or talking to my friends, and all I do is go to work and use my boy as emotional support. I have nothing going on for myself and use him as a distraction.

Sometimes I think he has to know I’m not doing all that well, considering how much weight I’ve gained and how disorganized my room has become.

But other times, when he says things like the reason we don’t live together yet, I’m a slob and lazy, and just wants to keep things separate when he asked me why I don’t have hobbies or do anything with my time. I don’t know if it is to hurt me or if he genuinely doesn’t know what he’s saying.

I’m trying to better myself, but it’s so hard getting out of bed. I’m going to start back writing on my blog and working out again, and forcing myself to be better. Because I want to be what he wants. I want him to want me.

But I know I’m wanting after something I’m not going to get. I’m wasting my time. He doesn’t want to move in with me; he doesn’t want to marry me- he’s told me these things. I just wish he could be upfront with more things. So I could really know where I stand in his life.

But he doesn’t know what he wants, and I’m stuck here being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. An MPDG has one job; she gives new meaning to the male hero’s life!

And I just so happen to fit the description to the fucking tee. A woman who is energetic, high on life, full of wacky quirks and idiosyncrasies (generally including childlike playfulness), often with a touch of wild hair dye.

I can’t even blame him; I did this to myself. I just wasn’t ready for the consequences. The problem with being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl is being too dream girl. I’m not needed when he wakes up. The movie ends when he’s a better person, and so does the dream girl; there’s no need for her anymore.

I don’t want to fight for someone who doesn’t fight for me. I don’t need an almost relationship.

I deserve it all or nothing at all. And I guess that I experienced the latter.

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