If we’re talking body- my body that is- I hate it.
No, hate is not too strong a word. Ever since I was young, I’ve felt discomfort with my body- I’m not transgender or transexual. I’m just physically and mentally uncomfortable in my body.
I’ll go about my day. I’ll feel fine, then out of nowhere; I feel stress and sick to the stomach mentally, and uncomfortable and uneasy.
Sometimes I feel like I was never meant to exist in the first place.
But lately, I feel really, really uncomfortable in my body. I feel super terrible about my weight. I’m starting to think my sister is right about being fat being my only personality trait. What else do I have going for me?
So I was recently looking at different ways to build confidence, and someone suggested a photo shoot. Now, if you know me, you know terrible at taking pictures. Not just like being behind the camera but in front of it too. Anything with the camera-count me out!! That’s one of the reasons why I really stopped doing YouTube and why I haven’t posted on my Instagram in like six months.
I definitely want to feel comfortable in my body again. I like to eat with no shame, but I lack self-control. When I am very emotional because I don’t want to burden anyone, I’ll eat rather than discuss my feelings. With that said, I don’t know what to do with my life. My family has a history of bad health, and I’m over here not taking care of my body, which makes my health risk even higher.
I don’t drink enough water or eat healthy enough. Let’s not get me started on working out. I had to cancel my personal training. This sucks because I finally got rid of the misconception was you only exercised to lose weight. I’d start a gym membership or look some wild “how to lose 30lbs in 30 seconds” on Pinterest. Then, beat myself up when it would fail. Now, I equate exercise with movement and movement with feeling good in my skin. Exercise isn’t just for my physical health but also for my mental health. My body & brain haven’t been feeling the best lately since I can’t afford to go to the gym. Working out at home is not the same.
I’m trying to exercise at home but not having someone guide me and motivate me is one of the many reasons I failed to keep off the weight before. I am going to try to believe in myself and accept that its going to be different but not bad. Tomorrow starts a new physical journey, using exercise and food to feel better.
I’m always going to hate my body. So I’m not calling this a self-love journey; I’m starting more like a self-tolerant journey.
Anyway, here’s a picture dump of all the pictures I was too scared to post on insta.
Also, it didn’t help I got asked if I was pregnant a lot since I started posting on my Instagram.