Hello and welcome toĀ Maybe Eryn Is the Worst Mom Out There, where I question my abilities as a mother while trying to keep a tiny human alive.
We got to see the doctor yesterday, and baby girl is officially ONE MONTH OLD!!! Woohoo! We made it through our first month without any major issues, aside from plenty of crying. So, you know, milestones! Weāre officially one month into this whole parenting thing, and Iām still very much figuring it out as I go.
Weāre still kind of breastfeeding, but every day is a battle. Iām happy that sheās starting to drink from the boob more than the bottle because thatās what I wanted, but also, FUCK! I would like to have my body to myself for five minutes. Apparently, I wanted to breastfeed, but I didnāt fully comprehend what that meant for my daily life.
Staying home 24/7 is killing me. Weāve left the house a few times, so itās not like Iāve been locked inside this entire time, but Iām bored, tired, and still not completely settled in. And I will say this forever:Ā itās not my home.Ā Iām trying to adjust to living here, taking care of a newborn, and figuring out my new life all at once, and I donāt think Iāve quite found my footing yet.
Iām also looking at jobs, because apparently I donāt have enough going on already.
Iām starting to understand why some women begin to resent their partners after having a baby. For me, itās the little things. I donāt get to shower every day. I donāt get to brush my hair every day. I barely get to eat a full meal without having to stop and take care of the baby. Meanwhile, my husband can shower, eat, and go about his day without having to plan everything around a newborn.
I canāt even drive right now because Iām recovering from my C-section. I canāt just leave the house to hang out with friends or have a little time to myself without having to figure out what to do with the baby. And while I love my daughter, I miss being able to do basic things without them turning into an entire production.
But enough about me. Letās talk about the baby!
First, she has cradle cap. Iāve seen people say that breast milk and Aquaphor can help get rid of it. Is that actually true, or is this another one of those things the internet swears by? Iām genuinely curious because I would love to know what works.
Then she pooped blood after straining, and she had diarrhea after we changed her formula. All of this happened within the last week. ONE WEEK. Apparently, motherhood comes with a new thing to worry about every other day, and I am exhausted.
Iām tired 24/7. And youād think that living in a house full of people would mean Iād somehow manage to get more done. Surely I could clean our room! Surely I could do our laundry! There are other adults in this house, and yet somehow Iām still struggling to get basic things done.
Nope. I have a Velcro baby.
She wants mom and mom only! Sheās gotten to the point where she wants to be held constantly, and while I love holding her, I would also love to accomplish something without having to put everything on pause. Our room needs cleaning. Our laundry needs doing. I need to feel like a functioning adult again.
Iām thinking about trying babywearing to see if that helps me get some things done. Maybe I can finally organize our room or tackle the laundry while sheās strapped to me. Or maybe Iāll put on the carrier, get absolutely nothing done, and spend the entire time staring at her because sheās cute.
Honestly, I wouldnāt put it past myself.
And can we talk about how much I hate all the baby books Iāve read? Because I feel like I tried to prepare myself for motherhood, and now that Iām actually here, Iām still Googling everything and questioning whether Iām doing anything right.
The books can tell me about milestones, feeding schedules, and sleep patterns, but they donāt really prepare you for what itās like to be home all day with a baby when youāre still recovering from major surgery, youāre exhausted, you barely have time for yourself, and youāre trying to figure out how to fit your own needs into this new life.
Iām happy sheās breastfeeding more because thatās what I wanted, but now Iām also trying to figure out how to get anything done when she wants to be attached to me. Iām trying to adjust to living somewhere that doesnāt feel like home yet. Iām looking at jobs. Iām trying to keep up with household responsibilities. And Iām doing all of this while running on what feels like approximately three minutes of sleep.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder if Iām doing a good job or if Iām somehow the worst mom out there.
I love my daughter more than anything, but motherhood is HARD. And I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be good moms that we forget weāre allowed to struggle with the adjustment, too.
Anyway, thatās where Iām at right now. One month into motherhood, still breastfeeding, still exhausted, still trying to get settled, and still wondering how other moms manage to do literally anything besides take care of their babies.
So, fellow moms, please tell me: Does it get easier? Does babywearing actually help? And when do you start feeling like a person again instead of just a milk machine with a never-ending to-do list?
Because I love my baby, but Iād also really like to take a shower and finish a load of laundry.
Is that too much to ask?