Category: Body & Being

Mental wellness, self-kindness, routines, rest, and navigating life gently

Posted in Body & Being

Who’s Ready To Breakdown?

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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The first month of 2023 is over; I don’t know how I felt about it.

So I don’t know what I did to deserve the shit show that has been my life these past few weeks, but it must have been terrible. It seemed like every time something good would happen, something terrible would happen directly after. Then it just to worse.

My uncle died, and his kids are in the custody of his crazy wife, who shouldn’t be within three feet of them; my job is so ridiculously stupidly stressful that I’m ready to cry. There was a power outage, and I was left sitting in the dark for hours- I work alone at night- there’s still no power. We had a homeless person walk onto the property while I was in the restroom, and of course, that became my fault. How dare I not give myself a uti and hold my bladder for the 8 hours I work? One of the drivers I work with makes me feel uncomfortable; I thought he was gone since I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving. Well, starting today, he is back.

I finally decided to return to school, and now I’m being tested by the universe. How am I supposed to handle school if I’m this stressed now?

Did I make the wrong decision?

I’ve had this nagging feeling I need to get a second job, go to school, start an Only Fans or something. Either make more money or put in the effort to make more money eventually.

And randomly, at two am last week, I found myself setting up an account. Sitting there waiting for an email confirmation, I get scared. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Perhaps I should have thought it through.

I just signed up for the closest community college, and classes start in two weeks. I am not ready.

I’ve been debating the possibility of returning to school since 2019. But I didn’t want to pay nonresident fees between moving states and getting settled. I got caught in a cycle of working, earning a paycheck, and spending that paycheck. I got a new job that distracted me with a 40hr and getting paid above minimum wage. I started to think that I didn’t need school.

But I stopped putting effort into things that mattered. My ice cream business, for example. Yes, it was winter, and some people don’t eat ice cream in the winter, totally fine. But why didn’t I start experimenting with flavors and consistency and trying to make my syrups?

I’m in the beginning stages. I need to take advantage of the people willing to taste test and give them everything I can imagine—jalapeño popper ice cream or pickle ice cream. I would never make those flavors, but I could have. I need to try a crazy, or else I won’t know it works. I need to start promoting myself as an ice cream business vs. just promoting myself as a person.

I’ll stop my rambling and crying now. I’m tired and need to sleep. I need to quit my job. Neither of those is happening tonight.

Posted in Body & Being

Working On My Fitness

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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After not being in a gym for an entire year, I finally restarted my membership and went to the gym. I hated it.

My old warm-up felt like an intense workout. I thought I was pushing myself too hard, too fast, but in reality, I wasn’t. My body has become used to little to no movement. My old warm-up wasn’t anything crazy either; it was basic cardio. I’d run on the treadmill or use the StairMaster for fifteen to twenty minutes. I’ve been dreading the stair master for a while because I fell and hurt my ankle, another reason I haven’t been working out.

Recently, I’ve become one of those people who can only work out in the gym. When I’m home, I feel like I have many more important things to do than work out. So not having a gym membership and not having the motivation to work out on my own at home has been hard for me.

The crazy thing is I used to have the motivation to work out at home. I would do yoga, follow along to a Chloe Ting video in my room, skate and run through my neighborhood. I used to have confidence in myself.

It seems like more and more I relate to my teenage self than an adult. I say this because it feels like my confidence and self-motivation are related to my self-worth. Unfortunately, my self-worth appertains to my appearance.

A lot of scientific research shows that being overweight causes an increase in major depression, bipolar disorder, and panic disorders. Of course, those mean nothing to me.

I’ve had these struggles with motivation and confidence before with activities like writing or Vlogging. I decided to do both of those activities only when I felt motivated. And now I don’t do them as often as I would like. I’m trying to grow my confidence in myself by working on myself.

So I’ve decided to treat exercise differently. Exercise differs from writing and Vlogging in one fundamental way: the degree of necessity. I try to force myself to find my motivation after a workout. Mostly exercises where I’m entirely disgusting, I mean feeling so out of breath and sweaty. I feel much better. I haven’t done enough of those exercises in a minute, so I will keep working on it until I do.

