Growing up, I never really questioned the way my parents divided responsibilities. It was just… normal.
My parents are pretty conservative. They have a few beliefs that lean more liberal, but overall they subscribed to fairly traditional gender roles.
My mom cooked. My dad handled the cars. They both worked full-time, but my dad was the one who made sure the bills were paid and managed the family’s finances. My mom paid a few things on her own, like her credit cards, but they shared a bank account and my dad handled most of the money.
He also took out the trash, put gas in my mom’s car, and took care of anything vehicle-related.
Ironically, the one thing that wasn’t very traditional was cleaning the house. My dad actually did most of it.
That was the example I grew up with, so I assumed that’s how most families worked.
Now that I’m preparing to become a mom, I’ve found myself questioning what I want to teach my own child.
My friends joke that I’m basically destined to be a trad wife, and honestly… I kind of fit the stereotype.
I have a butter churn.
I make sourdough from scratch.
I’m currently crocheting a baby blanket and a little stuffed doll.
I genuinely enjoy cooking, baking, making things from scratch, and creating a cozy home. Those hobbies bring me a lot of joy.
But then I catch myself wondering… when I have a daughter, do I want her to grow up wanting the same life?
Would I want her to dream of staying home and raising a family?
Then another part of me asks, “Why wouldn’t I?”
Is there actually anything wrong with choosing that life?
At the same time, I also want her to know she can become a CEO, a lawyer, an engineer, a doctor, or anything else she wants. I have friends in corporate America who have successful careers while raising children. I admire them so much because I know how difficult that balancing act can be.
Neither path feels more valuable than the other.
I think what I’m actually struggling with is the idea of independence.
For example, I didn’t learn how to pump my own gas until about a year or two ago. My dad always did it growing up, and now my husband usually does. I know how—I just rarely have to.
So how do I teach my child that it’s important to be capable of doing things for yourself when there are certain things I’ve never regularly had to do?
Sometimes I find myself comparing my life to other women and thinking, “Wow… am I weak?”
And the more I think about it, the more I realize that probably isn’t the right question.
Maybe I was simply raised in a home where everyone contributed differently.
My mom wasn’t less capable because my dad handled the cars.
My dad wasn’t less masculine because he cleaned the house.
They were partners.
Maybe strength isn’t measured by how many traditionally masculine or feminine tasks you can do. Maybe it’s knowing that you can do them if you need to while also allowing your partner to lighten the load when they can.
I don’t want to teach my child that there’s only one right way to be a woman.
I want her to know she can chase a career, stay home with children, do both, or choose neither.
I want her to know that baking bread doesn’t make you less ambitious, and having a corner office doesn’t make you less nurturing.
Most importantly, I want her to know that whatever life she chooses should be because she chose it—not because society told her she had to.
I don’t know if I’ve figured out where I land on all of this yet.
But I guess that’s part of becoming a parent, isn’t it? Realizing the things you always accepted without question and deciding which ones you want to pass on—and which ones you want to rethink.
