I often talk about how family is important and how I try to strengthen my connection with my boyfriend’s family. However, I realize that I have been a hypocrite because I haven’t done anything to mend my broken relationship with my own family. I have two siblings and several others from my dad’s side, whom I know very little about. I have tried to stay connected with them but haven’t put in the effort.
I don’t really have a relationship with my siblings, and I regret that. I used to blame them for the absence of my dad in my life when I was younger, and I resented my siblings, especially my sister, for the life I felt I deserved. When I lived with my dad and his wife for a while, I did have a relationship with my siblings, but it was awkward, and none of us knew how to navigate it. After I moved out, I got busy with life and wanted to put that chapter behind me. It wasn’t easy living there. I had my first mental breakdown and suicide attempt there, and even now, I’m trying to fix the emotional and mental damage from that time in my life. But that’s a different post. Now, between work and school, I wouldn’t know how to restart the relationship.
You’re probably wondering why I mentioned my siblings. Recently, my little sister graduated from college. I didn’t attend her graduation; I probably wouldn’t have gone even if I had been invited. It would have been awkward since we are basically strangers now. I’m proud of her for graduating, but I can’t help feeling jealous of her once again. I find myself looking back and wondering what my life would have been like if I had stayed and graduated when I was supposed to. I’m constantly having these what-if moments, pondering how my life would be different if I had made other choices.
Would I still feel suffocated in my own life? I can’t help but dwell on what-ifs, but doing so only diminishes my own accomplishments and can’t change the past. I left for various reasons, and honestly, I know I made the right choice. However, I wonder if I would have a better relationship with my siblings if I had stayed. Would we still be strangers? I would love to reconnect with my siblings, but sometimes I feel like it’s too weird now.
I want to reconnect with them before I have a family. I wouldn’t want my kids to be isolated from family like I was. I know it will take time to learn about each other and become friends get rid of the idea of brother or sister. Maybe we won’t be family automatically but it will be a start.
