July 30th is friendship day.
I know this because Snapchat decided to tell me, and my ex-best friend decided to message me after a year of not talking.
It hurts to talk about this because we have history. I think I’ve discussed enough detail how shitty my life was the last few months I lived in Nevada. I’m tired of talking about and constantly hurting my feelings over the past. That said, my past has returned to bite me on the ass.
The person who was with me during that time was my rock. He could do no wrong. We have matching tattoos. We once laughed together, smiled together, went shopping together, and did almost everything together, but now we are strangers. Let’s call him Maddie.
Long story short, when we met, I was at the lowest in my life. I was having a rough time with my boyfriend. I ended up being homeless and making life-altering shitty decisions, which led to me moving to California to make even more bad decisions.
Now Maddie witnessed all of this drama and was absolutely supportive and helped me when he could. He was the only person I felt I could trust for a long time. When I moved to California, I had some family but no one I was close with. I felt alone and isolated, and depressed.
I started working a job I hated, but I’m so thankful for that job because it led me to one of my closest friends. You’d think Maddie would be happy I made a friend considering he encouraged me to go out and experience life. Saying things like, “California is a fresh start for you.” Except he was everything but pleased that I made a friend and got a job so quickly.
I ignored many signs pointing towards how toxic this friendship was. We went on vacations, or I’d visit him in las vegas, and the second I returned home, Maddie would find ways to make me feel bad and like I owed him.
The first time I saw a problem with our friendship was when we went to Arizona to watch the Giants vs. the Diamondbacks. His bank froze his cards for whatever reason. I ended up paying for pretty much everything except the Airbnb, the tickets, everything already prepaid.
Yet he commented on how I was ungrateful because I wanted to buy cheap ubers and not go out to bars to pick up a tab. I tried to explain. I couldn’t afford to spend a lot of money. I had bills and other things I still needed to pay for. I budgeted the trip with us both, paying equal parts. It wasn’t my fault his cards were frozen.
When I returned home, I started to see how little he respects me and my boundaries. If he needed someone to talk to, he expected me to answer no matter what time of day. If I were working or asleep and didn’t answer, it would lead to arguments and voicemails.
I would always try to answer him and be there for him. I didn’t realize while I was there for him, Maddie was keeping me isolated.
I would tell him about dates and people I was getting close to, and he would start saying mean things without even knowing them. When that wasn’t enough, and I’d tell him about someone, he’d respond with, “they probably think this about you….” it was never a compliment. As if my anxiety didn’t already tell me they thought I was the stupidest person alive.
He casually asked me how old my aborted child would have been in front of my boyfriend. He brought up other things from my past that were traumatic, hoping to see if I had told my boyfriend about these things yet. Our relationship was barely starting, and I had to explain stuff I couldn’t even form into words properly without breaking down. His excuse was always the same, “Oh, I was trying to help you guys be open and honest. cuz I know you’d never tell him this.”
I was actually forcing myself not to tell him things. I learned my lesson with the guy I dated before Hector. I said many deeply personal things too early in the relationship. After a toxic relationship, I thought it was healthy to be open and honest all at once- WRONG!!!! The poor guy couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to scare Hector the same way.
The reason we stopped talking a year ago is that I finally realized he was a trash friend. After having a horrible argument with my boyfriend, I turned to Maddie for advice. In turn he told me I deserved to get gang-raped. That was the only way I would realize that I was a mess up and was sabotaging my relationship. I even told him last year if he just apologized, I would have forgiven him for what he said, and he never did.
But now he has prostate cancer, and I’m supposed to forgive him for giving me “tough love.” Because having cancer means I’m now the asshole. He asked me why we stopped talking. I told him what happened he remembers it differently. I mean, of course, he does. Then said, and I quote, “You’re the scum of the earth for bringing up old arguments with a man on his death bed.”
He then went on to ask me if I was only friends with him because I had a crush on him. He wouldn’t accept my no for an answer—that wasn’t even the worst of it.
The conversation ended when I got the message.
“Eryn, just because you hate yourself doesn’t mean I hate you too. you deserve to have a good friend.” If that’s not shitty enough, he continued, “Sounds like your friends now don’t respect you. You could use someone who actually understands you, and I’m just guessing they don’t. I said what I had to say to get a conversation out of you. Let’s be honest you like when people say rude shit to you anyway. cuz you like to be degraded then praised.”
He won. It’s five am, and I’m still mad, and I’ve written an entire 1000 words about him. he got what he wanted.
I’m glad I wrote this because I have nothing to say to him specifically, and I just needed to vent about it. I think I am finally ready to close that chapter of my life, knowing I’ll have no regrets about it.