Tag: personal relationships

Hey guys! You’re probably wondering where I’ve disappeared to. Even though I often take extended breaks from posting, I always try to share something for Spooktober, and with Halloween tomorrow, this is my first post. 

After the Hozier concert in September, my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m currently failing two classes, and my boyfriend and I have decided to get married and not get married within days of each other. On top of that, my car door isn’t working, which has left me trapped in and out of my car due to this issue. I’ve also been experiencing some medical problems, but for some reason, I haven’t gone to the hospital yet. I know why I haven’t gone. It’s happening because of one of three reasons. Reason 1 is I’m stressed, 2 is overweight, or 3 is both. I don’t feel like paying a doctor to be told there might not be a problem when there is one, but Kaiser doesn’t care enough to find it.

Let me backtrack a bit. I had a heart-to-heart with my boyfriend about marriage, and while I had everything meticulously planned, he seemed disinterested and weary of the topic. Everything was falling into place—we were all set for a beautiful ceremony next year—until a recent argument cast a shadow of uncertainty over our wedding. It almost feels like the idea of marriage was a ploy to silence my persistent planning.

And it doesn’t help that this morning in my English class, my teacher discussed societal problems for our research papers. She showed us how to use ChatGPT to create more specific essay topics from broad subjects. One of her examples was social issues in modern marriages, focusing on long-term commitment issues and divorce rates. As someone who just got engaged, those issues hit hard and made me feel apprehensive, leading me to question whether we should even get married. I brought this up with him, and instead of reassuring me that marriage was a good idea, he suggested that we should wait. That response didn’t help me feel any better.

So, how does my unease about marriage lead to a heated argument? Remember how I’ve mentioned feeling confined in and out of my car? Today was one of those days. I couldn’t get the car door open. What started as a day of punctuality turned into a 20-minute delay because I couldn’t get into my car at all. My brother tried to help, but to no avail. I asked Hector when he planned to fix it, and he said he was waiting for me to buy the part. Last week, I spent money on tattoos for both of us. If I had known I needed to buy a part, I would have spent my money on that instead. I felt upset that he was placing the blame on me.

It turned into a “he said, she said” argument, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. When I initially gave Hector my car to fix, instead of resolving the issue, he ended up removing the part that was keeping the car door together in the first place. It felt like a betrayal of trust. 

I’m feeling really sad right now. I keep wondering if we’re still together and whether we’ll get married. I’ve thought about dropping out of school and just staying in bed forever. Honestly, I wish I had a strong drink right now because I’d rather be drunk than feel this way.

Hey! I’m feeling a bit nervous about this post as I haven’t written like this in a while. It might affect my relationship, but I really need to express myself.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” This is a quote from Stephen Chbosky’s book “The Perks of Being a Wallflower.”

This quote has been on my mind for some time now. I often reflect on it, especially when it comes to my current partner and my past relationships. Looking back, I realize I’ve allowed myself to be treated poorly by my exes because I didn’t think I deserved any better.

One of my exes was particularly critical of my hobby of photography. He told me that I took too many photos and videos and that it was annoying. At the time, I had two Canon cameras that I loved using. But because of his criticism, I stopped taking pictures altogether, lost my passion for photography, and got rid of my cameras.

Another ex of mine criticized my baking skills. They told me that my desserts were never good enough and that I should find a new hobby. Since then, I’ve had difficulty feeling confident in my baking, and nothing I make ever looks good enough.

A few years ago, my current partner expressed that I was too clingy and needed to find some hobbies. In response, I’ve decided to become a book and crochet enthusiast. Although I genuinely enjoyed reading and had previously crocheted with my mom, I found it challenging to juggle school, work, hobbies, and a relationship at the same time. Nonetheless, I was determined to become a book girlie and to find a balance between everything in my life.

I understand that my partner has responsibilities and interests, and I don’t want to come off as clingy. However, I feel there’s a difference between wanting to spend time with him and being overly attached. Unfortunately, my partner sometimes forgets that I feel isolated out here. Even though I have friends I love, my family lives in Las Vegas, and I’m practically alone here. I want to spend time with my partner without feeling like a burden on him. We’ve been together for a few years, and as time passes, I’m becoming increasingly eager to get married. I’ve dropped hints, my mother has dropped hints, and even his family has dropped hints. If he isn’t ready to settle down, the lack of action on his part speaks volumes. On the other hand, if he is ready to settle down but just not with me, I can accept that, but I need him to be honest with me. I know that my struggle with depression and my struggle with keeping a clean home has been a problem mentioned before, and that’s understandable.

