Category: Body & Being

Mental wellness, self-kindness, routines, rest, and navigating life gently

Posted in Body & Being

Little Things I’m Doing for a Spring Reset

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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I know, I know… I just made a whole post about spring fashion. But now I’m second-guessing myself. Is it actually spring yet? I mean, we just did the whole “spring forward” daylight saving time thing, which feels like it should mean spring is officially here.

Also, can someone please explain why I’m almost 30 and still don’t know if it’s daylight saving or daylight savings time? And while we’re at it… when does this time change nonsense actually stop? Every year the news says, “This might be the last year!” and every year… it is very much not the last year.

Sorry. Ranting Eren was activated. That was not the point of this post.

The actual point of this post is my spring reset. Winter is over, the seasonal depresso espresso era is (hopefully) behind us, and I’m trying to reset a few habits for the season. Nothing extreme, nothing unrealistic—just a few little things I’m doing to feel a bit healthier and happier.

Here’s what my spring reset is looking like this year.

1. Move Every Day

My biggest motivation for this one? Two overly excited puppies.

Honestly, if you really want to commit to moving more, I highly recommend getting not one but two chaotic dogs who demand walks. Suddenly you’re outside every day whether you planned to be or not—because if you don’t take them out, they will absolutely destroy your house.

It’s the most effective fitness accountability system I’ve ever had.

2. Drink More Water

This sounds simple, but it’s one of those habits I constantly have to remind myself about.

My current goal is to drink three of my Hydro bottles a day. They’re only 24 oz, so it’s not like I’m doing anything wild here. But considering my natural daily beverage rotation is usually 3–5 coffees with occasional water appearances, this still feels like progress.

Small wins count.

3. Eat for Health

My mom’s health situation recently really lit a fire under me to start taking my own health more seriously. Because of that, I’m planning to try a 40-day zero-sugar diet.

And let me tell you right now… I already hate it.

But I’m hoping it helps reset my habits a bit and makes me more mindful about what I’m eating. Wish me luck because I am going to need it.

4. Plant a Garden

This is also on my March bucket list.

I haven’t actually gotten around to doing it yet, but my goal is to plant tomatoes this year. I have no idea how successful this will be with two curious dogs running around, but we’re going to try.

Worst case scenario: the dogs eat the tomatoes and we call it enrichment.

5. Have a Tea Party

What is more spring than a tea party?

One of the best parts about living in the SoCal area is that there are so many cute places to go for tea. My personal favorite is this little local bar in Long Beach called The Wicked Wolf. It’s adorable, the vibe is great, and it’s a solid 10/10 recommendation from me.

Tea parties just feel like the ultimate spring activity—cute outfits, good tea, and a little excuse to slow down for an afternoon.

6. Force Myself to Have a Self-Care Day

And yes, I do mean force. Because I’m the type of person who will absolutely skip self-care if I don’t schedule it.

My version of a self-care day is pretty simple:

  • Painting my nails spring colors (I’m currently obsessed with butter yellow)
  • Using a hydration or glow face mask
  • Facial mist to bring my skin back to life after winter

In the colder months my skin always gets really dull, so I’ve been loving the Grace & Stella rosewater face spray lately. It’s refreshing, light, and perfect when my skin needs a little pick-me-up.

I’m also leaning fully into spring scents right now. Floral candles, fresh scents, anything that makes the house feel lighter. One of my friends recently gave me the Goose Creek Wildberry Wisteria candle, and she said it had “Bridgerton vibes.”

Let me tell you… she was 1000% correct.

At this point my candle stash is starting to overflow because I keep buying them or getting them as gifts. But honestly? I burn candles year-round and I love them.

I’m not sure if that’s weird… but I’m choosing to believe it’s a personality trait.

The Goal of My Spring Reset

Nothing on this list is about being perfect. It’s just about shaking off winter a little bit—moving more, drinking more water, getting outside, and romanticizing small moments like tea parties and fresh candles.

Spring always feels like a fresh start, even if we’re still confused about the daylight saving time situation.

If you’re doing a spring reset too, I’d love to know what habits or routines you’re starting this season.

Posted in Body & Being

I walked a 5K, and honestly? It wasn’t that bad.

