New Years, New Beginnings

Happy New Year!!!

Seeing how terrible last year was, maybe it’s time to bring back grandma’s tradition of eating collard greens and black-eyed peas on January 1st. It’s a southern thing that is supposed to bring luck, abundance, and prosperity. At least that’s what grandma always said.

If you’re new here, my website decided to kill itself in mid-December. With no way to recover the deleted content, I decided to wait until the new year to reintroduce myself. And the time is finally here.

Hi, I’m Eryn! I’m currently 23 and a Hufflepuff. My gifted kid burnout flavor is losing interest and quitting anything that doesn’t come easily to me. With a dash of getting angry at myself for not being immediately good at everything I try.

For the past year, I’ve been working on creating a more mentally stable version of myself. I’ve taken to writing for therapy and to express myself. I realized I needed a positive output when I played 1560 hours of The Sims 4, pre-lockdown. What started as escapism from the bullshit around me became avoidance.

I couldn’t accept the fact that I ‘failed’ in life. I failed because I had to move back in with my parents. I failed because I dropped out of college. I failed because I couldn’t reach the top of the ever-growing standards I made for myself. For a long time, I was a failure in my eyes and what felt like my family’s eyes.

It has taken me a while to pick myself up and realize this was pure nonsense, but some days this still feels true. It’s been a struggle. A year ago, Eryn would tell you that it feels like every morning, I have to fight to get up. Telling myself, I’m worth it and practicing kindness to myself was so foreign to me. Honestly, it still is.

Maybe it’s because my opinion of myself has never been very high, and I feed off constant validation. Is this the consolation prize for living past the age of 18? Anxiety and depression?

I have more anxiety now than I ever had in high school. Maybe it’s because, as an adult, instead of sticking up for myself I let people and things chip away at who I was as an individual.

The most hurtful words I’ve ever heard, surprisingly, is not my stepmother telling me she’d have more respect for the dog than she would for me if I asked to move back home. It is, in fact, “You had so much potential.” It sounds silly, I know. Throughout the years, I’ve had many derogatory remarks about me. While those comments hurt, they are easy to brush off.

People are quick to remind me of how smart I was and how much potential I had. I mean, I get it. I’ve yet to see a hallmark movie with the main character leaving for five years, only to return with mental scars and debt?

I could not understand how people could tell me my potential was tapped out. I did not drop out of college because I was bored with it. I left because my mental health deteriorated, and I suffered a mental breakdown that I still haven’t dealt with properly.

For years my dreams and goals took a hiatus because I focused on working, on surviving. But all that working and surviving it made me fragile. It made me want someone to take care of me. Not financially but emotionally. When I got into a very serious relationship, I romanticized the wrong things. I didn’t know then what a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship looked like.

In that relationship, my job was no longer to fight to survive. It was to be a homemaker. Which, if I do say myself, is not a job I am meant for. No disrespect to any person who chooses to be a stay-at-home spouse or parents; in truth, I applaud you. I found it incredibly hard to make time for myself. It’s impossible to take a break from your job when your job is your life. I didn’t realize I was not the only one so unhappy with me being a stay at home girlfriend. He found his wife while he still dated me—That’s like getting fired and asked to train your replacement.

I want to say I was ready last year to become who I am meant to be, but I wasn’t. For the first time, I have the opportunity to focus solely and selfishly on myself. The only problem is I didn’t know who I was anymore.

So I rebuilt myself. Now that I have a strong foundation, it’s time to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem. I hope you stick around for the wild ride.

There’s something liberating about being my person again. To my young readers, whatever you do with your life, I want to discourage putting your life on hold to be what someone else wants. My dears, your hopes and dreams come first. Get the most out of this life. Remember to do something stupid and something terrible for you every once in awhile. You can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. I hope your days add up. And like every mother out there, I wish I could witness all your joy.

To my readers who feel they “had so much potential,” you still do. My loves, whatever is meant for you in this world, will be waiting. When you are ready to start after your goal, you will find what is yours to capture. Your potential has no end. Moving back home isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes when we fall, we need a hand to get back up. It does not matter how you get up; make sure you Get Up.

Being someone who wants to help others and pass on kindness, I want to help you with any problems you might have. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to all the universe’s secrets, unless you count asking my magic eight-ball. Some of my advice might be useful, and some of it not so much.

I would love to hear your story. I say it time and again. I wish there were more words than the ones I use over and over to express my gratitude to you all, my internet family, and my inspiration.

Thank you for the joy you bring to my life. I cant wait to see where this year takes us.