Sorry Iāve been gone a month and came back to say, āHey guys, Iām depressed.ā
February is the smallest month of the year, yet itās the most stressful.
It always seems like I have so much to do in February. I made it even harder on myself this year by deciding to go to school.
Lately, I have not been in the best mood. It seems like Iām always crying and doubting myself. I had a lot of plans for the blog and my TikTok and couldnāt bring myself to do any of them. I got too overwhelmed.
I started to worry about money, getting a job, getting good grades, keeping up my social life, and having a decent relationship with my boyfriend. Iām carrying a lot of baggage and feel like Iām being weighed down. Iām angry, irritated, and conflicted about everything. Every time I try to speak about things, people invalidate my feelings. And I think it will only get worse before it gets better.
I couldnāt even enjoy my birthday. I had a whole breakdown. Life is the thing happening between all of my meltdowns.
My birthday was a combination of things Iāve been carrying for a while.
My bio dad only messaged me happy birthday while everyone else sent me messages saying they were grateful to me. And I cried again when he decided to Zelle me a few days after as a gift. Not because it was money but because it was just the lack of effort. I donāt know why I expected anything else from him or even wanted it. If youāre going to do something, do it right, or donāt do it at all.
I had a birthday dinner with some friends, and I cried when I realized Iām friends with 90% of them because of my boyfriend. I know itās not bad, but it just irked me when I got a message saying they were happy I was Hectorās girlfriend. I want to be my own person, not someoneās girlfriend. I donāt want to be friends with someone who only knows me as Hectorās girlfriend.
Speaking of being his girlfriend, thatās all Iām ever going to be. It feels like we arenāt committed to each other. Sometimes itās like he canāt see a future with me, and Iām tired of trying to make a future for us.
His momās birthday is coming up, and Iām not invited to the dinner. Itās family only. And that wouldnāt have affected me so much, but weāve been together for years. I couldnāt go to family events in the past because I worked on weekends.
I wanted a relationship where I didnāt need a reason to hang out with his family. My family never needed an excuse to see each other if we were in the area, weād stop by. His family dynamic is different, and I donāt know where I fit in. His mom doesnāt feel comfortable with people stopping by. I get that; sometimes, I want a nice clean house for guests. But I even offered to make her a birthday cake, but that wasnāt possible. They always order their cakes. I donāt feel thereās a spot for me. Everyone says I havenāt been around enough to be a part of the family, but if he wonāt start now to bring me around, when will he start?
I need to become independent in my life. Every few years, I get my independence, then immediately turn around, and become dependent on someone. I need to get a car. So I donāt have to depend on him for rides. I could do whatever I wanted if I had a car.
But being independent requires money. I need a job. I need a ride to the job to get one. Isnāt that what they call a catch-22? If it is, my whole life is a catch-22.
How do I let go of these things? The whole being optimistic, speaking peace into the universe, and burning sage hasnāt worked. How can you be happy when life feels like one hurdle after the other?
The first month of 2023 is over; I donāt know how I felt about it.
So I donāt know what I did to deserve the shit show that has been my life these past few weeks, but it must have been terrible. It seemed like every time something good would happen, something terrible would happen directly after. Then it just to worse.
My uncle died, and his kids are in the custody of his crazy wife, who shouldnāt be within three feet of them; my job is so ridiculously stupidly stressful that Iām ready to cry. There was a power outage, and I was left sitting in the dark for hours- I work alone at night- thereās still no power. We had a homeless person walk onto the property while I was in the restroom, and of course, that became my fault. How dare I not give myself a uti and hold my bladder for the 8 hours I work? One of the drivers I work with makes me feel uncomfortable; I thought he was gone since I hadnāt seen him since Thanksgiving. Well, starting today, he is back.
I finally decided to return to school, and now Iām being tested by the universe. How am I supposed to handle school if Iām this stressed now?
Did I make the wrong decision?
Iāve had this nagging feeling I need to get a second job, go to school, start an Only Fans or something. Either make more money or put in the effort to make more money eventually.
And randomly, at two am last week, I found myself setting up an account. Sitting there waiting for an email confirmation, I get scared. Maybe Iāve made a mistake. Perhaps I should have thought it through.
I just signed up for the closest community college, and classes start in two weeks. I am not ready.
