At the beginning of the month, I started looking for a job that pays more, and today I finally got the call I’ve been waiting for.
It’s a full-time position with benefits; it’s the big girl job I’ve been waiting for. I’m excited about this, ecstatic even. But my excitement is tinged by this bittersweet feeling.
I feel silly saying this, but I love my current job. I love what I do. I believe it has meaning. My coworkers are mostly awesome. Our clients are fantastic. That said – I’m underpaid.
I started looking into a new job because I’m tired of my bank account being overdrawn. I had to pick between being able to buy clothes for the interview and food. My boyfriend and brother are tired of chauffeuring me around, understandable. Still, I literally don’t have the money to buy a bus fare.
It’s no question that I’m taking this job. I would be greatly relieved from debt by pursuing this new opportunity.
It has been a struggle to silence all the doubts I have. At first, I felt guilty for leaving. I feel like I’m letting down my boss and my colleagues. But I know I’m doing what’s better for me. I’m nervous because it’s a new place and new people. Scared that they will be less flexible, and I would have to sacrifice my family time more often. But, I had to ask myself, “There is an opportunity for more money and more experience but is that worth it?”
I’m a paycheck away from being homeless. I don’t believe my uncle would kick me out if I couldn’t pay for a few months, but I don’t want to put either of us in that situation. But I also think that heaven forbids, what if he dies suddenly? I’m fucked along with everyone else who lives in this house. I have no savings. I have no plan. I have nothing and nowhere to go. This time, I don’t have a car to sleep in if I get evicted.
I’m getting older, my views on life changed from when I was in college until now when I’m looking to start a family. I keep thinking of the future. I want to be able to live without roommates and have a car of my own. I’m much more interested in giving my future self a better life, living in a safe neighborhood, and retiring comfortably.
I have to be strong tomorrow when I go to hand in my two weeks notice. Much like Dolly Parton leaving Porter Wagner to pursue a solo career, I will always love you.