i had a job interview today and I didn’t get the job, and I know exactly when it happened.
They asked about the gap in my resume. I said I was taking care of my grandmother. This is a respectable answer. This is a human answer. This is an answer that usually earns you a nod and maybe a gold star for being a Decent Person.
Then the interviewer said, “Oh, so you don’t take care of your grandmother anymore?”
And this is where my soul left my body and let my mouth freelance.
I said, “Well, she died, so I guess I wasn’t a very good caretaker.”
I would like to be clear: this was meant to be a joke. A dark joke, yes, but still a joke. The kind of joke that works great if you are alone, or online, or with people who already know you’re Like This. It does not work in a beige office with motivational posters and a man named Craig who is evaluating your “culture fit.”
Craig did not laugh. Craig did not blink. Craig looked at me the way you look at a raccoon that has somehow gotten into your house and is now holding a knife.
Anyway, if anyone needs me, I’ll be updating my resume to include “excellent under pressure” and “should not be allowed to answer follow-up questions.”
I wasn’t even high this time.