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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Let me be clear—I didn’t run. I didn’t train. I didn’t have some dramatic fitness montage beforehand. I just showed up, put one foot in front of the other, and walked the whole thing. And somehow, the world did not end.

The first mile felt suspiciously easy, which immediately made me nervous. The second mile was when my legs started asking questions and my brain started negotiating. By the third mile, I was fully committed out of spite. I had come too far to quit, and turning around felt more embarrassing than just finishing.

Crossing the finish line felt oddly satisfying. Not life-changing, not spiritual—but solid. I did something I wasn’t sure I wanted to do, and it turns out I was capable the whole time.

Posted in Body & Being

Running on Empty

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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Exactly one month ago, I declared—loudly and confidently—that I was going to train for a 5K.

It was supposed to be a thing. A routine. A little plotline for my summer. The start of a new arc where I was going to become that girl—disciplined, glowy, hydrated, jogging through the neighborhood at sunrise while vibing to a playlist called “5K Slay.”

But instead?

Here’s what actually happened:

  • A few half-hearted walks.
  • A couple of nights doom-scrolling beginner runner TikTok instead of going to bed.
  • Multiple “this is the week I start” pep talks… followed by zero actual running.

And then—nothing.

Just regular life. And depression.

And the quiet, constant ache of wanting to want things—but not quite being able to push myself through the fog.

There’s a word I’m looking for here—not motivation, not even discipline exactly, but that thing that lets you make yourself do something even when you don’t feel like it. The internal push. The engine. The whatever-it-is that people seem to be born with or build or brute-force into their bones.

I think I lost mine somewhere between burnout, sadness, and too many “maybe tomorrow” mornings.

To be clear, this wasn’t just a case of “I got busy.”

This was a full-body shutdown.

That fuzzy, foggy, gently-doomed feeling where everything is technically fine but somehow still feels like a cursed Sims save file.

And now it’s August.

Which hasn’t brought peace or renewal or momentum—but rather, a soft, creeping sense of doom.

Like I’m standing in the middle of a slow, sad montage where nothing is exactly wrong, but everything still feels like it’s unraveling. Not dramatically. Just… quietly. Just enough to make everything feel heavy.

I’m not trying to be dramatic—okay, maybe a little—but this month already feels like Little Miss Sunshine: emotionally unstable, slightly chaotic, and featuring an ensemble cast of tired people just trying their best. Everyone’s hanging on by a thread, the van won’t start without a push, and no one really knows what’s happening—but we’re still rolling forward, somehow. Just picture me in the metaphorical backseat, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and trying to stay hopeful while everything teeters between disaster and weird, scrappy triumph.

To be fair, it’s not just me spiraling.

Hector’s been going through it too.

He’s still job hunting, and the stress of that alone is enough. But add to that the fact that his car was completely totaled (he’s okay, thankfully—the car is not), and we’re officially in “when it rains, it pours” territory.

He did get a job lead and passed the drug test (yay!).

But then… they found protein in his urine.

Which can mean kidney disease.

Which, for a guy who’s had kidney stones since he was a kid, is more than a little terrifying.

Naturally, I’ve been down a 1 a.m. rabbit hole Googling “can kidney stones cause kidney disease” like I’m studying for the MCAT. Spoiler: the answer is somewhere between sometimes? and maybe not?—which is so comforting, thank you WebMD.

So yeah. I’m not running a 5K this month.

I’m running errands.

Running out of patience.

Running on iced coffee and borrowed serotonin.

But I’m still here.

Still wanting to become the version of me who set that goal.

Still trying to believe in her, even if she’s currently curled up under a blanket, Googling “how to runaway from your life.”

The 5K may happen.

Maybe August will calm the hell down.

Maybe I’ll start by just walking. Or stretching. Or drinking water like someone who has a plan.

For now, I’m letting this post be the progress report.

A soft check-in.

A quiet reminder that some months are for thriving, and some months are for surviving—and both are still valid.

Posted in Body & Being

Trying to Run a 5K: Part 1.5 — The Prep, The Plan, and The Panic

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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I haven’t quite hit the pavement yet, but I’ve got a solid plan in place! Yep, a real plan—complete with structure, rest days, and enough cross-training to make my yoga mat a little nervous about all the action coming its way.