I sometimes feel bitter about not being married or engaged yet. I have been in a relationship with my partner for most of my twenties, and I’d like to know how long I should wait for him to take the next step. However, what upset me was when he suggested I only wanted to get married because my friend Jasmine recently got engaged. That’s not the case at all.

I feel like I’m begging to be loved. It’s making me feel pathetic and weak. I understand my partner has many priorities, but it’s disheartening to realize I’m not even in his top five. He might argue that driving me around shows how much of a priority I am, but running errands is different than prioritizing our relationship. I know my lack of a car is causing some issues between us, but it’s only a temporary problem.

During my birthday trip, I had a conversation with my partner about marriage. He said that he wanted to get married but wanted to organize his life before making any hard decisions. I respected his decision, but he became defensive when I asked about his plan to get his life together. I work full-time and attend school, while he has only worked part-time for the past few years. It was only after I broke down crying about the financial responsibility that he decided to get a full-time job. He says marriage is different and doesn’t want to disappoint me, which I found confusing. It was like saying, couldn’t he disappoint me while we were dating? We can tell from my self-explanatory post he can.

Although I want to get married, I don’t believe it is a magical solution to our problems. I am aware that the divorce rate is high, and being a child of divorce, I know that it’s not a decision to be taken lightly.

Currently, I find myself reevaluating my relationship and feeling terrible about it. It’s time for me to take control of my life and stop letting my commitment issues rule it. Although my partner is an amazing person, I need to ensure that this relationship is genuinely what I want before proceeding further. I understand that I may try to convince myself that I’m overthinking and overreacting in a few days, but I won’t fall into that trap again. I deserve happiness, and it’s time to fight for it without jeopardizing a good thing. Because even if we don’t stay together, I will want this person in my life.

I know some people might accuse me of being overdramatic and taking advantage of Hector, but for the most part, our relationship is great. However, we spend around 40% of our time either not talking or arguing. Currently, we’re not talking because I brought up an ongoing argument that we never resolved. Hector won’t speak to me because he doesn’t think there’s a problem, and even if I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, he won’t respond. We won’t talk until I apologize or restart the conversation because I know he won’t. It’s always like this: I have to apologize even if I’m not in the wrong.

The reason why he won’t talk is because of a communication behavior called Stonewalling. It’s a fancy term that refers to shutting down during a conflict. I know that this is an expected behavior, but I dislike it. Stonewalling is a form of self-defensive communication that is mainly observed in men. The idea is that if they don’t say anything, they can’t make the situation worse. However, this behavior actually makes things worse because it involves refusing to communicate and withdrawing from the conversation. It makes me feel like the other person doesn’t value me enough to even engage in a conversation.

It’s time to realize that I deserve to be treated with love and respect in my relationships. I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than what I’m worth. I am capable of pursuing my passions and living my best life, and I won’t let anyone else hold me back.

Do people really have healthy normal families, or is that just another Hollywood lie?

I ask because I have been to Northern California twice in the last week, and there has been family drama each time.

The first time I visited my grandfather. The trip I just got back from was to attend my grandmother’s funeral.

It feels so weird and wrong to say that. She wasn’t my grandmother. I mean, she was the woman who was genetically and legally my grandmother. She was the mother of the man who is genetically and legally my father.

But she wasn’t my grandmother. I didn’t know her. I’ve heard many stories of her and have met her a few times.

My cousins and younger siblings have fond memories of her, and I have nothing. She never baked me cookies or read me stories. She never attended a violin recital or a school play. She chose not to know me.

The family thought I’d want to engage in the ceremony because I was the one who didn’t get to see her as often. They thought wrong. I couldn’t refuse. But I felt like a liar—an outsider looking in.

I’m glad it was a preassigned reading. I’m glad I didn’t have to say anything because it wouldn’t be as genuine as others. I don’t think standing up there only to say she was a lovely woman would have tasted right in my mouth.

As terrible as it is to say I didn’t go to mourn her. I went to support my grandfather. He needed all the support he could get. They may have been divorced for over 30 years, but they were friends in their way. My grandparents would have been companions if she was never sick with dementia. Never remarried, but they would have lived together and traveled together.

I went to play peacekeeper. I promised my grandfather I would help to the best of my ability that no arguments would happen. But there was still drama, mainly from my aunt. I tried to excuse her behavior and say it was because she was pregnant and grieving her mother. It turns out she’s just a bitch. Who causes a scene at their mother’s funeral?

