Posted in Health and Wellness

Who’s Ready To Breakdown?

The first month of 2023 is over; I don’t know how I felt about it.

So I don’t know what I did to deserve the shit show that has been my life these past few weeks, but it must have been terrible. It seemed like every time something good would happen, something terrible would happen directly after. Then it just to worse.

My uncle died, and his kids are in the custody of his crazy wife, who shouldn’t be within three feet of them; my job is so ridiculously stupidly stressful that I’m ready to cry. There was a power outage, and I was left sitting in the dark for hours- I work alone at night- there’s still no power. We had a homeless person walk onto the property while I was in the restroom, and of course, that became my fault. How dare I not give myself a uti and hold my bladder for the 8 hours I work? One of the drivers I work with makes me feel uncomfortable; I thought he was gone since I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving. Well, starting today, he is back.

I finally decided to return to school, and now I’m being tested by the universe. How am I supposed to handle school if I’m this stressed now?

Did I make the wrong decision?

I’ve had this nagging feeling I need to get a second job, go to school, start an Only Fans or something. Either make more money or put in the effort to make more money eventually.

And randomly, at two am last week, I found myself setting up an account. Sitting there waiting for an email confirmation, I get scared. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Perhaps I should have thought it through.

I just signed up for the closest community college, and classes start in two weeks. I am not ready.

I’ve been debating the possibility of returning to school since 2019. But I didn’t want to pay nonresident fees between moving states and getting settled. I got caught in a cycle of working, earning a paycheck, and spending that paycheck. I got a new job that distracted me with a 40hr and getting paid above minimum wage. I started to think that I didn’t need school.

But I stopped putting effort into things that mattered. My ice cream business, for example. Yes, it was winter, and some people don’t eat ice cream in the winter, totally fine. But why didn’t I start experimenting with flavors and consistency and trying to make my syrups?

I’m in the beginning stages. I need to take advantage of the people willing to taste test and give them everything I can imagine—jalapeño popper ice cream or pickle ice cream. I would never make those flavors, but I could have. I need to try a crazy, or else I won’t know it works. I need to start promoting myself as an ice cream business vs. just promoting myself as a person.

I’ll stop my rambling and crying now. I’m tired and need to sleep. I need to quit my job. Neither of those is happening tonight.

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