My favorite type of workout was Skating; it makes your butt look big and your legs get toned. The last time I tried skating, I had to take a 5-minute break every 10 minutes due to my legs shaking and feeling completely uneven. I want to start back skating, but I need to find my center of gravity again.

I know I will not be as good as last time, but my perfectionist’s brain tells me otherwise.

One of my best friends calls me a badass. I need to start believing it.

I’m a “I look cute at the gym in my matching sports bra and leggings” girlie. It feels weird wearing that when I’m bigger.
Posted in Body & Being

Future Female Fitness influencer?

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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We all know I’m not an active person. I’m not in shape; I’m just a shape. For those who don’t know me, I look like the kid from Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory.

So when my boyfriend reminds me of Tough Mudder, let’s say I’m less than enthusiastic.

Tough Mudder, the classic version, is a 15k obstacle course event. You run in the hills and perform obstacles straight out of American Ninja Warrior. You don’t have to run it because there’s no timer or competition, but if you don’t run it, then it takes forever.

My boyfriend and his friends do this annually for fun! They also do smaller events in between, and it’s always long and hot. Last year was so hot by the time they got to the obstacles there wasn’t even mud. It was just dirt.

Last year!

I’m not an outdoorsy person; I have never been. I’m a cuddle-up with a good book and take naps.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s incredible to watch if I wasn’t watching it for hours and hours. I honestly get burnt out on that spectator trail. I’ve personally never participated yet. I will be joining next year. I agreed to do it next year since I’d probably be there anyway.

I’d rather participate than walk the spectator route again. We did a terrain race last November, and it wasn’t terrible. It was also only three miles, and the obstacles I did were small.

So this will be a challenge, and I’m going to have to start working out. But luckily for me, the group has agreed to participate in the December event instead of their usual April to give me more time to prepare.

This year we did face paint for the team.
Posted in Body & Being

Talking Body

Posted on by Eryn 🐰
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If we’re talking body- my body that is- I hate it.

No, hate is not too strong a word. Ever since I was young, I’ve felt discomfort with my body- I’m not transgender or transexual. I’m just physically and mentally uncomfortable in my body.

I’ll go about my day. I’ll feel fine, then out of nowhere; I feel stress and sick to the stomach mentally, and uncomfortable and uneasy.

Sometimes I feel like I was never meant to exist in the first place.

But lately, I feel really, really uncomfortable in my body. I feel super terrible about my weight. I’m starting to think my sister is right about being fat being my only personality trait. What else do I have going for me?

So I was recently looking at different ways to build confidence, and someone suggested a photo shoot. Now, if you know me, you know terrible at taking pictures. Not just like being behind the camera but in front of it too. Anything with the camera-count me out!! That’s one of the reasons why I really stopped doing YouTube and why I haven’t posted on my Instagram in like six months.

I definitely want to feel comfortable in my body again. I like to eat with no shame, but I lack self-control. When I am very emotional because I don’t want to burden anyone, I’ll eat rather than discuss my feelings. With that said, I don’t know what to do with my life. My family has a history of bad health, and I’m over here not taking care of my body, which makes my health risk even higher.

I don’t drink enough water or eat healthy enough. Let’s not get me started on working out. I had to cancel my personal training. This sucks because I finally got rid of the misconception was you only exercised to lose weight. I’d start a gym membership or look some wild “how to lose 30lbs in 30 seconds” on Pinterest. Then, beat myself up when it would fail. Now, I equate exercise with movement and movement with feeling good in my skin. Exercise isn’t just for my physical health but also for my mental health. My body & brain haven’t been feeling the best lately since I can’t afford to go to the gym. Working out at home is not the same.

I’m trying to exercise at home but not having someone guide me and motivate me is one of the many reasons I failed to keep off the weight before. I am going to try to believe in myself and accept that its going to be different but not bad. Tomorrow starts a new physical journey, using exercise and food to feel better.

I’m always going to hate my body. So I’m not calling this a self-love journey; I’m starting more like a self-tolerant journey.

Anyway, here’s a picture dump of all the pictures I was too scared to post on insta.

Also, it didn’t help I got asked if I was pregnant a lot since I started posting on my Instagram.

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