I really thought that by the time I was growing a whole human and entering my seventh month of pregnancy, I’d have endless things to talk about.
Turns out… I really don’t.
A few days ago I went to a specialist for a more detailed ultrasound. They looked at the baby’s organs, brain, and everything they’re supposed to check at this stage. I’ll get the results next week, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous.
I’m sure everything is probably fine.
But if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know this pregnancy has come with a lot of anxiety. My brain has become incredibly talented at creating worst-case scenarios.
I even asked a few friends who have children with autism or other disabilities whether they found out during pregnancy. The overwhelming answer was no.
And before anyone misunderstands me, this isn’t about loving my child less if they’re born differently. I would love this baby with every part of me no matter what.
It’s just that you can’t really prepare for something you don’t know is coming.
And I like being prepared.
I’m the person who makes the plans—even if life laughs at those plans half the time. I like researching my options. I like knowing what could happen. I like having a game plan, even if I never have to use it.
The problem is that pregnancy doesn’t really work that way.
There’s so much waiting.
So much uncertainty.
And that’s been really hard for me.
To make matters worse, the current plan for my pregnancy is that I’m giving birth in Las Vegas. My sister mentioned that the hospital where she had both of her boys is considered a high-volume hospital. She said they reported a lot of deaths, although she wasn’t sure if that statistic was for the hospital overall or specifically Labor & Delivery.
Now, logically, I know those are two very different things.
Emotionally?
My brain immediately went, “Cool. New fear unlocked.”
So now I’m seriously considering doing the hospital tour, even though almost everyone I’ve talked to says it’s not really worth it. Maybe it won’t change anything, but I feel like seeing where I’ll be delivering would make everything feel a little less scary.
Being in Vegas without a job, without friends nearby, and without Hector here has also been harder than I expected. I have way too much time to sit with my thoughts, and that’s never been my strongest skill.
I’ve definitely fallen into a bit of a slump.
On the bright side, I picked up crocheting again. I’m making a little doll and a baby blanket for the baby.
The blanket is coming along.
The doll…
Let’s just say if it comes to life, I’m calling an exorcist.
I’m hoping to find a few more things to keep myself busy over the next couple of months. I’ve even been thinking about learning how to swim. At the very least, it would get me out of the house and give my brain something else to focus on besides Googling every weird pregnancy symptom at two in the morning.
For now, I’m just taking things one appointment, one crochet stitch, and one day at a time.
