Maybe it’s the stress of my doctors telling me I have gestational diabetes, even though almost all of my glucose readings have been normal. Or maybe it’s the stress of moving. Whatever the reason, I can’t shake this fear that something is wrong with my pregnancy or with the baby.
It’s been keeping me up at night.
Some days she’s just not very active. I know babies have quieter days—I mean, I’m the queen of lazy days—but a little while ago I went two full days without feeling her move. I ended up going to urgent care, and thankfully everything was completely normal.
I see my doctors almost every week at this point, and every ultrasound has looked good. I have another appointment with the specialist on Wednesday, so I know she’s being monitored closely. Logically, I know all of that should reassure me.
But emotionally? I still feel uneasy.
Maybe it’s because this is my first pregnancy. Maybe it’s because I’m about to be seven months pregnant, and I didn’t even know I was pregnant until April. Sometimes that makes me feel like I already failed her somehow, even though I know that’s not really fair to myself.
By most standards, this has been an easy pregnancy. Compared to what I’ve read in books and what I’ve seen other people go through online, I’ve been incredibly lucky.
So why am I so anxious?
I almost feel guilty for worrying because every doctor keeps telling me everything looks fine. But I can’t seem to turn my brain off.
The anxiety has even changed how I feel about getting ready for her.
When I finally let myself get excited, I bought a crib almost immediately. I asked one of my friends for her old baby items, and I was ready to buy a car seat before someone generously gave us one for free. We’ve also been blessed with so many other baby items already, and I’m incredibly grateful.
Our baby shower isn’t until August, and I keep seeing adorable little onesies that I want to buy.
But I don’t.
It’s like I’ve hit this wall where I’m scared to get too excited. Scared to prepare too much. Scared that if I let myself fully believe everything is okay, something will go wrong.
I don’t really know why I feel this way.
Maybe this is just another part of becoming a parent. Maybe it’s my anxiety trying to protect me from something that isn’t even happening. I honestly don’t know.
I’m hoping that as I get further along and continue hearing that everything is okay, this feeling starts to fade.
Until then, I guess all I can do is keep showing up to my appointments, trust my doctors, and remind myself that fear isn’t the same thing as intuition.
I’m trying.
