Posted in Relationships

Jealousy, Jealousy

I have talked a few times about My relationships with people, but the person I talk about the least is my best friend. We don’t even talk that much.

It’s my fault we don’t talk so often. I’m a shitty friend.

I love my best friend; she is a fantastic and beautiful person. Lately, I can’t help but feel jealous of her. Not jealous but envious. I say envious because I don’t feel threatened by her or see her as a rival. Instead, I’m longing for her life.

It sounds so creepy to say it like that, but that’s the truth. I get to watch my best friend prioritize living her best life which is impressive. She decided to make herself the main character of her life. I love that for her. But a few times now, I insulted and belittled her instead of saying things that show her how excited and proud I am. And that wasn’t my intent. I don’t know when I stopped admiring her and became envious. I don’t mean to be envious, but my life sucks.

This has nothing to do with her, and it’s 1000% my insecurities. I know she has hardships, but everyone’s life looks easier or luckier than ours. I know I’m on my way to better things. I’m in school, have a partner, and have a job. Things could be way worse. I should be grateful for what I have and am, but sometimes I can’t help but compare our lives.

“Comparison is the thief of Joy”

Theodore Roosevelt.

But the main thing that upsets me is I don’t know how to continue our relationship. I’m convinced there’s a drift happening between us. We stopped talking for a while because of life, and then I made things weird by being jealous and even being clingy, so I tried to distance myself. If I was her I wouldn’t don’t want to be friends anymore. If she tells me that I would completely respect and agree.

I’m sure my recent actions have made her feel like I don’t support her and possibly even made her feel bad about herself. Which is not something I did on purpose, but it did happen. I need to have an open conversation with her and tell her that I am so happy about what she’s been able to do recently. She made a list of goals for herself, and she’s been able to check off some important things, which is incredible.

Listen before anyone comments saying I’m being selfish or a terrible friend. I already know I need to pull my head out of my ass. I know life doesn’t owe us easy lives. Most people must work hard, and I want to strive for myself. I just want to have my friend in the future. She’s more important than any insecurities.

Posted in Relationships

My “Friend” is using me as a free babysitter

I feel this post belongs on an AITA Reddit feed, a Dear Abby column, or something of that nature.

A while ago, my close friends introduced me to one of her friends, let’s call her Charlotte. (side note have you guys seen the Queen Charlotte Netflix special? I’m obsessed)

Now Charlotte and I had many common interests and became friends. It was going great; we would first talk on the phone. I’m not always the best texter, which causes some problems, but I will admit my fault. We even hung out a few times.

Charlotte and her husband both work and sometimes need help with their son. I’m super comfortable around kids (I come from a big family) and would watch him.

Then she started asking me over more. Again not a problem, but it was never to hang out; it was to watch her son.

Now Charlotte and our other friend still talk and text regularly. And our friend would mention things to me that Charlotte had told her or show me pictures of places Charlotte and her husband had been. I was surprised that I knew nothing about what was happening in Charlotte’s life.

But please don’t assume that it is my fault. I get a message from Charlotte asking to watch her son, I go over there, and typically when she comes back, I go home. Sometimes we’ll have a conversation, but I’m usually sent on my way.

Now here’s an important detail I left out, Charlotte is pregnant. Her baby shower has now passed, and she did invite me to it -out of courtesy, I brought them the car seat off her registry. When I showed up, it was so awkward. I knew one person, our mutual friend.

When it came time for the games, I realized I knew NOTHING!!!! The “Who Knows Mommy Best” game asks whether mommy prefers mountains or beaches and does mommy drink coffee or tea. I had a 50/50 chance, and I played the odds. But other things like Babys full name? I knew the family name. Baby’s nursery theme? Not a clue. Baby’s due date? Soon-ish?!?

I felt angry, embarrassed, and humiliated. I wasn’t even mad at her. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough to have a friendship.

I reached out a few days ago to Charlotte, asking her how she was feeling and if she needed help getting ready for the baby. Thanks to the baby shower, I know her due date is soon. I got very short messages. It felt like I was bothering her. This is the worst thing and one of the main reasons I’m bad at texting: I never want to feel like a bother.

I accepted that I tried to reach out, but it didn’t go well. So I decided to cut my losses with this friendship.

Today, she messaged me asking if I could watch her son on the day she is supposed to give birth. I said No. Before even messaging me, she knew I had plans that day. You want to know how I know she knows because I made these plans with our mutual friend, with whom she talks regularly.

She told me how hard it is to find someone to watch her son and how she feels he doesn’t fully understand what’s happening. I feel like the bad person because I don’t know how hard it is to have a kid. I don’t have one. But if it is hard to care for one, why are you having another one?

Also, the due date is next week. Charlotte has known for most of April the exact date she is expected to have the baby. The baby shower was over two weeks ago. Many moms and moms-to-be will say, ” Oh well, babies never come on their actual due date; sometimes they arrive early.” This is a planned c-section.

Why is she waiting until now to ask me to watch her son? Should I watch him even though I have plans?

Posted in Relationships

Grief is Weird

I found out today that my ex-best friend died. I’m feeling guilty and angry and sad and a little off.

I don’t deserve to feel sad about their death, but I should also feel sadder. I keep remembering things and crying and then feel bad for crying.

We had a massive falling out almost a year ago and then again a few months ago. I don’t want to think about the arguments and the anger.

I only want to think of the good times we had. At one point, we spent much time talking, vacationing and hanging out. We knew everything about the other person. We gave advice and offered help to each other. We spent nights talking and falling asleep on his mom’s couch when I didn’t have a place to stay.

He was there to pick up the pieces when I had my first severe panic attack and when I was ready to kill myself. I was there to help him move into his apartment. We were always there for each other, and then we weren’t.

We weren’t as close as we once were, then we were nothing. He was serious about having cancer, and I should have tried harder to fix our relationship. And now he’s gone, and I feel these mixed emotions because I’m still so angry at him, but it feels wrong to be mad at him.

And I don’t have any pictures anymore; I only have our matching tattoos.

We got these tattoos of a spider-Lucas, the spider from a Disney short. We both felt down on our luck. I wasn’t homeless anymore, but I was still depressed, and he struggled to keep up with his bills and other things. We were walking from a store and saw this stray dog, and I burst into tears. Saying no one is going to want me. A stray dog or cat might be adopted someday or saved, but I was like a spider. Who wants a spider? And as I’m saying this, a spider falls on my shoulder. I’m freaking out and crying because obvi a spider is on me. And I’m crying even more because I’ve just proven my point. He talks me down, grabs the spider, and says, “Here, let’s take him home. ” He names the spider Scotty.
The spider immediately fell or jumped out of his hand. On his birthday, we got matching tattoos.

He celebrated his last birthday in the hospital, his last Thanksgiving, and his last Christmas.

He was 26 years old. He was so young.