Sorry I’ve been gone a month and came back to say, “Hey guys, I’m depressed.”
February is the smallest month of the year, yet it’s the most stressful.
It always seems like I have so much to do in February. I made it even harder on myself this year by deciding to go to school.
Lately, I have not been in the best mood. It seems like I’m always crying and doubting myself. I had a lot of plans for the blog and my TikTok and couldn’t bring myself to do any of them. I got too overwhelmed.
I started to worry about money, getting a job, getting good grades, keeping up my social life, and having a decent relationship with my boyfriend. I’m carrying a lot of baggage and feel like I’m being weighed down. I’m angry, irritated, and conflicted about everything. Every time I try to speak about things, people invalidate my feelings. And I think it will only get worse before it gets better.
I couldn’t even enjoy my birthday. I had a whole breakdown. Life is the thing happening between all of my meltdowns.
My birthday was a combination of things I’ve been carrying for a while.
My bio dad only messaged me happy birthday while everyone else sent me messages saying they were grateful to me. And I cried again when he decided to Zelle me a few days after as a gift. Not because it was money but because it was just the lack of effort. I don’t know why I expected anything else from him or even wanted it. If you’re going to do something, do it right, or don’t do it at all.
I had a birthday dinner with some friends, and I cried when I realized I’m friends with 90% of them because of my boyfriend. I know it’s not bad, but it just irked me when I got a message saying they were happy I was Hector’s girlfriend. I want to be my own person, not someone’s girlfriend. I don’t want to be friends with someone who only knows me as Hector’s girlfriend.
Speaking of being his girlfriend, that’s all I’m ever going to be. It feels like we aren’t committed to each other. Sometimes it’s like he can’t see a future with me, and I’m tired of trying to make a future for us.
His mom’s birthday is coming up, and I’m not invited to the dinner. It’s family only. And that wouldn’t have affected me so much, but we’ve been together for years. I couldn’t go to family events in the past because I worked on weekends.
I wanted a relationship where I didn’t need a reason to hang out with his family. My family never needed an excuse to see each other if we were in the area, we’d stop by. His family dynamic is different, and I don’t know where I fit in. His mom doesn’t feel comfortable with people stopping by. I get that; sometimes, I want a nice clean house for guests. But I even offered to make her a birthday cake, but that wasn’t possible. They always order their cakes. I don’t feel there’s a spot for me. Everyone says I haven’t been around enough to be a part of the family, but if he won’t start now to bring me around, when will he start?
I need to become independent in my life. Every few years, I get my independence, then immediately turn around, and become dependent on someone. I need to get a car. So I don’t have to depend on him for rides. I could do whatever I wanted if I had a car.
But being independent requires money. I need a job. I need a ride to the job to get one. Isn’t that what they call a catch-22? If it is, my whole life is a catch-22.
How do I let go of these things? The whole being optimistic, speaking peace into the universe, and burning sage hasn’t worked. How can you be happy when life feels like one hurdle after the other?
The first month of 2023 is over; I don’t know how I felt about it.
So I don’t know what I did to deserve the shit show that has been my life these past few weeks, but it must have been terrible. It seemed like every time something good would happen, something terrible would happen directly after. Then it just to worse.
My uncle died, and his kids are in the custody of his crazy wife, who shouldn’t be within three feet of them; my job is so ridiculously stupidly stressful that I’m ready to cry. There was a power outage, and I was left sitting in the dark for hours- I work alone at night- there’s still no power. We had a homeless person walk onto the property while I was in the restroom, and of course, that became my fault. How dare I not give myself a uti and hold my bladder for the 8 hours I work? One of the drivers I work with makes me feel uncomfortable; I thought he was gone since I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving. Well, starting today, he is back.
I finally decided to return to school, and now I’m being tested by the universe. How am I supposed to handle school if I’m this stressed now?
Did I make the wrong decision?
I’ve had this nagging feeling I need to get a second job, go to school, start an Only Fans or something. Either make more money or put in the effort to make more money eventually.
And randomly, at two am last week, I found myself setting up an account. Sitting there waiting for an email confirmation, I get scared. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Perhaps I should have thought it through.
