Posted in Lifestyle

It’s the little things

What are everyday things that bring you happiness?

With all things new, as Summer approaches, there has been a lot of LEARNING for me in the past few months.

I’m working on listening to my body, asking myself what type of person I want to be and how I want to show up in the world, and letting that be the guide for the decisions that I make a. Doing this led me to return to school and spend more time with friends and family.

The thing about stress is It steals your joy!

For years, I’ve over-functioned. I take on other people’s stress as my own and try to be helpful, ensuring everyone is okay. My problem is that I lost my ability to provide for my emotional needs. I got so out of tune with my emotions that I had breakdowns over minor things. Then I decided I was tired of having breakdowns and stopped feeling altogether. You guys know you’ve seen the post.

It’s A LOT!

I’m learning that sometimes others will just be disappointed when I put my own needs first, and I have to be okay with taking care of myself so that I have enough to give to others. Who knew?!  The life lessons keep coming over here, don’t they?! 

My current self-care has been reading, but between reading for school and working. I’m too tired to read for leisure. So I try to search for small moments of joy.

I’ve been working on a list of 12 favorite everyday practices for catching joy.

12 Things That Bring Me Joy

  1. Drinking a cup of iced coffee
  2. Going for brunch
  3. Spending time with my nieces and nephews
  4. Eating a charcuterie board
  5. Browsing in a bookstore
  6. Having my nails done
  7. Creating new recipes
  8. Baking in a kitchen
  9. Dressing up in vintage clothing
  10. Giving people compliments
  11. Spending quality time with my best friend
  12. Good makeup days

I can’t wait to hear what you come up with for your own list of things that bring you JOY.

Do at least one thing a day for yourself – your health and well-being matter!

Posted in Health and Wellness

Releasing Some Anger

The fact I understand my emotions and why I’m feeling them makes me the most frustrated. Most of the time, when I’m upset, I’m angry and disappointed and blame myself for what happened.

I’m trying to let go of my anger and resentment. I didn’t know I was carrying this anger until I had a few bible studies. I’m so angry at myself, my parents, and life. And having all of this emotional baggage is affecting my mental health.

Im angry after learning most of the classes I took in Sacramento were repeating courses of the ones I took in Long Beach the first time I went to school. I am angry that my stepmom, “who knew so much more than me,” picked my classes. I am angry I let her pick my classes. I am mad about moving to Sacramento in the first place.

Angry that I constantly give up when things get complicated. And I let myself not do something like study, fill out necessary forms, work out, or put effort into my blog or business—one wrong decision after the other. And I don’t hold myself accountable. I allow myself to be lazy because it’s easier than trying.

Angry that I constantly allow evil thoughts to win. I’m too old for school, stupid, and untrainable.

I am angry that all of these things happened because I allowed my dad and his wife put a lot of doubt in me. I let them control my life and treat me like a child instead of an adult.

I never got an apology, but I only got excuses from my dad. All my dad is good for is excuses for not being around when I was a kid, for not standing up for me when I lived with him, and for cheating on my mom.

Angry that I keep acting like a victim.

Angry, I don’t know how to fully erase them from my life without looking like the bad guy.

How do I let it go? How do I surrender this anger to god, the universe, or whatever you call it?

I think admitting that there was something more behind my depression has helped. There are many things I’m angry about that are happening now too. But these are the things I’ve been carrying with me for a few years now. These are the things I need to acknowledge before I can work on my present or my future; I need to forgive my past.

Posted in Lifestyle

Manifest Your Dream Life

To mentally prepare for the year, I can spend all of January and even some of December planning. Usually, I don’t know my wants for the whole year in the first week of January. Nothing wrong with that. Each year is different. Some years for me, January is a rocky month, but by June, I’m like, this is my best year ever. And sometimes, it’s the reverse. It really depends. This year I am controlling the narrative. So even if January is terrible, it isn’t.