Mark your calendars because “Day 1” is just 7 days away—1 week from today! So, why the wait? Well, I’m not just diving into a 5K training plan; I’m also trying to give up sugar and caffeine (yikes!) and, brace yourself, aiming to get to bed at a reasonable hour. All of this at once feels like a complete system reboot, and I’m ready for it! But let’s be real, I know myself well enough to realize there’s no way I’ll be successful with this challenge while juggling:

  • My niece’s birthday party (a.k.a. a frosting-filled, sugar-coated explosion of chaos powered by tiny humans with way too much energy)
  • The 4th of July (basically a national holiday for BBQ, soda, and pretending I understand firework safety)
  • A quick trip to Vegas, where my mom’s cooking will be present—and let’s be clear: I am not passing up her food for the sake of willpower. Some things are sacred.

So instead of launching headfirst into this well-intentioned chaos with a cupcake in one hand and a caffeine headache brewing, I’m giving myself a few gentle days to reset. Between my niece’s birthday party (sugar central), the 4th of July (hello, soda and fireworks confusion), and a quick trip to Vegas (where my mom’s cooking will absolutely be enjoyed with zero guilt), now is just… not the moment.

I want to start this journey with a clear head, a somewhat stable sleep schedule, and no frosting on my fingers.

In the meantime, I did find a training plan I really like—it’s from Anytime Fitness, and it’s way more my pace. No sprinting on Day 1, no scary mileage—just a realistic mix of running, walking, cross-training (like yoga, resistance bands, and bodyweight exercises), and my favorite: rest days.

The app I downloaded is still coming along for the ride, but it’s more for logging miles, not telling me what to do. This plan below is the one I’ll actually be following:

🏃‍♀️ My 6-Week 5K Training Plan

Week 1:

  • Day 1: Run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 3x
  • Day 2: Cross-train (stability + balance)
  • Day 3: Run 6 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 3x
  • Day 4: Rest
  • Day 5: Run 7 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 3x
  • Day 6: Cross-train (resistance band squats + lunges)
  • Day 7: Rest

Week 2:

  • Day 1: Run 7 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 3x
  • Day 2: Cross-train (abs + chest)
  • Day 3: Run 8 minutes, walk 1 minute → then run 1 min, walk 2 min, repeat 3x → finish with 7 min run, 1 min walk
  • Day 4: Rest
  • Day 5: Run 9 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 3x
  • Day 6: Cross-train (yoga + stretching)
  • Day 7: Rest

Week 3:

  • Day 1: Run 10 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 2x
  • Day 2: Cross-train (full body)
  • Day 3: Run 12 minutes, walk 1 minute → then run 1 min, walk 2 min, repeat 4x
  • Day 4: Rest
  • Day 5: Run 13 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 2x
  • Day 6: Cross-train (resistance bands)
  • Day 7: Rest

Week 4:

  • Day 1: Run 15 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 2x
  • Day 2: Cross-train (stability + balance)
  • Day 3: Run 8 minutes, walk 2 minutes — repeat 3x
  • Day 4: Rest
  • Day 5: Run 15 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 2x
  • Day 6: Cross-train (yoga + stretching)
  • Day 7: Rest

Week 5:

  • Day 1: Run 9 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 3x
  • Day 2: Cross-train (arms + chest)
  • Day 3: Run 12 minutes, walk 2 minutes — repeat 2x, then run 5 minutes
  • Day 4: Rest
  • Day 5: Run 8 minutes, walk 2 minutes — repeat 3x
  • Day 6: Rest or cross-train (resistance bands)
  • Day 7: Rest

Week 6:

  • Day 1: Run 15 minutes, walk 1 minute — repeat 2x
  • Day 2: Cross-train (full body)
  • Day 3: Run 8 minutes, walk 2 minutes — repeat 3x
  • Day 4: Rest
  • Day 5: Run 8 minutes, walk 2 minutes — repeat 3x
  • Day 6: Cross-train (yoga + stretching)
  • Day 7: Race Day! 🎉 Run 5K!