I just signed up for the closest community college, and classes start in two weeks. I am not ready.
I’ve been debating the possibility of returning to school since 2019. But I didn’t want to pay nonresident fees between moving states and getting settled. I got caught in a cycle of working, earning a paycheck, and spending that paycheck. I got a new job that distracted me with a 40hr and getting paid above minimum wage. I started to think that I didn’t need school.
But I stopped putting effort into things that mattered. My ice cream business, for example. Yes, it was winter, and some people don’t eat ice cream in the winter, totally fine. But why didn’t I start experimenting with flavors and consistency and trying to make my syrups?
I’m in the beginning stages. I need to take advantage of the people willing to taste test and give them everything I can imagine—jalapeño popper ice cream or pickle ice cream. I would never make those flavors, but I could have. I need to try a crazy, or else I won’t know it works. I need to start promoting myself as an ice cream business vs. just promoting myself as a person.
I’ll stop my rambling and crying now. I’m tired and need to sleep. I need to quit my job. Neither of those is happening tonight.
I’ve said a few times that I want to be more creative and try to express myself through different types of art. I have a habit of starting hobbies and then never following through. I’m trying to change that and use all the materials I have at my disposal. I’m going to start actively giving updates on projects and calling it Blend The Rules.
This is obviously the Lately, I’ve been searching for a crocheted or knitted cardigan.
After searching for what felt like forever, I found some sweaters. I didn’t have any specific pattern or design in mind. I wanted a chunky cardigan. The only downside was all the nice ones I loved were between $200- $400. There’s no way I can spend that much on a sweater. I’m poor.
So my self-confidence led me to believe I could make my sweater. I don’t know where that confidence came from, honestly. The last time I knitted, sewed, or crocheted was in 2017. I made a cow print and denim skirt, and everyone around me was like, “eww, cow print.” only for it to be the next popular trend.
So now I’m stumbling through a teach yourself to crochet book. It is worth it. It was $12 from Walmart. It’s a complete kit; you only need to buy the yarn.
I haven’t done much yet, but I did make a tiny little heart.
I don’t have a pattern for the sweater. I’m going to play it by ear.
I’m challenging myself to become a better writer. I rely on the use of adverbs and adjectives in my storytelling. My primary weak points are grammar, spelling, and sentence structure. That is one of the reasons why it takes forever for me to get to a point.
“Adverbs are the tools of a lazy writer.” -Mark Twain
I’m not terrible at writing, but I still need to work. Am I better at writing now than I was in high school? Yes. Will I be a better writer in another seven years? Yes. Getting better at anything takes practice, time, and effort.
My partner got me a 100 prompt notebook after I told him I wanted to practice my writing skill. I love a supportive partner.
So welcome to our new Wednesday segment: Do You Comma Here Often?
Today’s prompt is to write a short scene without using adverbs or adjectives.
“The path to Hell is paved with adverbs.” -Stephen King
The sun is beating down on the field as the high school football game is about to begin. A group of boys are looking for seats on the bleachers. One of the boys spots a familiar face in the sea of faces. The girl notices him at the same time. Waving her hands, she yells, “over here,” getting the group’s attention. The boys make their way to her. Sensing the group’s hesitation, she moves, smiling at the person closest to her.
“Why don’t you come over here by me?” She asked, batting her lashes. The boy’s face blushes as he sits beside her.
Before anyone can say anything else, the drum line starts on the field.
I took a little break from the blog and California and ran to Vegas. This was a planned trip, and it came at the perfect time. I really needed to see my family and get away from life for a minute.
It was nice seeing my family, my brother and my nephew especially. I plan on going back out there in about three months.
You’re probably like, “Eryn, why are you going back out there in three months?” Well, my brother left to go to Boot Camp. It was no surprise that he joined a military branch. He was an ROTC in high school. He was ready to go to Boot Camp last year when he graduated high school in May, but something happened. Now he’s finally been able to go.
I don’t know how his Boot Camp will be -the only understanding I have with any military training is from Mulan.