Iāve been debating the possibility of returning to school since 2019. But I didnāt want to pay nonresident fees between moving states and getting settled. I got caught in a cycle of working, earning a paycheck, and spending that paycheck. I got a new job that distracted me with a 40hr and getting paid above minimum wage. I started to think that I didnāt need school.
But I stopped putting effort into things that mattered. My ice cream business, for example. Yes, it was winter, and some people donāt eat ice cream in the winter, totally fine. But why didnāt I start experimenting with flavors and consistency and trying to make my syrups?
Iām in the beginning stages. I need to take advantage of the people willing to taste test and give them everything I can imagineājalapeƱo popper ice cream or pickle ice cream. I would never make those flavors, but I could have. I need to try a crazy, or else I wonāt know it works. I need to start promoting myself as an ice cream business vs. just promoting myself as a person.
Iāll stop my rambling and crying now. Iām tired and need to sleep. I need to quit my job. Neither of those is happening tonight.
Iāve said a few times that I want to be more creative and try to express myself through different types of art. I have a habit of starting hobbies and then never following through. Iām trying to change that and use all the materials I have at my disposal. Iām going to start actively giving updates on projects and calling it Blend The Rules.
This is obviously the Lately, Iāve been searching for a crocheted or knitted cardigan.
After searching for what felt like forever, I found some sweaters. I didnāt have any specific pattern or design in mind. I wanted a chunky cardigan. The only downside was all the nice ones I loved were between $200- $400. Thereās no way I can spend that much on a sweater. Iām poor.
So my self-confidence led me to believe I could make my sweater. I donāt know where that confidence came from, honestly. The last time I knitted, sewed, or crocheted was in 2017. I made a cow print and denim skirt, and everyone around me was like, āeww, cow print.ā only for it to be the next popular trend.
So now Iām stumbling through a teach yourself to crochet book. It is worth it. It was $12 from Walmart. Itās a complete kit; you only need to buy the yarn.
I havenāt done much yet, but I did make a tiny little heart.
I donāt have a pattern for the sweater. Iām going to play it by ear.
Iām challenging myself to become a better writer. I rely on the use of adverbs and adjectives in my storytelling. My primary weak points are grammar, spelling, and sentence structure. That is one of the reasons why it takes forever for me to get to a point.
āAdverbs are the tools of a lazy writer.ā -Mark Twain
Iām not terrible at writing, but I still need to work. Am I better at writing now than I was in high school? Yes. Will I be a better writer in another seven years? Yes. Getting better at anything takes practice, time, and effort.
My partner got me a 100 prompt notebook after I told him I wanted to practice my writing skill. I love a supportive partner.
So welcome to our new Wednesday segment: Do You Comma Here Often?
Todayās prompt is to write a short scene without using adverbs or adjectives.
āThe path to Hell is paved with adverbs.ā -Stephen King
The scene:
The sun is beating down on the field as the high school football game is about to begin. A group of boys are looking for seats on the bleachers. One of the boys spots a familiar face in the sea of faces. The girl notices him at the same time. Waving her hands, she yells, āover here,ā getting the groupās attention. The boys make their way to her. Sensing the groupās hesitation, she moves, smiling at the person closest to her.
āWhy donāt you come over here by me?ā She asked, batting her lashes. The boyās face blushes as he sits beside her.
Before anyone can say anything else, the drum line starts on the field.
I took a little break from the blog and California and ran to Vegas. This was a planned trip, and it came at the perfect time. I really needed to see my family and get away from life for a minute.
It was nice seeing my family, my brother and my nephew especially. I plan on going back out there in about three months.
Youāre probably like, āEryn, why are you going back out there in three months?ā Well, my brother left to go to Boot Camp. It was no surprise that he joined a military branch. He was an ROTC in high school. He was ready to go to Boot Camp last year when he graduated high school in May, but something happened. Now heās finally been able to go.Ā
I donāt know how his Boot Camp will be -the only understanding I have with any military training is from Mulan.
I very much doubt thatās what heās going through. So he will be training to be a marine, and Iāve learned their Boot Camp is 13 weeks or something like that. All that time with no phone I would cry.
He requested that for his going away meal, my mom makes barbecue. I have been dying to learn how my mom makes her bbq sauce, so this was perfect. This sauce is so good; Iād put it on everything if I could.