Well, here we are—the pre-game plan is all set before the real adventure kicks off! I’ve got my schedule ready, my start date marked, and just a few days left to enjoy my last can of soda (while trying to avoid thinking about the impending sugar withdrawal 😅). 

Next on my agenda: getting moving, preparing for some soreness, and hopefully catching my first glimpse of my “Hot Girl Running Era” (even if I start off more like a sweaty turtle than a graceful gazelle)! 

Stick around for Part 2, and wish me luck on this journey—I’m about to swap cake for kale (at least for a little while)! 

PS: I’ll be updating this “Trying to Run a 5K” series every week, but don’t be surprised if I throw in some quick check-ins along the way—like mini pep talks, a little drama about my runs, and the occasional confession when I totally bail on a run for an iced latte. Let’s be real, we all know that’s gonna happen!

Posted in Body & Being

Trying to Run a 5K: Part 1 — Spoiler, I’m Already Tired

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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So, a few months ago — in a burst of optimism, Pinterest-fueled ambition, and maybe one too many motivational TikTok’s — I decided I was going to run a 5K by the end of the year.

I told my friends (and even put it on my bingo card!) that I wanted to run a 5K. It felt exciting and empowering — like I was diving headfirst into my Hot Girl Running Era. But now that the initial thrill has worn off and it’s literally July, I have to face the truth:

I haven’t worked out consistently all year.
Not once. Not even close.

I’m a big fan of sweets and comfort carbs, and I tend to process all my emotions through sugar and procrastination. So yeah, the 5K dream? It’s cute. And currently very theoretical.

“How Do You Run a 5K?”

To kick things off, I asked my brother what felt like a very fair, totally normal beginner question:

“How does someone even run a 5K?”
His answer? A casual, completely unbothered:
“Run.”
Cool. Thanks for the clarity, champ.

For the past two years, my weight has danced between 186 and 198, no matter what I try — calorie counting, “clean” eating, gentle walks, or shedding tears into my yogurt. Nothing sticks. I give it my all for a few weeks, don’t see instant progress, and spiral.

Deep down, I want that glow-up montage.
The dramatic before-and-after.
The magical “she believed she could, so she did” moment — preferably in 30 days or less.

And let’s not forget:
I’m a full-time student, planning a wedding, and running on caffeine and vibes. It’s chaotic. It’s overwhelming. But guess what?

I’m Still Doing This.

Not because I hate my body — but because I want to feel better in it. I want to nurture it. Celebrate it. Show up for myself in small, sweaty, wildly unglamorous ways.

Even if I never make it past the walk-run stage.
Even if my “5K” turns into a dramatic 4.3K with extra water breaks.
Even if I cry halfway through and then reward myself with a smoothie.

This Is: Trying to Run a 5K — A Series

This is part one of what I’m calling Trying to Run a 5K — a mini series where I document:

  • The wins 💪

  • The fails 😩

  • The cravings 🍫

  • The breakthroughs 🌟

  • The brutally honest in-betweens

What’s Coming Next:

  • Finally using the running app I downloaded back in March 📱

  • Documenting my (very humble) starting stats

  • Trying to cut back on soda without emotionally unraveling 🥤

  • Battling my all-or-nothing mindset (again)

  • Probably failing a little. Definitely trying again.

This journey is already shaping up to be beautifully messy — and I haven’t even tied my shoelaces yet.
But I’m here. I’m starting.
And honestly? That counts for something.

Stay tuned for Part 2!

(And seriously… send electrolytes.)

Posted in Body & Being

Life Got Heavy — So I’m Lightening My Load, Gently

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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There’s this quote I keep coming back to:

“Remember why you started.”

I don’t even remember where I first heard it — maybe a book, maybe Pinterest, maybe I’m misquoting The Lion King — but it’s been sitting with me lately. Heavy in the best and hardest way.

I started this blog nearly six years ago with a simple but powerful goal: to bring hope and happiness into a world that often makes it hard to believe in either. Not because I had everything figured out — I didn’t then, and I still don’t — but because I knew I wasn’t alone in the mess. I knew there were others like me, trying to climb out of the same emotional holes over and over again, wondering if joy was ever going to feel real.

