Hello and welcome to Maybe Eryn Is the Worst Mom Out There, where I question my abilities as a mother while trying to keep a tiny human alive.
We got to see the doctor yesterday, and baby girl is officially ONE MONTH OLD!!! Woohoo! We made it through our first month without any major issues, aside from plenty of crying. So, you know, milestones! We’re officially one month into this whole parenting thing, and I’m still very much figuring it out as I go.
We’re still kind of breastfeeding, but every day is a battle. I’m happy that she’s starting to drink from the boob more than the bottle because that’s what I wanted, but also, FUCK! I would like to have my body to myself for five minutes. Apparently, I wanted to breastfeed, but I didn’t fully comprehend what that meant for my daily life.
Staying home 24/7 is killing me. We’ve left the house a few times, so it’s not like I’ve been locked inside this entire time, but I’m bored, tired, and still not completely settled in. And I will say this forever: it’s not my home. I’m trying to adjust to living here, taking care of a newborn, and figuring out my new life all at once, and I don’t think I’ve quite found my footing yet.
I’m also looking at jobs, because apparently I don’t have enough going on already.
I’m starting to understand why some women begin to resent their partners after having a baby. For me, it’s the little things. I don’t get to shower every day. I don’t get to brush my hair every day. I barely get to eat a full meal without having to stop and take care of the baby. Meanwhile, my husband can shower, eat, and go about his day without having to plan everything around a newborn.
I can’t even drive right now because I’m recovering from my C-section. I can’t just leave the house to hang out with friends or have a little time to myself without having to figure out what to do with the baby. And while I love my daughter, I miss being able to do basic things without them turning into an entire production.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about the baby!
First, she has cradle cap. I’ve seen people say that breast milk and Aquaphor can help get rid of it. Is that actually true, or is this another one of those things the internet swears by? I’m genuinely curious because I would love to know what works.
Then she pooped blood after straining, and she had diarrhea after we changed her formula. All of this happened within the last week. ONE WEEK. Apparently, motherhood comes with a new thing to worry about every other day, and I am exhausted.
I’m tired 24/7. And you’d think that living in a house full of people would mean I’d somehow manage to get more done. Surely I could clean our room! Surely I could do our laundry! There are other adults in this house, and yet somehow I’m still struggling to get basic things done.
Nope. I have a Velcro baby.
She’s gotten to the point where she wants to be held constantly, and while I love holding her, I would also love to accomplish something without having to put everything on pause. Our room needs cleaning. Our laundry needs doing. I need to feel like a functioning adult again.
I’m thinking about trying babywearing to see if that helps me get some things done. Maybe I can finally organize our room or tackle the laundry while she’s strapped to me. Or maybe I’ll put on the carrier, get absolutely nothing done, and spend the entire time staring at her because she’s cute.
Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past myself.
And can we talk about how much I hate all the baby books I’ve read? Because I feel like I tried to prepare myself for motherhood, and now that I’m actually here, I’m still Googling everything and questioning whether I’m doing anything right.
The books can tell me about milestones, feeding schedules, and sleep patterns, but they don’t really prepare you for what it’s like to be home all day with a baby when you’re still recovering from major surgery, you’re exhausted, you barely have time for yourself, and you’re trying to figure out how to fit your own needs into this new life.
I’m happy she’s breastfeeding more because that’s what I wanted, but now I’m also trying to figure out how to get anything done when she wants to be attached to me. I’m trying to adjust to living somewhere that doesn’t feel like home yet. I’m looking at jobs. I’m trying to keep up with household responsibilities. And I’m doing all of this while running on what feels like approximately three minutes of sleep.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I’m doing a good job or if I’m somehow the worst mom out there.
I love my daughter more than anything, but motherhood is HARD. And I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be good moms that we forget we’re allowed to struggle with the adjustment, too.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now. One month into motherhood, still breastfeeding, still exhausted, still trying to get settled, and still wondering how other moms manage to do literally anything besides take care of their babies.
So, fellow moms, please tell me: Does it get easier? Does babywearing actually help? And when do you start feeling like a person again instead of just a milk machine with a never-ending to-do list?
Because I love my baby, but I’d also really like to take a shower and finish a load of laundry.
Is that too much to ask?