I very much doubt that’s what he’s going through. So he will be training to be a marine, and I’ve learned their Boot Camp is 13 weeks or something like that. All that time with no phone I would cry.
He requested that for his going away meal, my mom makes barbecue. I have been dying to learn how my mom makes her bbq sauce, so this was perfect. This sauce is so good; I’d put it on everything if I could.
She makes her brisket, spare ribs, and baby back ribs, all with the same sauce and rub.
I think I’ve mentioned a few times my mom doesn’t measure. So when I write down her recipes, it’s best to measure how you usually would.
My Mom’s Baby Back Ribs
Salt and pepper
Red chili flakes
Two tablespoons of instant coffee (literally the only thing she measured)
One tablespoon of unsalted butter
1/2 cup diced onion
one tablespoon of minced garlic
one cup ketchup
1/2 cup water
One tablespoon of yellow mustard or, as my mom said, a hint of mustard.
Two tablespoons of the rub seasoning
Juice from the meat
Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
Season the ribs with the rub before placing them in a baking dish, meat side down
Wrap the dish with aluminum foil and bake for two hours until tender.
Remove the foil, take the juice from the meat and ingredients for the barbecue sauce in a saucepan, and simmer for ten minutes until thickened.
Pour sauce on the meat and place the meat back in the oven for thirty minutes.
I found out today that my ex-best friend died. I’m feeling guilty and angry and sad and a little off.
I don’t deserve to feel sad about their death, but I should also feel sadder. I keep remembering things and crying and then feel bad for crying.
We had a massive falling out almost a year ago and then again a few months ago. I don’t want to think about the arguments and the anger.
I only want to think of the good times we had. At one point, we spent much time talking, vacationing and hanging out. We knew everything about the other person. We gave advice and offered help to each other. We spent nights talking and falling asleep on his mom’s couch when I didn’t have a place to stay.
He was there to pick up the pieces when I had my first severe panic attack and when I was ready to kill myself. I was there to help him move into his apartment. We were always there for each other, and then we weren’t.
We weren’t as close as we once were, then we were nothing. He was serious about having cancer, and I should have tried harder to fix our relationship. And now he’s gone, and I feel these mixed emotions because I’m still so angry at him, but it feels wrong to be mad at him.
And I don’t have any pictures anymore; I only have our matching tattoos.
We got these tattoos of a spider-Lucas, the spider from a Disney short. We both felt down on our luck. I wasn’t homeless anymore, but I was still depressed, and he struggled to keep up with his bills and other things. We were walking from a store and saw this stray dog, and I burst into tears. Saying no one is going to want me. A stray dog or cat might be adopted someday or saved, but I was like a spider. Who wants a spider? And as I’m saying this, a spider falls on my shoulder. I’m freaking out and crying because obvi a spider is on me. And I’m crying even more because I’ve just proven my point. He talks me down, grabs the spider, and says, “Here, let’s take him home. ” He names the spider Scotty. The spider immediately fell or jumped out of his hand. On his birthday, we got matching tattoos.
He celebrated his last birthday in the hospital, his last Thanksgiving, and his last Christmas.
To mentally prepare for the year, I can spend all of January and even some of December planning. Usually, I don’t know my wants for the whole year in the first week of January. Nothing wrong with that. Each year is different. Some years for me, January is a rocky month, but by June, I’m like, this is my best year ever. And sometimes, it’s the reverse. It really depends. This year I am controlling the narrative. So even if January is terrible, it isn’t.
It takes a lot to live the life I want. Coming from me, that probably sounds strange since I constantly complain about my life. If I’m being honest, my life isn’t that bad. It is stressful at times, but overall I’m pretty lucky. Just because things don’t work out when and how I want them doesn’t mean the end of the world.
So call it manifesting, praying, the law of attraction; same difference. It’s putting your intentions into the universe and hoping that something or someone is listening.
Before I put any energy into the universe, I meditate. I want a clear mind before I do anything. For me, it starts with thinking positively. I know that sounds lame, but it helps. Say a few affirmations and give yourself a little love. Positive thinking is soo important for mental health.
And then I question everything. What do I need? What do I need in my life, family, health, and career? What do I want? What do I want for my life? I try to be as transparent with my intentions as possible. I have to be honest about what I am willing to work towards.