I wrote about healing, about reclaiming internal peace, and about being brave enough to feel everything without letting it swallow me whole. Back then, I was committed. I had my rituals: journaling, morning meditations, and a daily dose of motivation. I even asked myself every day, “If you had to scale your overall happiness, what would it be?” (For context: 0 = depressed, 10 = excited.) That simple question helped me track my heart, not just my habits.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped.

When Did I Let Go of Myself?

By “lately,” I mean the better part of five years. That’s how long I’ve spent quietly — sometimes unknowingly — drifting away from that version of me. The one who was trying. The one who had hope. The one who knew healing took daily work and still showed up anyway.

Life didn’t just happen — it kept happening. Emotion after emotion, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. Like waves that never gave me enough time to catch my breath. And during all of it, I did what I thought I had to do: I survived. I put out emotional fires. I stayed busy. I told myself I was “fine.”

But in the chaos, I stopped checking in with myself.

I stopped writing in my gratitude journal.

I stopped meditating in the morning.

I stopped reading those little sticky notes of encouragement I used to keep on my phone.

And without even realizing it, I stopped asking myself that daily question:

Where’s your happiness at today?

The truth? Most days now, I wouldn’t even know how to answer.

When Did I Let My Insecurities Win?

It wasn’t a big, dramatic unraveling. It was quiet. Subtle. Almost unnoticeable — until I looked up one day and realized I didn’t recognize myself.

I let the insecurities creep back in.

I started doubting my voice.

I shrunk myself around people who didn’t ask me to, but I assumed I had to.

I convinced myself that I had to prove something to be enough — to earn rest, love, or even joy.

And my overall mental mood? It’s been… bad. That’s the honest answer. I’ve been stuck in a fog of frustration, sadness, and emotional exhaustion — so deep that it became my new normal. And I forgot that it’s not who I am.

But Here’s the Thing: I Noticed. And That Matters.

Today, I’m not writing because I’m on the other side of it all. I’m writing because I noticed how far I’ve drifted from myself — and that’s the first, hardest, most important step in finding my way back.

I remembered why I started this blog.

I remembered how deeply I want to live with joy and purpose — not just autopilot.

And I remembered that happiness isn’t something we find; it’s something we create. It’s something we practice.

Happiness Isn’t a Destination — It’s a Direction

No, life still isn’t where I want it to be. And some days, that still hurts. But here’s the difference: I’m starting to see that “not there yet” doesn’t mean “nowhere.” I’ve grown. Quietly. Messily. Slowly. But I’ve grown.

I’ve learned that I don’t need to arrive at some perfect version of happiness to keep moving toward it. Joy doesn’t always come with fireworks. Sometimes, it looks like:

  • Dragging myself out of bed and into clean clothes.
  • Drinking water before coffee.
  • Taking a walk in silence — no music, no podcast — just my breath and the pavement.
  • Reminding myself that I don’t need permission to be who I already am.

Progress Isn’t Linear — And That’s Okay

I used to think healing meant I’d never feel anxious or low again. But healing is really about feeling those things and still showing up and still caring for yourself. Still letting yourself believe in better days — even when you’re not living one yet.

Depression taught me stillness, but it also showed me how dangerous it can be to sit in it too long. I don’t want just to exist anymore. I want to live — with intention, with softness, with truth.

So here’s the truth: I can be sad and still be at peace.

I can feel uncertain and still be grounded.

I can be a work in progress and still offer something meaningful.

So Here’s My Promise to Myself

Starting now, I will:

  • Ask myself again where I’m at on that happiness scale.
  • Write down one thing I’m grateful for each day.
  • Sit in stillness, even if just for two minutes.
  • Challenge the lies my insecurities whisper.
  • Stop waiting to be “better” before I allow myself joy.

To Anyone Reading This Who Feels the Same Way

If you’ve worked hard on your healing and still feel like you’ve slipped backward — you’re not broken. You’re not weak. You’re just human.

Healing isn’t linear. Growth isn’t perfect. But the fact that you want better for yourself — that you’re reading this, still showing up in your own quiet ways — that matters.

You don’t need to have everything figured out.

You don’t need to be at a ten to appreciate being at a six.

You don’t need to wait for life to be perfect to live it with love.

Just take one small step today to move toward the life you want.

