Posted in Relationships

Jealousy, Jealousy

I have talked a few times about My relationships with people, but the person I talk about the least is my best friend. We don’t even talk that much.

It’s my fault we don’t talk so often. I’m a shitty friend.

I love my best friend; she is a fantastic and beautiful person. Lately, I can’t help but feel jealous of her. Not jealous but envious. I say envious because I don’t feel threatened by her or see her as a rival. Instead, I’m longing for her life.

It sounds so creepy to say it like that, but that’s the truth. I get to watch my best friend prioritize living her best life which is impressive. She decided to make herself the main character of her life. I love that for her. But a few times now, I insulted and belittled her instead of saying things that show her how excited and proud I am. And that wasn’t my intent. I don’t know when I stopped admiring her and became envious. I don’t mean to be envious, but my life sucks.

This has nothing to do with her, and it’s 1000% my insecurities. I know she has hardships, but everyone’s life looks easier or luckier than ours. I know I’m on my way to better things. I’m in school, have a partner, and have a job. Things could be way worse. I should be grateful for what I have and am, but sometimes I can’t help but compare our lives.

“Comparison is the thief of Joy”

Theodore Roosevelt.

But the main thing that upsets me is I don’t know how to continue our relationship. I’m convinced there’s a drift happening between us. We stopped talking for a while because of life, and then I made things weird by being jealous and even being clingy, so I tried to distance myself. If I was her I wouldn’t don’t want to be friends anymore. If she tells me that I would completely respect and agree.

I’m sure my recent actions have made her feel like I don’t support her and possibly even made her feel bad about herself. Which is not something I did on purpose, but it did happen. I need to have an open conversation with her and tell her that I am so happy about what she’s been able to do recently. She made a list of goals for herself, and she’s been able to check off some important things, which is incredible.

Listen before anyone comments saying I’m being selfish or a terrible friend. I already know I need to pull my head out of my ass. I know life doesn’t owe us easy lives. Most people must work hard, and I want to strive for myself. I just want to have my friend in the future. She’s more important than any insecurities.

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