I did learn the best way to deal with the adults of my family is to stay high or drunk. I say the adults, but I mean my dad and his siblings. It’s also better to deal with them as individuals instead of having the five of them together.

I did get reacquainted with my cousins, who are all around my age. My uncles and aunt may all be pieces of work, but their children are amazing. These women are the support system I never had. I genuinely didn’t know how to react to their support and positivity.

I never knew my father’s side to be loving except my grandfather and an aunt through marriage.

The summer is flying by! I can’t believe August is almost over! Summer always feels like it’s over before it even starts. It seems weird to even suggest that summer is nearly gone this year because I feel like I haven’t been able to really relish it yet with any lazy days.

This week I finally had a few days off and was able to relax and forget about life. Which sounds terrible, but I needed a break from my life. Lately, my job has been stressful, and so has my relationship.

After all this time, I still have so many doubts. I keep stressing over the what-ifs.

What if I’m forcing my relationship?

What if I still can’t recognize unhealthy behavior?

What if I’m not what he wants?

Except for my what-ifs aren’t unwarranted.

I’m overthinking and expecting the worst. When we first started dating, I assumed Hector was too nice and too good for me. I know there was a time when I was scared, pushed him away, and self-sabotaged my relationship before it started. Thinking he was better off dating someone nice, not someone jaded and bitter like me. Thinking I was too damaged to date.

Now things are different. I think I’m trying my best to be a great girlfriend. At times it feels like I’m still failing at this whole dating thing. I’m patient with him on some things since this has been his longest relationship. And he’s patient with me. I’m hoping we can understand each other better. Nowadays, people don’t seem to let each other close to having a more in-depth conversation.

And this has me thinking maybe this is all wrong. Perhaps I’m forcing us to move too fast. We don’t have in-depth conversations anymore. We see each other a lot, and we talk a lot. It’s a lot happening, but it feels kinda fake.

I’m starting to think we need to slow everything down. I feel like I forgot to ask essential questions because when we see each other every day, there isn’t time to think about what’s happening.

I know I keep saying that we see each other, but it’s not quality time. It’s him picking me up from work or driving me wherever. It is tiring being around each other, or at least that’s how he feels. And he has a right to feel that way.

He doesn’t ask for much, and I know I do. I’m a high-maintenance person who acts like they aren’t high-maintenance. I’m trying not to ask him to spend so much time with me. I started to accept spending time together when he would pick me up from work. Yet that became a problem because he doesn’t like driving me around. So I’m trying not to ask for as many rides. We stopped face timing, and I try only to call when it’s a necessity.

Because I work so much, all I want when I’m not at work is to sleep and spend time with him. I guess my actions don’t translate to, “I miss you, I love you, and I want actual time with you.” Instead, it comes off as a “needy girlfriend with separation anxiety.” He didn’t say it exactly, but he definitely hinted at that. He asked me what my hobbies are other than spending time with him.

Lately, there’s been a noticeable distance between us. He’s stressed from his life, and I’m stressed from mine. Relationship problems are the last thing we need. But we have them, and now I don’t know how to navigate the relationship.

I can’t suddenly ask for quality time. We’ve had a few dates, but if we were together for an extended time, it’s mostly been us and a friend or a group setting. I’ve tried to plan dates and vacations, and he shuts me down before I can’t even get my hopes up.

I tried to talk to him, but I can’t tell him how I really feel. It feels like he doesn’t want to spend time with me alone. I think I should stop trying to spend time alone because he either doesn’t want to or doesn’t realize how far apart we’ve grown.

Due to all this stress, I’m under my anxiety, and my depression is awful right now. Each day I feel less and less mentally stable for a relationship.

How do I explain to him that I’m angry that I wake up some days because I’d rather die than keep living this way? Sometimes I feel alone. I feel like a secondary character. I think that my consciousness only appears when something that needs immediate attention. That sounds stupid, I know. But sometimes, I feel unconscious in my life. I don’t mean that in some type of ‘woke’ way. I feel as if I’m not present at the moment. Sometimes my emotions and my thoughts distract me from enjoying my life. It feels like I overthink so much I can’t stop focusing and concentrate. I am thinking about the past or the future, or something other than what I’m doing.

How do I explain I’m going back into myself? That I’m tearing myself apart, and yet I’m no longer building myself back up. It’s like I’m chipping away who I am and just leaving behind an empty shell.