It takes a lot to live the life I want. Coming from me, that probably sounds strange since I constantly complain about my life. If I’m being honest, my life isn’t that bad. It is stressful at times, but overall I’m pretty lucky. Just because things don’t work out when and how I want them doesn’t mean the end of the world.

So call it manifesting, praying, the law of attraction; same difference. It’s putting your intentions into the universe and hoping that something or someone is listening.

Before I put any energy into the universe, I meditate. I want a clear mind before I do anything. For me, it starts with thinking positively. I know that sounds lame, but it helps. Say a few affirmations and give yourself a little love. Positive thinking is soo important for mental health.

And then I question everything. What do I need? What do I need in my life, family, health, and career? What do I want? What do I want for my life? I try to be as transparent with my intentions as possible. I have to be honest about what I am willing to work towards.

After I’ve decided, I write it down. This year I made my first vision board. Usually, I write down bullet points in a journal. I should clarify this is different than the goals I share with you at the beginning of each year. Not by much, but it is different.

This might be unconventional, but I made my vision board online. I didn’t do a super intense collage. I created sections for myself for my family, health, hobbies, and fun. I put influencers and celebrities who I admire. Things I wish would happen throughout this year and in the future.

One of the reasons that not journaling really affected my life and mental state last year was that I could not see the work I put into these goals. You can’t just put it out into the universe or pray about it once and then expect all of your problems to be fixed magically. You have to work towards this.

Some questions I ask myself every month are

  • What am I grateful that God or the Universe has already given me?
  • How am I bettering myself?
  • What efforts am I putting into this goal? What can I do differently?
  • What brings you inner peace? What is it about this person, place, or thing that affects my this way?
  • How have my desires changed over the years?

You have to check in with yourself regularly. I like to check in once a month. Are you being negative? If you are, why? Negative energy doesn’t bring good things. And being negative allows you to miss signs around you. It’s basically self-sabotage.

One time I was looking for a new job. It was taking a while, and I was starting to feel defeated. I remember complaining to everyone about how I needed a new job and more money. When I finally got an interview, I jumped at the chance. The company was sketchy, but I didn’t care; I still went. And even after going to the first interview, they scheduled a second interview. I was still like this is super sketchy, but I was also being negative like this is probably the only thing I’m going to get. After that first interview, I got a call from a different, not sketchy company asking if I wanted to interview. I was being salty about them passing on me the first time I applied, so I turned it down. I returned to the sketchy place, did the second interview, and got the job. It was a pyramid scheme. Self-sabotage is real.

You have to trust your gut and trust the process. You know what is right for you. You know when what you’re doing is good for you as a person. I refuse to believe people are out of touch with their bodies and don’t know what’s happening. The little happy tingles I get when I eat sugar or finish a book are the same ones I get after a good workout.

Now when it comes to being one with the universe and making sure that the one game of MASH you played where you lived in a mansion married to Calum from 5SOS with eight kids comes true, driving a white Bronco. You have to do three things: be realistic, put in work, and trust the process. There’s no time limit on manifesting. Something I wanted and worked toward years ago is coming true now.

Making a dream into reality begins with what you have, not with what you are waiting on.

T.F. Hodge

I’m a little impatient and controlling with just about everything. Sometimes, I don’t notice things happening until it’s too late. Which doesn’t always allow me to show proper gratitude.

My faith is a powerful motivation and guide. I grew up hearing God’s got a plan. Being an adult made me realize that our plans may not always align. I know I want something now, but perhaps I’m not ready for it emotionally, mentally, financially, or physically. I don’t expect to get some prophetical dream that will tell me God’s goal for me. I would love one, but life doesn’t work that way.

So let us take a deep breath and breathe out all our negative thoughts about what the future has in store for us.

Posted in Lifestyle

Revisiting My 2022 Goals

It’s already the middle of the year, so it’s time to reevaluate my 2022 goals. This year has been challenging. One thing after another, I’m starting to feel like I can’t keep up.