After I’ve decided, I write it down. This year I made my first vision board. Usually, I write down bullet points in a journal. I should clarify this is different than the goals I share with you at the beginning of each year. Not by much, but it is different.
This might be unconventional, but I made my vision board online. I didn’t do a super intense collage. I created sections for myself for my family, health, hobbies, and fun. I put influencers and celebrities who I admire. Things I wish would happen throughout this year and in the future.
One of the reasons that not journaling really affected my life and mental state last year was that I could not see the work I put into these goals. You can’t just put it out into the universe or pray about it once and then expect all of your problems to be fixed magically. You have to work towards this.
Some questions I ask myself every month are
What am I grateful that God or the Universe has already given me?
How am I bettering myself?
What efforts am I putting into this goal? What can I do differently?
What brings you inner peace? What is it about this person, place, or thing that affects my this way?
How have my desires changed over the years?
You have to check in with yourself regularly. I like to check in once a month. Are you being negative? If you are, why? Negative energy doesn’t bring good things. And being negative allows you to miss signs around you. It’s basically self-sabotage.
One time I was looking for a new job. It was taking a while, and I was starting to feel defeated. I remember complaining to everyone about how I needed a new job and more money. When I finally got an interview, I jumped at the chance. The company was sketchy, but I didn’t care; I still went. And even after going to the first interview, they scheduled a second interview. I was still like this is super sketchy, but I was also being negative like this is probably the only thing I’m going to get. After that first interview, I got a call from a different, not sketchy company asking if I wanted to interview. I was being salty about them passing on me the first time I applied, so I turned it down. I returned to the sketchy place, did the second interview, and got the job. It was a pyramid scheme. Self-sabotage is real.
You have to trust your gut and trust the process. You know what is right for you. You know when what you’re doing is good for you as a person. I refuse to believe people are out of touch with their bodies and don’t know what’s happening. The little happy tingles I get when I eat sugar or finish a book are the same ones I get after a good workout.
Now when it comes to being one with the universe and making sure that the one game of MASH you played where you lived in a mansion married to Calum from 5SOS with eight kids comes true, driving a white Bronco. You have to do three things: be realistic, put in work, and trust the process. There’s no time limit on manifesting. Something I wanted and worked toward years ago is coming true now.
I’m a little impatient and controlling with just about everything. Sometimes, I don’t notice things happening until it’s too late. Which doesn’t always allow me to show proper gratitude.
My faith is a powerful motivation and guide. I grew up hearing God’s got a plan. Being an adult made me realize that our plans may not always align. I know I want something now, but perhaps I’m not ready for it emotionally, mentally, financially, or physically. I don’t expect to get some prophetical dream that will tell me God’s goal for me. I would love one, but life doesn’t work that way.
So let us take a deep breath and breathe out all our negative thoughts about what the future has in store for us.
Things will be changing a little. Good news I promise.
I want to post more about my experiences, motivations, and things that help me through rough times.
Each month I want to discuss something I’m going through or went through. This first month will feel all over the place since there has never been any consistency on this blog before. But these post will hopefully be beneficial for both of us.
We will continue to learn and grow together.
I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn’t wait to see what 2023 brings us. I hope that it brings us all a little peace.
I believe that 2023 will be the first of many years that people are set free from many things that held them back in previously.
I want to be able to help people let things go as well as do so myself.
I started this blog to talk about my experiences and help others going through my same problems, and I would love to return to that core belief. There will still be random rants, breakdowns, recipes, and arts and crafts, don’t worry. Also, how many times can I mention something just to forget about it and never bring it up again? That’s annoying, and it’s time to stop that.
This may be a terrible idea. But I will try to read one book a week for the entire year.
The only way I can do this is by planning out all the books I want to read now. I’m more than a little nervous about this. Am I biting off more than I can chew?
I’ve already lost the original instagram post. But it was there, I promise. It was 52 different prompts for books—simple things like an unlikely detective, a cozy mystery, or by an author you’ve never read before.
