Hey! I’m feeling a bit nervous about this post as I haven’t written like this in a while. It might affect my relationship, but I really need to express myself.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” This is a quote from Stephen Chbosky’s book “The Perks of Being a Wallflower.”
This quote has been on my mind for some time now. I often reflect on it, especially when it comes to my current partner and my past relationships. Looking back, I realize I’ve allowed myself to be treated poorly by my exes because I didn’t think I deserved any better.
One of my exes was particularly critical of my hobby of photography. He told me that I took too many photos and videos and that it was annoying. At the time, I had two Canon cameras that I loved using. But because of his criticism, I stopped taking pictures altogether, lost my passion for photography, and got rid of my cameras.
Another ex of mine criticized my baking skills. They told me that my desserts were never good enough and that I should find a new hobby. Since then, I’ve had difficulty feeling confident in my baking, and nothing I make ever looks good enough.
A few years ago, my current partner expressed that I was too clingy and needed to find some hobbies. In response, I’ve decided to become a book and crochet enthusiast. Although I genuinely enjoyed reading and had previously crocheted with my mom, I found it challenging to juggle school, work, hobbies, and a relationship at the same time. Nonetheless, I was determined to become a book girlie and to find a balance between everything in my life.
I understand that my partner has responsibilities and interests, and I don’t want to come off as clingy. However, I feel there’s a difference between wanting to spend time with him and being overly attached. Unfortunately, my partner sometimes forgets that I feel isolated out here. Even though I have friends I love, my family lives in Las Vegas, and I’m practically alone here. I want to spend time with my partner without feeling like a burden on him. We’ve been together for a few years, and as time passes, I’m becoming increasingly eager to get married. I’ve dropped hints, my mother has dropped hints, and even his family has dropped hints. If he isn’t ready to settle down, the lack of action on his part speaks volumes. On the other hand, if he is ready to settle down but just not with me, I can accept that, but I need him to be honest with me. I know that my struggle with depression and my struggle with keeping a clean home has been a problem mentioned before, and that’s understandable.
I sometimes feel bitter about not being married or engaged yet. I have been in a relationship with my partner for most of my twenties, and I’d like to know how long I should wait for him to take the next step. However, what upset me was when he suggested I only wanted to get married because my friend Jasmine recently got engaged. That’s not the case at all.
I feel like I’m begging to be loved. It’s making me feel pathetic and weak. I understand my partner has many priorities, but it’s disheartening to realize I’m not even in his top five. He might argue that driving me around shows how much of a priority I am, but running errands is different than prioritizing our relationship. I know my lack of a car is causing some issues between us, but it’s only a temporary problem.
During my birthday trip, I had a conversation with my partner about marriage. He said that he wanted to get married but wanted to organize his life before making any hard decisions. I respected his decision, but he became defensive when I asked about his plan to get his life together. I work full-time and attend school, while he has only worked part-time for the past few years. It was only after I broke down crying about the financial responsibility that he decided to get a full-time job. He says marriage is different and doesn’t want to disappoint me, which I found confusing. It was like saying, couldn’t he disappoint me while we were dating? We can tell from my self-explanatory post he can.
Although I want to get married, I don’t believe it is a magical solution to our problems. I am aware that the divorce rate is high, and being a child of divorce, I know that it’s not a decision to be taken lightly.
Currently, I find myself reevaluating my relationship and feeling terrible about it. It’s time for me to take control of my life and stop letting my commitment issues rule it. Although my partner is an amazing person, I need to ensure that this relationship is genuinely what I want before proceeding further. I understand that I may try to convince myself that I’m overthinking and overreacting in a few days, but I won’t fall into that trap again. I deserve happiness, and it’s time to fight for it without jeopardizing a good thing. Because even if we don’t stay together, I will want this person in my life.
I know some people might accuse me of being overdramatic and taking advantage of Hector, but for the most part, our relationship is great. However, we spend around 40% of our time either not talking or arguing. Currently, we’re not talking because I brought up an ongoing argument that we never resolved. Hector won’t speak to me because he doesn’t think there’s a problem, and even if I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, he won’t respond. We won’t talk until I apologize or restart the conversation because I know he won’t. It’s always like this: I have to apologize even if I’m not in the wrong.
The reason why he won’t talk is because of a communication behavior called Stonewalling. It’s a fancy term that refers to shutting down during a conflict. I know that this is an expected behavior, but I dislike it. Stonewalling is a form of self-defensive communication that is mainly observed in men. The idea is that if they don’t say anything, they can’t make the situation worse. However, this behavior actually makes things worse because it involves refusing to communicate and withdrawing from the conversation. It makes me feel like the other person doesn’t value me enough to even engage in a conversation.
It’s time to realize that I deserve to be treated with love and respect in my relationships. I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than what I’m worth. I am capable of pursuing my passions and living my best life, and I won’t let anyone else hold me back.
