After not being in a gym for an entire year, I finally restarted my membership and went to the gym. I hated it.
My old warm-up felt like an intense workout. I thought I was pushing myself too hard, too fast, but in reality, I wasn’t. My body has become used to little to no movement. My old warm-up wasn’t anything crazy either; it was basic cardio. I’d run on the treadmill or use the StairMaster for fifteen to twenty minutes. I’ve been dreading the stair master for a while because I fell and hurt my ankle, another reason I haven’t been working out.
Recently, I’ve become one of those people who can only work out in the gym. When I’m home, I feel like I have many more important things to do than work out. So not having a gym membership and not having the motivation to work out on my own at home has been hard for me.
The crazy thing is I used to have the motivation to work out at home. I would do yoga, follow along to a Chloe Ting video in my room, skate and run through my neighborhood. I used to have confidence in myself.
It seems like more and more I relate to my teenage self than an adult. I say this because it feels like my confidence and self-motivation are related to my self-worth. Unfortunately, my self-worth appertains to my appearance.
A lot of scientific research shows that being overweight causes an increase in major depression, bipolar disorder, and panic disorders. Of course, those mean nothing to me.
I’ve had these struggles with motivation and confidence before with activities like writing or Vlogging. I decided to do both of those activities only when I felt motivated. And now I don’t do them as often as I would like. I’m trying to grow my confidence in myself by working on myself.
So I’ve decided to treat exercise differently. Exercise differs from writing and Vlogging in one fundamental way: the degree of necessity. I try to force myself to find my motivation after a workout. Mostly exercises where I’m entirely disgusting, I mean feeling so out of breath and sweaty. I feel much better. I haven’t done enough of those exercises in a minute, so I will keep working on it until I do.
My favorite type of workout was Skating; it makes your butt look big and your legs get toned. The last time I tried skating, I had to take a 5-minute break every 10 minutes due to my legs shaking and feeling completely uneven. I want to start back skating, but I need to find my center of gravity again.
I know I will not be as good as last time, but my perfectionist’s brain tells me otherwise.
One of my best friends calls me a badass. I need to start believing it.
