Thereās a discussion happening on TikTokāor maybe itās already been happening, and Iām just finally noticing it because Iām pregnantābut apparently being pregnant, or even wanting to be pregnant, is selfish.
There are so many comments saying, āYou should have adopted,ā or āYou should have been a foster parent,ā or that people are just trying to fill some part of themselves by giving a child something they never got. Then thereās the whole argument that the world is shit, politics are shit, and this child isnāt going to have anything anyway.
And my genuine question is:Ā At what point in history was it actually a good time to have children?
Genuinely asking.
Because thereās never been a point in human history where the world was perfect. There has always been war, poverty, political instability, disease, economic problems, and people convinced that the world was going to hell. Somehow, people still fell in love, got married, had children, built families, and kept going.
Then thereās the other side of the discussion where apparently youāre selfish because the child ādidnāt ask to be born.ā That youāre having a child for your legacy. That youāre having a child because you want someone to love you unconditionally. That youāre trying to recreate your childhood or give a child everything you never had.
And maybe some people do have children for those reasons. But that doesnāt mean everyone does.
Not every person who has a baby sat down and thought, āHow can I selfishly fulfill my emotional needs?ā Sometimes people genuinely want to raise children. Sometimes they want a family. Sometimes they just love the idea of being a parent. And yes, sometimes pregnancies are accidents. Not every child is the result of some perfectly calculated five-year plan.
And honestly, a lot of this feels like another form of misogyny to me because somehow the blame always lands on the woman.
The woman is selfish for getting pregnant.
The woman is selfish for wanting children.
The woman is selfish for having another child.
The woman is selfish for not adopting instead.
But where is the same energy for the dad?
Because somehow pregnancy is treated like this moral decision that women are solely responsible for making, even though it generally takes two people to create a baby.
And God forbid you want more than one child. Then apparently you and your partner are selfish because youāre bringing another person into the world, and never mind what the actual family wants. According to these people, having another child is somehow inherently taking something away from the children you already have.
I also donāt think people understand how difficult adoption and fostering actually are.
My family has adopted and fostered, so this isnāt something Iām saying from ignorance. These processes can take years. There are home studies, paperwork, background checks, training, court processes, waiting periods, and so many other things involved. You cannot just walk into an agency and say, āI donāt want to have a biological child, give me one.ā
And adoption and fostering arenāt supposed to be alternatives you choose because you want a baby. Theyāre about providing a home for children who already exist and need one.
I actually do want to foster and potentially adopt in the future. Itās something Hector and I have talked about doing once weāre settled, have a home, and are in a position where we can genuinely provide for multiple children. But that doesnāt mean I shouldnāt have my own biological child.
And the part that really gets me is seeing people who call themselves feminists and pro-choice making these arguments.
Because what happened toĀ choice?
You donāt have to want children. You donāt have to have children. You donāt have to understand why someone else wants children. But if someone makes the choice to become a parent, why are we suddenly treating that choice as morally wrong?
It also feels like weāre becoming a society that increasingly just hates children.
Thereās no community anymore. Thereās no village.
When I was growing up, my siblings and I played with the kids in the neighborhood. And if we did something wrong, our neighbors knew my mom. They could tell us to go home. They could tell my mom what happened. There was this understanding that the adults in the community were all responsible for looking out for the kids.
Now it feels like people want to be part of your life right up until you become pregnant.
I had a friend who wanted to reconnect with me, but after I got pregnant, she basically told me we couldnāt meet up anymore because she wanted to go to bars and drink.
And I told her,Ā you can drink. I just wonāt.
I can still go to dinner. I can still hang out. I can still have conversations. I can still be your friend. Iām just pregnant.
Iāve had people tell me my life is over.
Iāve had people act like becoming a mother means Iām no longer going to be a person.
And honestly, I think thatās what bothers me the most about this entire conversation.
You can choose not to have children. You can think having children is selfish. You can decide that parenthood isnāt for you.
But maybe we could stop treating people who genuinely want to be parents like theyāve committed some moral offense by bringing another human being into the world.
Because Iām pregnant.
And my life isnāt over.
Itās just changing.