Even if it’s messy. Even if it’s slow.

Just keep going.

Let this post be a reminder to both of us:

You’re allowed to begin again.

Posted in Body & Being

Weekly Reflections: Cultivating Mindfulness and Emotional Resilience

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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Things have been a bit chaotic in the U.S. lately, and it often feels like the news is full of negativity. This can be especially tough for anyone dealing with depression. I recently lost my job, which really sent me into a tailspin. But I’ve decided to embrace mindfulness to help bring some balance back into my life. This year, my focus is on being more mindful and resilient—it’s even my “word of the year”! 

Mindfulness isn’t just about meditation; it’s also about reflecting on the positives and challenges, appreciating those little moments, and learning as I go. I’ve been asking myself some important questions like, “How has my week been so far?” and “Am I avoiding anything important that I should tackle?” I also celebrate even the smallest achievements with questions like, “What were my biggest wins this week?”

Here are just a few highlights from my week that might seem simple but really mean a lot to me: I worked 40 hours and read 300 pages of my new book, treating myself to a delicious Cava salad afterward. Although my new job has some communication hiccups, I’m sharing my ideas for improvement instead of complaining. And I’m proud to say I managed not to argue with my roommates this week! It takes a lot of strength to hold back and avoid conflict, even when I feel I’m in the right. 

That said, I have to admit I’m also avoiding responsibilities, especially regarding money. I sometimes wish I could pretend everything is fine, even though it’s not. It might be worse, but I’m definitely struggling with stress. Still, I believe that taking the time for this weekly reflection will help me feel more in control of my depression.

What I truly wish to take from my reflections—and what I hope others can embrace, too, if they choose to do weekly reflections—is the value of mindfulness. It’s important to notice and name those uncomfortable emotions like sadness, fear, and shame without feeling the need to resist or hide from them. I understand how daunting it can be to face these feelings, but I want to cultivate a greater awareness of my emotions rather than letting fear dictate my response. It’s about finding a way to respond to our feelings with kindness and understanding toward ourselves and others.

Posted in Body & Being

Staying Positive

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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I understand that I am currently going through a challenging time, but it often feels like I am always going through a difficult time. Thanks, depression!

However, I have set a goal to be a better person and work on improving myself every day. As part of this goal, I have been reading self-help books and practicing mindfulness and prayer to deal with the stress. Although it’s great that I am taking steps to improve my mental health and well-being, I still need help with fully embracing these practices. Some of me still feel skeptical about the effectiveness of these feel-good cliches.

To help me focus and find peace, I use a journal that centers me through prayer. It has been an excellent tool to remind myself of things I overlook. It’s important to remember that change is not easy and takes time to see results. It’s natural to worry about failure and not believe in oneself. The hardest thing to remember is that I am not alone in this journey we call life. I have a support system of friends and family who care about me.

I used to struggle with the idea that I was too old or starting too late when I restarted my education. Even before I began my educational journey, I wrote about feeling like I wasted my potential. However, I now know that it is not true. It’s okay to take things at your own pace and to make mistakes along the way. What’s important is that you keep trying and stay committed to your personal growth.

My job is emotionally draining, and it’s hard to maintain a positive attitude, take care of myself, and stay motivated. I understand that success is not easy, but sometimes, the challenges are too much to handle. I wish it were easier, and I sometimes consider running away from my problems. However, I know that I can’t escape myself and my issues even if I do. It seems like I can’t do anything right lately, even when I try my best. It feels like nothing in my life is going as planned.

Despite the difficulties, I want to continue reading self-help books, practicing mindfulness, and praying. I want to build resilience and cope with stress more healthily

Posted in Body & Being

Releasing Some Anger

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The fact I understand my emotions and why I’m feeling them makes me the most frustrated. Most of the time, when I’m upset, I’m angry and disappointed and blame myself for what happened.

I’m trying to let go of my anger and resentment. I didn’t know I was carrying this anger until I had a few bible studies. I’m so angry at myself, my parents, and life. And having all of this emotional baggage is affecting my mental health.

Im angry after learning most of the classes I took in Sacramento were repeating courses of the ones I took in Long Beach the first time I went to school. I am angry that my stepmom, “who knew so much more than me,” picked my classes. I am angry I let her pick my classes. I am mad about moving to Sacramento in the first place.

