Tag: pregnancy

There’s a discussion happening on TikTok—or maybe it’s already been happening, and I’m just finally noticing it because I’m pregnant—but apparently being pregnant, or even wanting to be pregnant, is selfish.

There are so many comments saying, “You should have adopted,” or “You should have been a foster parent,” or that people are just trying to fill some part of themselves by giving a child something they never got. Then there’s the whole argument that the world is shit, politics are shit, and this child isn’t going to have anything anyway.

And my genuine question is: At what point in history was it actually a good time to have children?

Genuinely asking.

Because there’s never been a point in human history where the world was perfect. There has always been war, poverty, political instability, disease, economic problems, and people convinced that the world was going to hell. Somehow, people still fell in love, got married, had children, built families, and kept going.

Then there’s the other side of the discussion where apparently you’re selfish because the child “didn’t ask to be born.” That you’re having a child for your legacy. That you’re having a child because you want someone to love you unconditionally. That you’re trying to recreate your childhood or give a child everything you never had.

And maybe some people do have children for those reasons. But that doesn’t mean everyone does.

Not every person who has a baby sat down and thought, “How can I selfishly fulfill my emotional needs?” Sometimes people genuinely want to raise children. Sometimes they want a family. Sometimes they just love the idea of being a parent. And yes, sometimes pregnancies are accidents. Not every child is the result of some perfectly calculated five-year plan.

And honestly, a lot of this feels like another form of misogyny to me because somehow the blame always lands on the woman.

The woman is selfish for getting pregnant.
The woman is selfish for wanting children.
The woman is selfish for having another child.
The woman is selfish for not adopting instead.

But where is the same energy for the dad?

Because somehow pregnancy is treated like this moral decision that women are solely responsible for making, even though it generally takes two people to create a baby.

And God forbid you want more than one child. Then apparently you and your partner are selfish because you’re bringing another person into the world, and never mind what the actual family wants. According to these people, having another child is somehow inherently taking something away from the children you already have.

I also don’t think people understand how difficult adoption and fostering actually are.

My family has adopted and fostered, so this isn’t something I’m saying from ignorance. These processes can take years. There are home studies, paperwork, background checks, training, court processes, waiting periods, and so many other things involved. You cannot just walk into an agency and say, “I don’t want to have a biological child, give me one.”

And adoption and fostering aren’t supposed to be alternatives you choose because you want a baby. They’re about providing a home for children who already exist and need one.

I actually do want to foster and potentially adopt in the future. It’s something Hector and I have talked about doing once we’re settled, have a home, and are in a position where we can genuinely provide for multiple children. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have my own biological child.

And the part that really gets me is seeing people who call themselves feminists and pro-choice making these arguments.

Because what happened to choice?

You don’t have to want children. You don’t have to have children. You don’t have to understand why someone else wants children. But if someone makes the choice to become a parent, why are we suddenly treating that choice as morally wrong?

It also feels like we’re becoming a society that increasingly just hates children.

There’s no community anymore. There’s no village.

When I was growing up, my siblings and I played with the kids in the neighborhood. And if we did something wrong, our neighbors knew my mom. They could tell us to go home. They could tell my mom what happened. There was this understanding that the adults in the community were all responsible for looking out for the kids.

Now it feels like people want to be part of your life right up until you become pregnant.

I had a friend who wanted to reconnect with me, but after I got pregnant, she basically told me we couldn’t meet up anymore because she wanted to go to bars and drink.

And I told her, you can drink. I just won’t.

I can still go to dinner. I can still hang out. I can still have conversations. I can still be your friend. I’m just pregnant.

I’ve had people tell me my life is over.

I’ve had people act like becoming a mother means I’m no longer going to be a person.

And honestly, I think that’s what bothers me the most about this entire conversation.

You can choose not to have children. You can think having children is selfish. You can decide that parenthood isn’t for you.

But maybe we could stop treating people who genuinely want to be parents like they’ve committed some moral offense by bringing another human being into the world.

Because I’m pregnant.

And my life isn’t over.

It’s just changing.