She makes her brisket, spare ribs, and baby back ribs, all with the same sauce and rub.
I think Iāve mentioned a few times my mom doesnāt measure. So when I write down her recipes, itās best to measure how you usually would.
My Momās Baby Back Ribs
The Rub
Salt and pepper
Garlic powder
Onion powder
Paprika
Cumin
Red chili flakes
Chili powder
Two tablespoons of instant coffee (literally the only thing she measured)
The Sauce
One tablespoon of unsalted butter
1/2 cup diced onion
one tablespoon of minced garlic
one cup ketchup
1/2 cup water
One tablespoon of yellow mustard or, as my mom said, a hint of mustard.Ā
Two tablespoons of the rub seasoningĀ
Brown sugar
Juice from the meat
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees FahrenheitĀ
Season the ribs with the rub before placing them in a baking dish, meat side down
Wrap the dish with aluminum foil and bake for two hours until tender.
Remove the foil, take the juice from the meat and ingredients for the barbecue sauce in a saucepan, and simmer for ten minutes until thickened.
Pour sauce on the meat and place the meat back in the oven for thirty minutes.
Rest for 10 minutes before slicing.
Enjoy!!
I didnāt get the best picture of them finished. I was trying not to lose a hand to the hungry mob behind me.
I found out today that my ex-best friend died. Iām feeling guilty and angry and sad and a little off.
I donāt deserve to feel sad about their death, but I should also feel sadder. I keep remembering things and crying and then feel bad for crying.
We had a massive falling out almost a year ago and then again a few months ago. I donāt want to think about the arguments and the anger.
I only want to think of the good times we had. At one point, we spent much time talking, vacationing and hanging out. We knew everything about the other person. We gave advice and offered help to each other. We spent nights talking and falling asleep on his momās couch when I didnāt have a place to stay.
He was there to pick up the pieces when I had my first severe panic attack and when I was ready to kill myself. I was there to help him move into his apartment. We were always there for each other, and then we werenāt.
We werenāt as close as we once were, then we were nothing. He was serious about having cancer, and I should have tried harder to fix our relationship. And now heās gone, and I feel these mixed emotions because Iām still so angry at him, but it feels wrong to be mad at him.
And I donāt have any pictures anymore; I only have our matching tattoos.
We got these tattoos of a spider-Lucas, the spider from a Disney short. We both felt down on our luck. I wasnāt homeless anymore, but I was still depressed, and he struggled to keep up with his bills and other things. We were walking from a store and saw this stray dog, and I burst into tears. Saying no one is going to want me. A stray dog or cat might be adopted someday or saved, but I was like a spider. Who wants a spider? And as Iām saying this, a spider falls on my shoulder. Iām freaking out and crying because obvi a spider is on me. And Iām crying even more because Iāve just proven my point. He talks me down, grabs the spider, and says, āHere, letās take him home. ā He names the spider Scotty. The spider immediately fell or jumped out of his hand. On his birthday, we got matching tattoos.
He celebrated his last birthday in the hospital, his last Thanksgiving, and his last Christmas.
To mentally prepare for the year, I can spend all of January and even some of December planning. Usually, I donāt know my wants for the whole year in the first week of January. Nothing wrong with that. Each year is different. Some years for me, January is a rocky month, but by June, Iām like, this is my best year ever. And sometimes, itās the reverse. It really depends. This year I am controlling the narrative. So even if January is terrible, it isnāt.
It takes a lot to live the life I want. Coming from me, that probably sounds strange since I constantly complain about my life. If Iām being honest, my life isnāt that bad. It is stressful at times, but overall Iām pretty lucky. Just because things donāt work out when and how I want them doesnāt mean the end of the world.
So call it manifesting, praying, the law of attraction; same difference. Itās putting your intentions into the universe and hoping that something or someone is listening.
Before I put any energy into the universe, I meditate. I want a clear mind before I do anything. For me, it starts with thinking positively. I know that sounds lame, but it helps. Say a few affirmations and give yourself a little love. Positive thinking is soo important for mental health.
And then I question everything. What do I need? What do I need in my life, family, health, and career? What do I want? What do I want for my life? I try to be as transparent with my intentions as possible. I have to be honest about what I am willing to work towards.
