Okay, so… I took a pregnancy test today. And it was negative.
And honestly? I felt this weird mix of relief and sadness—like my heart was doing two things at once. I don’t even know how to explain it properly. It’s not like I was expecting to be pregnant. I knew I wasn’t. My body’s been all over the place lately, probably just stress doing its usual thing. But there was still this tiny part of me, this hopeful whisper that wondered, “What if?”
And then when the test said no, it was like, “Okay… yeah. I figured.” But also… ouch.
It’s confusing because I do want a baby. Just not right now. I need at least four months—honestly, probably more—to figure some things out. If you’ve read my last post about being at a crossroads, you know I’ve been trying to get my footing again. Mentally, emotionally, just… life-wise
And honestly, part of my relief came from knowing I just couldn’t take on one more thing right now. Hector’s health hasn’t been great since his accident. Every day feels like this balancing act between worry and exhaustion. Some days, it’s all I can do to keep him okay and myself from falling apart. Adding pregnancy hormones, doctor appointments, and the unknowns of a baby on top of that? It would’ve been too much. My heart already feels stretched thin.
It’s such a delicate thing, isn’t it? To want something deeply, but also to know the timing isn’t right. It doesn’t mean I don’t want it—it just means I want us to be in a better place first. I want to be able to give a future version of that baby the best version of us. And right now, I’m still working on her.
So yeah… today, I’m holding both feelings at once. Relief that I have more time, and sadness that “not yet” isn’t “now.”
And honestly? I wish I knew what to say. I wish there was someone here to tell me something comforting, to make the sting of it all feel a little softer. But there isn’t—and that’s real life. It’s messy, it’s emotional, it’s a mixed can of everything.
So I’ll just sit with it for a bit. Then we move on. We try again.