Now on top of reading 52 books based on prompts outside of my comfort zone, I also have to find a way to incorporate the books I brought on a whim. So I’ve decided to do this and the A-Z challenge combined. This shall be very interesting.
Since I had so many books, I had to make up some of my own prompts. This list is way more than 52 books. I’m going to tell you now I am cheating by using books that start with the word “THE.”
I’ll do this in a list format. So on top will be the prompt, and under it will be the book I plan on reading.
A book on my TBR
A light in the Flame by Jennifer L Armentrout
A book that gives you hope
A Dog’s Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron
A book set in the 1700s
Antoinnette’s Sister by Diana Giovinazzo
A book that makes you laugh
Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade by Patrick Dennis
A book set in India
Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo
A book I’ve been excited to read
Beyond the Wand by Tom Felton
A book with a rabbit on the cover
Bunny by Mona Awad
An illustrated book
WARNING!!!! This is an NSFW Book. Do not read if you are not an adult. Brutal Prince by Sophie Lark (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
Complete an entire series
Beartown Trilogy by Fredrick Backman
A speculative fiction
Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas
A book about history
Chernobyl: The History of a Nuclear Catastrophe
A cozy mystery
Death by Dumpling by Vivian Chien. (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A book that I was told I would like
Dear Mr. Knightley by Katherine Reay
An Indigenous author
Empire of Wild by Cherie Dimaline
Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman
A Graphic Novel
Fangs by Sarah Andersen
An Unlikely detective
Friday the Rabbi Slept Late by Harry Kemelman (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A book with a map
Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan
A horror story
Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
A debut novel
How I’ll Kill you by Ren DeStefano (Comes out March 21, Still time to order)
Hell Followed with Us by Andrew Joseph White
A nonhuman main character
The Humans by Matt Haig
A book about a shipwreck
In the Heart of the Sea by Nathaniel Philbrick
An author I’ve never heard of
Josh and Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating by Christina Lauren
A book about a sport
The Knockout by Sajni Patel
A book featuring a close friend group
Kate in Waiting by Becky Albertalli
The first book of a new series
Liberty or Death (The Soldier Chronicles) by David Cook
A book you’ve heard great things about
Lessons by Ian McEwan
Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus
An author you haven’t read in a while
Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult
A book featuring pirates
The Mermaid, The Witch and The Sea by Maggie Tokugawa-Hall
A biography of a person I know nothing about
Madam: The Biography of Polly Adler, Icon of the Jazz Age by Debby Applegate
A friend’s book recommendation
Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain
A second-person narrative
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
Give a DNF book a second chance
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon
An intimidating book
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A retelling of a classic Disney Story
Prince of Song and Sea by Linsey Miller
A nonfiction book on a topic I know nothing about
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
A POC author
Real Life by Brandon Taylor
A National Book Award winner
The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty
A book with “Adventure” in the title
She: A History of Adventure by H. Rider Haggard
A Barnes and Noble exclusive
Someone Else’s Shoes by Jojo Moyes
A book with a tough choice
The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult
Three Pianos by Andrew McMahon
Taste: My Life Through Food by Stanley Tucci
A book about a murder
Under the Midnight Sun by Keigo Higashino
A book or author everyone is talking about
Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover
A book might make me cry
Vincent and Theo: The Van Gogh Brothers by Deborah Heiligman
A librarian’s favorite. (I couldn’t find a librarian, so I asked a person who works at B&N)
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo
A journey of Self
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
A book published before I was Born
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
A fantasy novel
Will Do Magic for Small Change by Andrea Hairston
XOXO by Axie Oh (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A favorite on social media
Yes No Maybe So by Becky Albertalli
A Barnes and Noble’s monthly pick
Yellow Wife by Sadeqa Johnson (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A book you’ve already read
Z: a novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Anne Fowler
I’m not going to be super critical about being in alphabetical order, and I hope you aren’t, either. I am as long as I’m reading a book that starts with an A or a book that begins with a B; when it comes to those times, that’s all that matters. I am also not going to force myself to finish books. If the book is a DNF, then it’s a DNF, not my problem.
I would love to see what books you read using the same prompts. I do know that the monthly book club post just got more interesting.