After Iāve decided, I write it down. This year I made my first vision board. Usually, I write down bullet points in a journal. I should clarify this is different than the goals I share with you at the beginning of each year. Not by much, but it is different.
This might be unconventional, but I made my vision board online. I didnāt do a super intense collage. I created sections for myself for my family, health, hobbies, and fun. I put influencers and celebrities who I admire. Things I wish would happen throughout this year and in the future.
One of the reasons that not journaling really affected my life and mental state last year was that I could not see the work I put into these goals. You canāt just put it out into the universe or pray about it once and then expect all of your problems to be fixed magically. You have to work towards this.
Some questions I ask myself every month are
What am I grateful that God or the Universe has already given me?
How am I bettering myself?
What efforts am I putting into this goal? What can I do differently?
What brings you inner peace? What is it about this person, place, or thing that affects my this way?
How have my desires changed over the years?
You have to check in with yourself regularly. I like to check in once a month. Are you being negative? If you are, why? Negative energy doesnāt bring good things. And being negative allows you to miss signs around you. Itās basically self-sabotage.
One time I was looking for a new job. It was taking a while, and I was starting to feel defeated. I remember complaining to everyone about how I needed a new job and more money. When I finally got an interview, I jumped at the chance. The company was sketchy, but I didnāt care; I still went. And even after going to the first interview, they scheduled a second interview. I was still like this is super sketchy, but I was also being negative like this is probably the only thing Iām going to get. After that first interview, I got a call from a different, not sketchy company asking if I wanted to interview. I was being salty about them passing on me the first time I applied, so I turned it down. I returned to the sketchy place, did the second interview, and got the job. It was a pyramid scheme. Self-sabotage is real.
You have to trust your gut and trust the process. You know what is right for you. You know when what youāre doing is good for you as a person. I refuse to believe people are out of touch with their bodies and donāt know whatās happening. The little happy tingles I get when I eat sugar or finish a book are the same ones I get after a good workout.
Now when it comes to being one with the universe and making sure that the one game of MASH you played where you lived in a mansion married to Calum from 5SOS with eight kids comes true, driving a white Bronco. You have to do three things: be realistic, put in work, and trust the process. Thereās no time limit on manifesting. Something I wanted and worked toward years ago is coming true now.
Making a dream into reality begins with what you have, not with what you are waiting on.
T.F. Hodge
Iām a little impatient and controlling with just about everything. Sometimes, I donāt notice things happening until itās too late. Which doesnāt always allow me to show proper gratitude.
My faith is a powerful motivation and guide. I grew up hearing Godās got a plan. Being an adult made me realize that our plans may not always align. I know I want something now, but perhaps Iām not ready for it emotionally, mentally, financially, or physically. I donāt expect to get some prophetical dream that will tell me Godās goal for me. I would love one, but life doesnāt work that way.
So let us take a deep breath and breathe out all our negative thoughts about what the future has in store for us.
Things will be changing a little. Good news I promise.
I want to post more about my experiences, motivations, and things that help me through rough times.
Each month I want to discuss something Iām going through or went through. This first month will feel all over the place since there has never been any consistency on this blog before. But these post will hopefully be beneficial for both of us.
We will continue to learn and grow together.
I wasnāt lying when I said I couldnāt wait to see what 2023 brings us. I hope that it brings us all a little peace.
I believe that 2023 will be the first of many years that people are set free from many things that held them back in previously.
I want to be able to help people let things go as well as do so myself.
I started this blog to talk about my experiences and help others going through my same problems, and I would love to return to that core belief. There will still be random rants, breakdowns, recipes, and arts and crafts, donāt worry. Also, how many times can I mention something just to forget about it and never bring it up again? Thatās annoying, and itās time to stop that.
This may be a terrible idea. But I will try to read one book a week for the entire year.
The only way I can do this is by planning out all the books I want to read now. Iām more than a little nervous about this. Am I biting off more than I can chew?
Iāve already lost the original instagram post. But it was there, I promise. It was 52 different prompts for booksāsimple things like an unlikely detective, a cozy mystery, or by an author youāve never read before.
Now on top of reading 52 books based on prompts outside of my comfort zone, I also have to find a way to incorporate the books I brought on a whim. So Iāve decided to do this and the A-Z challenge combined. This shall be very interesting.
