Like everything in my life, dating is not something I’m good at; I consider dating to be the thing I fail at the most in life.
While not a long one, my adult dating history has a pattern of rushing things and trying too hard to please my partner, or we hurt each other to the point it broke one of us. I don’t even know what to say other than I’ve been broken so often I don’t feel comfortable dating. That is a laugh considering I’ve been in a relationship for the last year.
He’s too good for me. I know he doesn’t exactly have all of his shit together, but if it feels like he has more of an idea of where his life is going, then I do. He’s got an idea of what he’s going to do, and he’s saving up for his goals. I’m just not good at those things. I feel like I’m distracting him from his dreams. I love my boyfriend, and I’d never leave him, but my brain keeps telling me, “He deserves better; you can’t even figure out what you want to do. You’re a college dropout and with some retail experience, so what are you good for? He deserves someone who can be his equal.”
Lately, I’ve been having some serious doubts about myself. I have a lot of stress right now and no one to express it to, and now I’ve started to tear myself apart. Nothing I can do is enough. I don’t know what I want to do as a career. I can’t even keep my blog updated because I’m always so tired. I currently work at a gym, and the crappy hours are killing me. I’m barely making enough to pay my bills. I can’t even pull my weight.
I’m starting to feel useless. It hurts. My parents taught me that I need to live independently, to be 100% independent if something goes wrong. To be a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. I feel like I’ve failed. I failed my parents; my boyfriend failed me. I know Hector nor my parents don’t feel like I’ve failed them, and I know Hector cares so much for me.
It is a little hard for me to accept that this man genuinely cares for me. I’m trying my hardest not to ruin this relationship. I’ve never tried to keep a person in my life as much as I want to keep this man. He makes me want to be a better person, which was a miracle in itself. Before I met him, I believed we needed a new plague (I can’t say that cause of Covid anymore). Every person I encountered was stupid. I’m not smart or anything, but humanity became so ridiculously stupid; not the point.
Lately, I have been pushing him away because I’m scared. Scared of this relationship, how well it is doing. It hasn’t been a year yet, so I’m not getting my hopes up too high. But that doesn’t stop me from being scare of this. I’m scared I’m growing too dependent on him. Because I know if he leaves that I might not ever be okay, I hate that I’ve given him that much of myself. Then I start to doubt myself and say it’s because I have so much going on and he’s been my rock and that I’m just using him emotionally. This is a one-sided relationship again, and once things go back to normal, he will leave. As stupid as this is, I keep thinking he’s going to leave me, so I’m pushing him away so he’ll leave now before I become too attached.
It’s a habit I have to force myself to break. Unfortunately, I’m stupid and not good with change. Forcing myself just to go one day at a time to not think too far in the future and not overthink everything is so taxing. I just gave him a key to my place, and he’s currently looking to move, and part of me wants to ask him to move in or for us to start looking for somewhere together. Then the part of me that’s been hurt by moving in with someone too fast likes to remind me that it is even easier to become homeless in California than in Nevada. Then I start to think I’m stupid for wanting to change the good thing we have going.
It sounds a little defeatist and like I’m trying to play the victim- trust me, I’m not- but I’m used to everyone leaving me. I’m used to them finding someone better than me after me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m fostering men until they find their forever home. All of my exes are married or engaged. I date people, sometimes for years. It is like they’d meet The One and get married immediately within months of us breaking up. After years, YEARS with me. Hearing about your exes walking down the aisle with the person who was supposed to be the Rebound kind of starts getting to you.
And I know in the past, I rush things sometimes out of jealousy. I’m not going to do that now. I don’t want to be that crazy ex-girlfriend Hector dated for a year before finding his person.