This goal changed. I wanted to work less to spend time with family. I could get a new job and start having consistent hours and the weekends. It feels like I’m working fewer hours than I am still working 40hrs a week. 


Between reading physical books and downloading Kindle Unlimited, I can gladly say I have read 33 books this year. I need to branch out and read books that aren’t just fiction because I’ve started to get bored with fiction, but I also don’t find any other genre interesting. 


I forgot I put this as an actual goal. I know I’ve been mentioning for a while that I have wanted to lose weight every day for the past two years. Well, I finally got myself a gym membership last week. I know I could have worked out at home, but I’ve rarely been the type to find motivation at home. 


May was the month I picked for my 30day shopping ban, and I loved it. I wasn’t stressed about money as much as I usually am. Did I want to go to Starbucks?  Hell Yes!!!!!!  Did I want to go shopping? Of course! I’m not a minimalist at all. The impulse I have to hit the “buy” button is so intense sometimes. Shopping is how I deal with challenging emotions. But after a while, I kind of just stopped craving those things. I only recently went to Marshall’s to go shopping, and instead of buying clothes like I usually would, I just restocked my skincare. 


Going to Ren Faire made me realize how much I needed to learn to sew on a machine. I know how to hand sew. I can hem my pants and fix a loose button but wouldn’t be able to make an entire outfit. I need to learn to sew on a machine. With Halloween around the corner, I’ve decided to make my own Halloween costume. I want to be either Snow White or Donald Duck. I know the outfit will probably be not the best, but it will be practice for when I finally decide to make a better outfit for Ren Faire. 


I still can’t have entire conversations with my inlaws yet, but I can at least understand what they are saying better. I know more words in Spanish, and I can say complete sentences. I think if I keep practicing, maybe by the end of the year, I could probably start speaking to them in Spanish; I still don’t feel confident in my pronunciations.  


I’ve currently written 23 this year and plan to write at least once a week and a blog a day for October and December, so I think I can meet my goal. If I write a blog weekly, there would be 27 blogs alone, making me have 50 blogs. My biggest problem is just staying on top of it. I keep letting my life get in the way. 


I don’t use social media at all, but I may have to retract this goal if I want to be a better blogger and vlogger and eventually start my podcast. I’m going to have to be more engaged on social media. I have to start posting more. I have to promote myself and the blog. I started an ice cream business, and I’ve done nothing even to let people know I have an ice cream business. I can’t have a business if no one knows it exists.


Not only have I mastered making coffee at home, but I’ve also mastered making coffee in my job’s breakroom. I’ve learned how to make my own iced raspberry chai latte. I am super disappointed I haven’t found more make-at-home recipes. Raspberry chai lattes are pure heaven. I have been very good about not stopping for coffee. I drink way less coffee now as well. Before, on an average day, I would drink about 64oz of iced coffee and sugar. Now I drink probably 16oz total. 


I’ve improved using my iPhone to take pictures and record videos. I just ended up helping a friend make TikTok videos and recorded most of them on my iPhone. I still have not picked up my fancy vlog camera. I haven’t touched that camera in years. It feels wrong to pick up that camera for pictures when I know how good it can be to make videos with it. 


Giving myself time to relax and read has been nice. I allow myself to focus on something other than work or my housing situation. I allow myself not to be stressed or worried. And I’m a high-strung person, so not being stressed is hard. I would love to lie and say I don’t feel stressed when I read, but I do. I get stressed and anxious and second-hand embarrassment when characters do dumb things to when things in the story get intense. I love every moment of it. 


As a person who likes shopping for fun but is also stress-shops, not buying clothes has been like not breathing. But I forced myself not to buy clothes and acknowledged that shopping instead of dealing with emotions isn’t what I’m supposed to do. I had to realize I had too many clothes. I forced myself to Marie Kondo my entire closet. It was the throwing away part that was harder than admitting I didn’t want things anymore. I started to feel like a hoarder. Expect less like the little mermaid and more like the A&E tv show. 


