The fact I understand my emotions and why I’m feeling them makes me the most frustrated. Most of the time, when I’m upset, I’m angry and disappointed and blame myself for what happened.
I’m trying to let go of my anger and resentment. I didn’t know I was carrying this anger until I had a few bible studies. I’m so angry at myself, my parents, and life. And having all of this emotional baggage is affecting my mental health.
Im angry after learning most of the classes I took in Sacramento were repeating courses of the ones I took in Long Beach the first time I went to school. I am angry that my stepmom, “who knew so much more than me,” picked my classes. I am angry I let her pick my classes. I am mad about moving to Sacramento in the first place.
Angry that I constantly give up when things get complicated. And I let myself not do something like study, fill out necessary forms, work out, or put effort into my blog or business—one wrong decision after the other. And I don’t hold myself accountable. I allow myself to be lazy because it’s easier than trying.
Angry that I constantly allow evil thoughts to win. I’m too old for school, stupid, and untrainable.
I am angry that all of these things happened because I allowed my dad and his wife put a lot of doubt in me. I let them control my life and treat me like a child instead of an adult.
I never got an apology, but I only got excuses from my dad. All my dad is good for is excuses for not being around when I was a kid, for not standing up for me when I lived with him, and for cheating on my mom.
Angry that I keep acting like a victim.
Angry, I don’t know how to fully erase them from my life without looking like the bad guy.
How do I let it go? How do I surrender this anger to god, the universe, or whatever you call it?
I think admitting that there was something more behind my depression has helped. There are many things I’m angry about that are happening now too. But these are the things I’ve been carrying with me for a few years now. These are the things I need to acknowledge before I can work on my present or my future; I need to forgive my past.