Lately, I’ve been looking at pictures and videos of myself and I keep wondering—
Do I just look tired… or do I look old? Or is it the weight?
Or maybe it’s all of it.
I know I’m tired. That part’s not a mystery.
But what’s harder to ignore is this feeling that I don’t look happy anymore.
Not in the same way I used to.
There’s this light I used to see in old videos, even when I was joking or rambling or barely trying. And now? I still show up. I still smile sometimes. I still post. But the spark? The ease? It’s… dimmer. Softer. Or maybe just not there.
And I don’t say that looking for compliments. I don’t want anyone to tell me I’m pretty or beautiful or glowing.
Because this isn’t about vanity—it’s about presence. It’s about spirit.
And when I look at myself lately, I feel like I’m watching someone who’s here, but not really here.
Maybe it’s burnout. Maybe it’s grief. Maybe it’s time catching up with me.
Maybe it’s just the shift between who I used to be and who I’m still figuring out how to be.
I just know that I want to feel like me again. Not just look like her—but be her.
Or, maybe, find a new version of her who still feels… full. Awake. Real.
Until then, I’ll keep showing up. Even tired. Even unsure. Even blurry around the edges.
Because sometimes healing looks like just… being willing to keep looking at yourself.
Even when it’s hard.
Healing does take time. But once you get there you’ll be more comfortable in your body. And your look on life changes. Healing thoughts and light for you.