I’m still neglecting things. My house is falling apart, and I literally can’t be bothered to fix it, which is not true but also like not not true. I will admit the house is a garbage can on fire, so sometimes I don’t see the point in trying to fix anything. Mostly because I know no one else cares how the house is. 


I ordered a cookbook and was going to do this back in March or April or some month early in the year, and I tried so hard to want to cook through it. The book was boring, and some of the recipes sounded nasty. Like, I literally hate the idea of eating unseasoned boiled chicken, and the fact that it was one of the main dishes didn’t give me much hope for the rest of the book. But today, I was given a new cookbook book that seems promising. So let’s not lose hope just yet. I never planned to cook through an entire cookbook this year to start the self-appointed challenge. 


I have seen less of California this year than I would like. But I have seen a lot more of Nevada. I’ve already been to Vegas 3 times this year and plan to go again in September. As for California? I’ll get to it eventually. 


Now that I have a new job, this is more crucial than ever. Because I need to start saving and planning my checks accordingly since I get paid on specific days of the month instead of every two weeks. My most significant expenses are Uber and my phone bill outside of rent. And since I can’t change my rent, I can only try changing everything else. 


I must be aware of what I say because I talk to people all day. It’s not always formal, but I’m working on that part too. I’m constantly trying to explain things without sounding condescending or rude. And as a blunt person, it’s hard sometimes. But I take a minute and think of a different way to say something. 


I hate how I haven’t put a single dollar toward a car. Every time I try to say I get hit with other shit that needs money. It seems like my bills are constantly increasing. 


I don’t believe in helping others if you can’t help yourself, and for the past few months, I’ve been barely keeping my head above the water. I now have some stability in my life. I will most definitely make a harder effort to volunteer soon. 


I need to pull the trigger. I need to set up my camera and just record. It isn’t that hard to make a video. I’ve done it multiple times before. And then I start to feel all weird about vlogging. I’ve cried while talking to the camera, but I feel funny being happy talking to it? Makes no sense. 


Never!!! No, I’m trying to restart therapy and get to the root of where my perfectionist mentally comes from. Mostly because I’ve always known I’m not perfect but hate myself daily for not being perfect. 


Does it count as focusing on my book if I shelved my original book idea and started working on something completely different? No, oh, okay. Then I guess I will have to work on both books. Maybe that way, I’ll finally be inclined to finish one of them. 

Am I disappointed I didn’t complete more goals this far into the year? Yes, because I feel like I should have been more proactive. I make these goals to better myself in some way. I don’t make these goals just for shits and giggles. 

On the other hand, I’m not disappointed for not doing more. Things don’t always go as planned, and I’ve had some significant life changes, and those things took priority. My mental health also took precedence this year. And I have to remind myself that my goals have changed. Some things aren’t seen as a priority anymore, and other things are. The things on this list are things I thought I wanted before this year started. I don’t have to force myself to check off every little thing I put on this list. 

Most of the goals I’ve completed on this list I didn’t do with goals in mind; they came kind of unconsciously.

Posted in Health and Wellness

Talking Body

If we’re talking body- my body that is- I hate it.

No, hate is not too strong a word. Ever since I was young, I’ve felt discomfort with my body- I’m not transgender or transexual. I’m just physically and mentally uncomfortable in my body.

I’ll go about my day. I’ll feel fine, then out of nowhere; I feel stress and sick to the stomach mentally, and uncomfortable and uneasy.

Sometimes I feel like I was never meant to exist in the first place.

But lately, I feel really, really uncomfortable in my body. I feel super terrible about my weight. I’m starting to think my sister is right about being fat being my only personality trait. What else do I have going for me?