It’s a time like this; I don’t feel I have the right to be a part of someone else’s life. I don’t think I’m mentally ready for a relationship. It’s almost lying to him by trying to be positive and what I think he wants. I neglect myself. I haven’t been writing or talking to my friends, and all I do is go to work and use my boy as emotional support. I have nothing going on for myself and use him as a distraction.

Sometimes I think he has to know I’m not doing all that well, considering how much weight I’ve gained and how disorganized my room has become.

But other times, when he says things like the reason we don’t live together yet, I’m a slob and lazy, and just wants to keep things separate when he asked me why I don’t have hobbies or do anything with my time. I don’t know if it is to hurt me or if he genuinely doesn’t know what he’s saying.

I’m trying to better myself, but it’s so hard getting out of bed. I’m going to start back writing on my blog and working out again, and forcing myself to be better. Because I want to be what he wants. I want him to want me.

But I know I’m wanting after something I’m not going to get. I’m wasting my time. He doesn’t want to move in with me; he doesn’t want to marry me- he’s told me these things. I just wish he could be upfront with more things. So I could really know where I stand in his life.

But he doesn’t know what he wants, and I’m stuck here being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. An MPDG has one job; she gives new meaning to the male hero’s life!

And I just so happen to fit the description to the fucking tee. A woman who is energetic, high on life, full of wacky quirks and idiosyncrasies (generally including childlike playfulness), often with a touch of wild hair dye.

I can’t even blame him; I did this to myself. I just wasn’t ready for the consequences. The problem with being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl is being too dream girl. I’m not needed when he wakes up. The movie ends when he’s a better person, and so does the dream girl; there’s no need for her anymore.

I don’t want to fight for someone who doesn’t fight for me. I don’t need an almost relationship.

I deserve it all or nothing at all. And I guess that I experienced the latter.

My bad relationship with men all started with my bad relationship with my father, or for lack of better words my biological father. Patrick may be my father, but Efrain is my dad. 

I’ve refused talking about my relationships with my dads because I refused to admit I had daddy issues. I felt that if I admitted to having a complex with my dad, it would insult my mom and my stepfather.

My parents got a divorce before I can even remember. Unlike other kids, I have no memories of my parents being together, for which I’m very thankful. The divorce never affected my family dynamic or caused a lot of feelings of loss in my life.

 I’ll admit that my relationship with my biological father has always been strained. I don’t remember living with him, and my memories of weekend visits throughout my early childhood are vague. He loved me, I’m sure, but he eventually slipped off the radar. He wasn’t abusive or a massive jerk or anything. He just wasn’t there. 

Because Efrain had a daughter of his own that he couldn’t be around, he understood how important a relationship between a girl and her dad is. He didn’t want to take over the role of father in my life or take over my relationship with the term dad. Efrain didn’t want to betray my biological father, step on any toes, or cross any boundaries. Until he realized Patrick didn’t want to be there.  

I didn’t realize how much it hurt Efrain to step aside and watched me call another man daddy. He listened to me talk about all the things Patrick promised me-promises he never delivered. Toys my mom and dad would go buy in the middle of the night when I was asleep. Trips to Disneyland my parents took me on, saying that Patrick was the one who paid for it. My dad held me as I cried when I was thirteen when I met Patrick’s other family for the first time. 

Thirteen was the first time I felt loss and anger for something I never had. That was the year he switched from dad to Patrick in my head. It wasn’t until I was fifteen Patrick started to make an effort to be in my life. That was the first time Patrick came to my birthday party. I stopped having birthday parties after that. 

I’ve never told Patrick that I’m angry with him. If I’m honest I was for a while resentful even about him, his wife, his kids. How he found a new family. I lived with them when I was nineteen, and I was a stranger living in their house—some outsider who clearly didn’t belong there. It was like he traded me in for something he thought was better. It was like he was embarrassed by me. For the first time, I wanted to know what I did wrong to not be loved by him. Living in the house, I saw how proud he was to be their dad and I felt jealous because he never had the time to be my dad.

Also, I get that Patrick was a teenager when I was born, but so was my mom. My mom was a baby raising a baby, and Patrick didn’t step up even when he got to his 30s. It just seems unfair. I think it can all be boiled down to Patrick not having the maturity, parenting skills, and emotional intelligence to try to stay present in my life. I’m sure he wanted to but didn’t know how, probably not knowing where he fit and didn’t care that much to learn. He probably didn’t even know where to begin being more active in my life than he was at that point.

Now I’m an adult, and our relationship is complicated. We don’t know how to communicate with each other. 

The worst part about me never telling how I feel is he still thinks that his words and actions have no effect on me, but they do.