Since I had so many books, I had to make up some of my own prompts. This list is way more than 52 books. Iām going to tell you now I am cheating by using books that start with the word āTHE.āĀ
Iāll do this in a list format. So on top will be the prompt, and under it will be the book I plan on reading.
A book on my TBR
A light in the Flame by Jennifer L Armentrout
A book that gives you hope
A Dogās Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron
A book set in the 1700s
Antoinnetteās Sister by Diana Giovinazzo
A book that makes you laugh
Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade by Patrick Dennis
A book set in India
Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo
A book Iāve been excited to read
Beyond the Wand by Tom Felton
A book with a rabbit on the cover
Bunny by Mona Awad
An illustrated book
WARNING!!!! This is an NSFW Book. Do not read if you are not an adult. Brutal Prince by Sophie Lark (Free on Kindle Unlimited)Ā
Complete an entire series
Beartown Trilogy by Fredrick Backman
A speculative fiction
Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas
A book about history
Chernobyl: The History of a Nuclear CatastropheĀ
A cozy mystery
Death by Dumpling by Vivian Chien. (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A book that I was told I would like
Dear Mr. Knightley by Katherine Reay
An Indigenous author
Empire of Wild by Cherie Dimaline
An Anthology
Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman
A Graphic Novel
Fangs by Sarah Andersen
An Unlikely detective
Friday the Rabbi Slept Late by Harry Kemelman (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A book with a map
Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan
A horror story
Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
A debut novel
How Iāll Kill you by Ren DeStefano (Comes out March 21, Still time to order)
LGBTQ+ Fiction
Hell Followed with Us by Andrew Joseph White
A nonhuman main character
The Humans by Matt Haig
A book about a shipwreck
In the Heart of the Sea by Nathaniel Philbrick
An author Iāve never heard of
Josh and Hazelās Guide to Not Dating by Christina Lauren
A book about a sport
The Knockout by Sajni Patel
A book featuring a close friend group
Kate in Waiting by Becky Albertalli
The first book of a new series
Liberty or Death (The Soldier Chronicles) by David Cook
A book youāve heard great things about
Lessons by Ian McEwan
A bestseller
Ā Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus
An author you havenāt read in a while
Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult
A book featuring pirates
The Mermaid, The Witch and The Sea by Maggie Tokugawa-Hall
A biography of a person I know nothing about
Madam: The Biography of Polly Adler, Icon of the Jazz Age by Debby Applegate
A friendās book recommendation
Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain
A second-person narrative
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
Give a DNF book a second chance
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon
An intimidating book
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A retelling of a classic Disney Story
Prince of Song and Sea by Linsey Miller
A nonfiction book on a topic I know nothing about
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Canāt Stop Talking by Susan Cain
A POC author
Real Life by Brandon Taylor
A National Book Award winner
The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty
A book with āAdventureā in the title
She: A History of Adventure by H. Rider Haggard
A Barnes and Noble exclusive
Someone Elseās Shoes by Jojo Moyes
A book with a tough choice
The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult
A memoir
Three Pianos by Andrew McMahon
Another Memoir
Taste: My Life Through Food by Stanley Tucci
A book about a murder
Under the Midnight Sun by Keigo Higashino
A book or author everyone is talking about
Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover
A book might make me cry
Vincent and Theo: The Van Gogh Brothers by Deborah Heiligman
A librarianās favorite. (I couldnāt find a librarian, so I asked a person who works at B&N)
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo
A journey of Self
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
A book published before I was Born
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
A fantasy novel
Will Do Magic for Small Change by Andrea Hairston
A Romance
XOXO by Axie Oh (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A favorite on social media
Yes No Maybe So by Becky Albertalli
A Barnes and Nobleās monthly pick
Yellow Wife by Sadeqa Johnson (Free on Kindle Unlimited)
A book youāve already read
Z: a novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Anne Fowler
Iām not going to be super critical about being in alphabetical order, and I hope you arenāt, either. I am as long as Iām reading a book that starts with an A or a book that begins with a B; when it comes to those times, thatās all that matters. I am also not going to force myself to finish books. If the book is a DNF, then itās a DNF, not my problem.
I would love to see what books you read using the same prompts. I do know that the monthly book club post just got more interesting.