So I was recently looking at different ways to build confidence, and someone suggested a photo shoot. Now, if you know me, you know terrible at taking pictures. Not just like being behind the camera but in front of it too. Anything with the camera-count me out!! That’s one of the reasons why I really stopped doing YouTube and why I haven’t posted on my Instagram in like six months.

I definitely want to feel comfortable in my body again. I like to eat with no shame, but I lack self-control. When I am very emotional because I don’t want to burden anyone, I’ll eat rather than discuss my feelings. With that said, I don’t know what to do with my life. My family has a history of bad health, and I’m over here not taking care of my body, which makes my health risk even higher.

I don’t drink enough water or eat healthy enough. Let’s not get me started on working out. I had to cancel my personal training. This sucks because I finally got rid of the misconception was you only exercised to lose weight. I’d start a gym membership or look some wild “how to lose 30lbs in 30 seconds” on Pinterest. Then, beat myself up when it would fail. Now, I equate exercise with movement and movement with feeling good in my skin. Exercise isn’t just for my physical health but also for my mental health. My body & brain haven’t been feeling the best lately since I can’t afford to go to the gym. Working out at home is not the same.

I’m trying to exercise at home but not having someone guide me and motivate me is one of the many reasons I failed to keep off the weight before. I am going to try to believe in myself and accept that its going to be different but not bad. Tomorrow starts a new physical journey, using exercise and food to feel better.

I’m always going to hate my body. So I’m not calling this a self-love journey; I’m starting more like a self-tolerant journey.

Anyway, here’s a picture dump of all the pictures I was too scared to post on insta.

Also, it didn’t help I got asked if I was pregnant a lot since I started posting on my Instagram.

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Posted in Lifestyle


Do you remember the resolutions you set this year? To be completely honest, I don’t even recall all of them. But, it got me thinking: it’s time to revisit 2020 goals.

So, of course, I had to reread them. If you aren’t familiar with my goals, either go ahead and read them here.

I asked myself two questions about the blogs I didn’t complete.

Number one, Does this resolution still matter to me? 

There’s no reason to work towards goals that aren’t relevant to you anymore. Also, change the resolutions if you realize that your priorities have shifted.

After I determined if my goals were still important, I asked what steps have I taken -if any- towards said goals? 

If you’ve been slacking, acknowledge that, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Life gets in the way; we can’t do everything all the time. 

Also, determine if your goals are realistic. 

I completed a lot more of my goals for 2021 than I initially thought. 

somethings I did that helped me was by 

  • Breaking each resolution or goal into little steps.
  • organizing them by least to most important


I passed on my first time. My original appointment was rescheduled due to covid. But as soon as I could go to the DMV, I did, and your girl got her license.


I really need to start saving better. This year has been chaotic. First, I had to move, and then I changed jobs. So right now, I’m struggling to even have money in my account without even spending it like crazy. So hopefully, that will change now that I’m going to have a better job.

3. CREATE A MORNING ROUTINE (And Actually Stick To It!) 

There was a while when I was going to work at 4am, and now that has stopped, I still get up early, and I actually have a routine down, and I’m pleased with it. Although, of course, somedays I still take forever to get out of bed, the majority of my days, I’m up and about two hours before my alarms go off.


I’m sure I technically removed a terrible habit, but I don’t see it. I’m still biting my nails, cussing too much, and smoking. But I am doing all of those things less than I was a year ago.


I’ve been writing and posting more. Before, I would have nothing written and try to rush a post. Now, I have the post written and need to upload them. I feel this has been super therapeutic for me. I used to worry so much about my blog, and I feel that I’m not as stressed about it because I post more consistently.


We started scheduling dates, and this has literally saved our relationship. We do see each other without planning things. Still, we keep a calendar with our workdays and any events on it to know when we will actually get to see each other. Welcome to adult dating. But maybe if we’re lucky, we will be getting an apartment together soon, which will def help.