Angry that I constantly give up when things get complicated. And I let myself not do something like study, fill out necessary forms, work out, or put effort into my blog or business—one wrong decision after the other. And I don’t hold myself accountable. I allow myself to be lazy because it’s easier than trying.

Angry that I constantly allow evil thoughts to win. I’m too old for school, stupid, and untrainable.

I am angry that all of these things happened because I allowed my dad and his wife put a lot of doubt in me. I let them control my life and treat me like a child instead of an adult.

I never got an apology, but I only got excuses from my dad. All my dad is good for is excuses for not being around when I was a kid, for not standing up for me when I lived with him, and for cheating on my mom.

Angry that I keep acting like a victim.

Angry, I don’t know how to fully erase them from my life without looking like the bad guy.

How do I let it go? How do I surrender this anger to god, the universe, or whatever you call it?

I think admitting that there was something more behind my depression has helped. There are many things I’m angry about that are happening now too. But these are the things I’ve been carrying with me for a few years now. These are the things I need to acknowledge before I can work on my present or my future; I need to forgive my past.

Posted in Body & Being

Mental Health Update

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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Sorry I’ve been gone a month and came back to say, “Hey guys, I’m depressed.”

February is the smallest month of the year, yet it’s the most stressful.

It always seems like I have so much to do in February. I made it even harder on myself this year by deciding to go to school.

Lately, I have not been in the best mood. It seems like I’m always crying and doubting myself. I had a lot of plans for the blog and my TikTok and couldn’t bring myself to do any of them. I got too overwhelmed.

I started to worry about money, getting a job, getting good grades, keeping up my social life, and having a decent relationship with my boyfriend. I’m carrying a lot of baggage and feel like I’m being weighed down. I’m angry, irritated, and conflicted about everything. Every time I try to speak about things, people invalidate my feelings. And I think it will only get worse before it gets better.

I couldn’t even enjoy my birthday. I had a whole breakdown. Life is the thing happening between all of my meltdowns.

My birthday was a combination of things I’ve been carrying for a while.

My bio dad only messaged me happy birthday while everyone else sent me messages saying they were grateful to me. And I cried again when he decided to Zelle me a few days after as a gift. Not because it was money but because it was just the lack of effort. I don’t know why I expected anything else from him or even wanted it. If you’re going to do something, do it right, or don’t do it at all.

I had a birthday dinner with some friends, and I cried when I realized I’m friends with 90% of them because of my boyfriend. I know it’s not bad, but it just irked me when I got a message saying they were happy I was Hector’s girlfriend. I want to be my own person, not someone’s girlfriend. I don’t want to be friends with someone who only knows me as Hector’s girlfriend.

Speaking of being his girlfriend, that’s all I’m ever going to be. It feels like we aren’t committed to each other. Sometimes it’s like he can’t see a future with me, and I’m tired of trying to make a future for us.

His mom’s birthday is coming up, and I’m not invited to the dinner. It’s family only. And that wouldn’t have affected me so much, but we’ve been together for years. I couldn’t go to family events in the past because I worked on weekends.

I wanted a relationship where I didn’t need a reason to hang out with his family. My family never needed an excuse to see each other if we were in the area, we’d stop by. His family dynamic is different, and I don’t know where I fit in. His mom doesn’t feel comfortable with people stopping by. I get that; sometimes, I want a nice clean house for guests. But I even offered to make her a birthday cake, but that wasn’t possible. They always order their cakes. I don’t feel there’s a spot for me. Everyone says I haven’t been around enough to be a part of the family, but if he won’t start now to bring me around, when will he start?

I need to become independent in my life. Every few years, I get my independence, then immediately turn around, and become dependent on someone. I need to get a car. So I don’t have to depend on him for rides. I could do whatever I wanted if I had a car.

But being independent requires money. I need a job. I need a ride to the job to get one. Isn’t that what they call a catch-22? If it is, my whole life is a catch-22.

How do I let go of these things? The whole being optimistic, speaking peace into the universe, and burning sage hasn’t worked. How can you be happy when life feels like one hurdle after the other?

What are you carrying?