Hey guys! You’re probably wondering where I’ve disappeared to. Even though I often take extended breaks from posting, I always try to share something for Spooktober, and with Halloween tomorrow, this is my first post.
After the Hozier concert in September, my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m currently failing two classes, and my boyfriend and I have decided to get married and not get married within days of each other. On top of that, my car door isn’t working, which has left me trapped in and out of my car due to this issue. I’ve also been experiencing some medical problems, but for some reason, I haven’t gone to the hospital yet. I know why I haven’t gone. It’s happening because of one of three reasons. Reason 1 is I’m stressed, 2 is overweight, or 3 is both. I don’t feel like paying a doctor to be told there might not be a problem when there is one, but Kaiser doesn’t care enough to find it.
Let me backtrack a bit. I had a heart-to-heart with my boyfriend about marriage, and while I had everything meticulously planned, he seemed disinterested and weary of the topic. Everything was falling into place—we were all set for a beautiful ceremony next year—until a recent argument cast a shadow of uncertainty over our wedding. It almost feels like the idea of marriage was a ploy to silence my persistent planning.
And it doesn’t help that this morning in my English class, my teacher discussed societal problems for our research papers. She showed us how to use ChatGPT to create more specific essay topics from broad subjects. One of her examples was social issues in modern marriages, focusing on long-term commitment issues and divorce rates. As someone who just got engaged, those issues hit hard and made me feel apprehensive, leading me to question whether we should even get married. I brought this up with him, and instead of reassuring me that marriage was a good idea, he suggested that we should wait. That response didn’t help me feel any better.
So, how does my unease about marriage lead to a heated argument? Remember how I’ve mentioned feeling confined in and out of my car? Today was one of those days. I couldn’t get the car door open. What started as a day of punctuality turned into a 20-minute delay because I couldn’t get into my car at all. My brother tried to help, but to no avail. I asked Hector when he planned to fix it, and he said he was waiting for me to buy the part. Last week, I spent money on tattoos for both of us. If I had known I needed to buy a part, I would have spent my money on that instead. I felt upset that he was placing the blame on me.
It turned into a “he said, she said” argument, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. When I initially gave Hector my car to fix, instead of resolving the issue, he ended up removing the part that was keeping the car door together in the first place. It felt like a betrayal of trust.
I’m feeling really sad right now. I keep wondering if we’re still together and whether we’ll get married. I’ve thought about dropping out of school and just staying in bed forever. Honestly, I wish I had a strong drink right now because I’d rather be drunk than feel this way.
