Hey friends,
So, I had a moment of nostalgia, and of course, I dove into some old stuff I had lying around. What did I find? My high school poetry. And let me tell you, it was a journey — like a time capsule filled with teenage angst, wannabe Lin-Manuel Miranda vibes, and enough drama to make a telenovela jealous.
But here’s the thing: this poetry wasn’t just about my generic teenage angst. It was deeply tied to my daddy issues. Yup. Turns out I was really mad at my absentee dad (spoiler: still working through that one). Each poem was basically a love letter to my unresolved feelings about him. I mean, I was a kid fueled by caffeine, self-doubt, and a whole lot of emotion I couldn’t figure out how to express, so I poured it all into words.
Fun fact
These poems weren’t just hidden in a dusty notebook — nope, I posted them everywhere. Facebook, Myspace, and of course, my now-deleted Tumblr. And before you ask!!! Yes, I ran a poetry group on Facebook, and we had a whopping 30 members — big time, I know. And Tumblr? Let’s not even talk about it. I spent hours pouring my soul into that little corner of the internet. I felt safe there, like I had an audience for all my overly-dramatic poetry. But alas, that page is gone now, just like my dignity. RIP thirdtoxiceye — my old username that was way too deep for my own good. Let me explain:
- “Third eye” because I was sooo deep (ugh) into this whole spiritual enlightenment thing. I thought I saw beyond the surface, like, into another dimension (lol, seriously). Mystical, right?
- But then the “toxic” part? Because I was 16 and convinced the world was a disappointment — I thought everyone who believed in good things was just naive. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. Took me about 10 years to figure that out. Jokes on me.
Anyway, I was also obsessed with Lin-Manuel Miranda. Like, thought I could turn poems into songs and eventually match his rhythm and flow. I really thought I was gonna make the next “Hamilton,” but let’s be real, I was just a hot mess of bad metaphors and unrefined verse. But hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?
And then there’s this — the gem — a poem I posted on Facebook (and I’m sure it also made its way to Tumblr). I’m fully embracing the cringe. It’s raw, dramatic, and full of teenage energy (which, let’s be honest, probably no one asked for).
Here’s a snippet of one of my poems from Facebook:
im living for myself now
its better than living for nothing
but everytime i think of you i feel a part of me die and i don’t know why
i try to move on and try to be strong but thats justs happening
i think of you even in my dreams and its making me crazy
i dont know what to say now cuz you make me bad for saying what i feel
sorry i didnt give you the best of me
tell me what you want me to say so i can finally move and my nightmares can go away
im sorry
Yes, that’s a direct copy-paste, people. And yes, the punctuation is all over the place. That’s how we did it in 2012. Was I deep? Absolutely not. Was I going through it? You bet.
But here’s the thing: I look back on that messy version of me and kinda love her. I miss the vulnerability, the rawness of just sharing my thoughts with no filter, no expectation. It wasn’t about writing perfectly; it was about feeling everything so intensely that I had no choice but to release it into the world.
Honestly, reading that felt a lot like the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You when Julia Stiles reads her poem aloud. It’s cringy, raw, and real. And let’s face it, it’s iconic.
So, here’s the thing: I miss thirdtoxiceye. I miss the randomness of Tumblr, the poetry, the chaos, and the people who were just there to feel with me. Yeah, I deleted the account, but maybe some things are better left lost.
To everyone who was a part of my poetry group on Facebook or followed me on Tumblr — thank you for being there while I processed my teen angst and my daddy issues. I guess we were all just out here looking for something to hold onto, and sharing that mess with you was my way of doing it.
And hey, if you’re not cringing at your younger self, are you even growing?
💖🌸
