Sorry I’ve been gone a month and came back to say, “Hey guys, I’m depressed.”
February is the smallest month of the year, yet it’s the most stressful.
It always seems like I have so much to do in February. I made it even harder on myself this year by deciding to go to school.
Lately, I have not been in the best mood. It seems like I’m always crying and doubting myself. I had a lot of plans for the blog and my TikTok and couldn’t bring myself to do any of them. I got too overwhelmed.
I started to worry about money, getting a job, getting good grades, keeping up my social life, and having a decent relationship with my boyfriend. I’m carrying a lot of baggage and feel like I’m being weighed down. I’m angry, irritated, and conflicted about everything. Every time I try to speak about things, people invalidate my feelings. And I think it will only get worse before it gets better.
I couldn’t even enjoy my birthday. I had a whole breakdown. Life is the thing happening between all of my meltdowns.
My birthday was a combination of things I’ve been carrying for a while.
My bio dad only messaged me happy birthday while everyone else sent me messages saying they were grateful to me. And I cried again when he decided to Zelle me a few days after as a gift. Not because it was money but because it was just the lack of effort. I don’t know why I expected anything else from him or even wanted it. If you’re going to do something, do it right, or don’t do it at all.
I had a birthday dinner with some friends, and I cried when I realized I’m friends with 90% of them because of my boyfriend. I know it’s not bad, but it just irked me when I got a message saying they were happy I was Hector’s girlfriend. I want to be my own person, not someone’s girlfriend. I don’t want to be friends with someone who only knows me as Hector’s girlfriend.
Speaking of being his girlfriend, that’s all I’m ever going to be. It feels like we aren’t committed to each other. Sometimes it’s like he can’t see a future with me, and I’m tired of trying to make a future for us.
His mom’s birthday is coming up, and I’m not invited to the dinner. It’s family only. And that wouldn’t have affected me so much, but we’ve been together for years. I couldn’t go to family events in the past because I worked on weekends.
I wanted a relationship where I didn’t need a reason to hang out with his family. My family never needed an excuse to see each other if we were in the area, we’d stop by. His family dynamic is different, and I don’t know where I fit in. His mom doesn’t feel comfortable with people stopping by. I get that; sometimes, I want a nice clean house for guests. But I even offered to make her a birthday cake, but that wasn’t possible. They always order their cakes. I don’t feel there’s a spot for me. Everyone says I haven’t been around enough to be a part of the family, but if he won’t start now to bring me around, when will he start?
I need to become independent in my life. Every few years, I get my independence, then immediately turn around, and become dependent on someone. I need to get a car. So I don’t have to depend on him for rides. I could do whatever I wanted if I had a car.
But being independent requires money. I need a job. I need a ride to the job to get one. Isn’t that what they call a catch-22? If it is, my whole life is a catch-22.
How do I let go of these things? The whole being optimistic, speaking peace into the universe, and burning sage hasn’t worked. How can you be happy when life feels like one hurdle after the other?
What are you carrying?