If your pet could talk, what would be the first thing it says?
I’ve realized I was completely wrong about my mom’s dog.
Previously, I compared Sharkie to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. I take it back.
This dog is Courage the Cowardly Dog, and my parents are absolutely Eustace and Muriel.
Sharkie doesn’t even seem to see himself as a dog. He seems to believe he is a very anxious little person who has been unfairly assigned to live in a house with two humans who occasionally have the audacity to leave him alone.
And now, in my head, he sounds exactly like Courage.
“THEY’RE LEAVING! THEY’RE LEAVING AGAIN! WHAT IF THEY NEVER COME BACK?!”
Meanwhile, my mom is probably somewhere saying, “We’ll be right back, Sharkie,” while Sharkie is staring at her through the window like she has personally betrayed him.
My dad could probably walk outside to get the mail and Sharkie would act like he has been abandoned in the middle of nowhere.
And the funniest part is that he is not actually this helpless little creature. He is a perfectly capable dog. He has food. He has water. He has a house. He has two people who adore him.
He just has opinions.
Strong, anxious, deeply offended opinions.
He also has the energy of a dog who has seen things.
Every unfamiliar noise is suspicious. Every person who walks past the house is a potential threat. Every time my parents leave, apparently, the world is ending.
I genuinely wish dogs could talk, because I would love to know what Sharkie thinks is happening in his head all day.
Although, now that I’ve decided he is Courage, I already know.
“THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED!”
“THAT MAN LOOKED AT THE HOUSE!”
“WHY DID MOM GO INTO THE OTHER ROOM?”
“DAD HAS LEFT THE HOUSE! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”
And my parents?
Eustace and Muriel.
I can’t unsee it now.