It took a while, but I was able to pay off all of my old credit cards. At first, I wasn’t going to mark this off because I included the new card that I used to buy myself a new vacuum? How boring! But I decided I’m taking this as a W. Honestly, this is the first time I have to pay off cards. I didn’t release the interest I had would be more than my freaking credit limit. Reminder to self: pay off cards as you go. 


Tried it didn’t like it. Trying to write in a journal felt tiresome. Maybe, I didn’t take it seriously enough? After a while, it felt more like a chore than a way to compose my thoughts. I don’t feel the need to reexamine every part of my days. I’d rather share my experience and what I’ve learned from them vs reflect on how the barista who handled my coffee said my name. Like I have anxiety I already do that.


I have no energy for self-care. Aside from getting more sleep and drinking more water, I’m still super stressed and anxious and can’t seem to say no to people. I love telling other people how important it is to self-care, then turn around and treat my body like it’s a trash can.


I got tired of taking melatonin or some type of sleeping aid. So I made a habit of going to sleep. It’s a terrible habit. I force my body every day to just work itself until it’s exhausted. That’s how I forced myself to get a sleep schedule. Who knew sleeping at appropriate times so I can get up and leave my problems works wonderfully?


As I’ve said before, I’m a creature of habit. I don’t like changes or surprises, but I’m always willing to try something once. I haven’t had the opportunity as of yet to just try something crazy. But there’s still a whole half a year left, so who knows what can happen. 


Just like every other year, I have yet found time to volunteer. But, I have donated to a few charities, which is still something. If donating to charity is the only way you can do more for your community, that’s great.  I also think sometimes you have to actually get your hands dirty to make a difference.


The more I try to destress, the more stressful my life gets. I think a change will come in my life hopefully soon, and I’ll be able to meditate as much as I want, but this is low on my to-do list for now. That said, I still try to practice mindfulness. 


I recently reached out to some of my estranged family and was able to connect with them. I plan to keep in contact with them and try to revisit them soon. I’ve also gotten to spend more time with my boyfriend’s family. I’m still a crappy friend because I don’t contact some of my friends, but I just feel like I’m annoying. 


I’ve definitely gotten better, and I’m not as late as I usually am. But if it’s something I don’t want to go to, I still show up super late. And sometimes I’m on time, and my boyfriend is late. Seriously my friends ask us if we will arrive on time or on “Hector and Eryn” time. 


I really had to be strict with myself. I had to give myself a routine to make sure I knew when it was time to write and when it was time to watch tv or do something else. It was hard at first, but now I feel more comfortable focusing on one thing at a time. 


I actually got myself a personal trainer in March. He has helped me learn how to use machines and just helped me feel comfortable and confident in doing workouts by myself. When we started, and he gave me “homework,” I felt silly being in a gym alone, and now when I go by myself, I don’t even notice other people. 


 I downloaded a water reminder. How it started was every hour on the hour, I force myself to drink water. But I basically conditioned myself now to begin drinking water every time my phone gets a notification. I still don’t feel thirst which I don’t know if that’s normal or not, but at least now I’m not dehydrated. 


My original reason to start taking pictures was to find a positive outlook to know that I AM ENOUGH and that I am a total BADASS! so I started the plan on making myself a collage wall. have you seen how expensive these wall collage kits are? $50 for a partial kit!!!! No, Thank you. I have a printer for pictures that I can find online, and Walmart photos start at .09 cents.


I want to lie and say I haven’t started making videos because I don’t feel comfortable recording videos. But I haven’t tried. I was super excited to restart vlogging, and then I never even gave it a chance. I think this is something I’ll have to either force myself to start and at least give it one more honest chance or just give up altogether. 


I had a great start at the beginning of the year and had started writing so much, and then life got in the way. I think this is something I’ll have to wait for and see how it goes. It might take another year for me to complete it, or I might just get hit with a big idea and motivation for  NaNoWriMo. 

Now, there’s still plenty of time left in 2021 to accomplish what we want to achieve. Let’s do this!