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Letter To Santa

Three Days to Christmas! How?

Is it just me, or is this Christmas not Christmasing the way it is supposed to? I barely wrote my Santa letter and started my Harry Potter marathon.

I’m SOOO thankful to autocorrect. I wrote this whole letter as Satan instead of Santa. Like, I’m not even dyslexic; I’m just dumb.

Dear Santa,

This year has passed so fast that I cannot keep up with the days.

I want to start by saying I’ve been good this year. Like really good, and it wasn’t easy. As I get older, my wants and passions have changed, so I am asking for a lot.

I’ve been suffering from crazy anxiety attacks, so there may be a way to stop that. Can you give me a little serotonin that lasts all of next year? Or something that will help me find the motivation to do little things like get out of bed and do the dishes? Maybe slip a sense of purpose to me; that would be great too.

Let us be realistic. Since only a therapist and a fistful of pills can help me. Can you give me a basic understanding of taxes and some business advice? From one hopefully soon entrepreneur to the most famous philanthropist in the world.

Now, my dear Santa, I know you are a strong supporter of the dadbod and have a few extra pounds. I love that for you, but me not so much. Now I know I’m a full meal, and my thick thighs saved lives, but I could use some help to lose some serious weight. I’m over here looking like the pickle guy from SpongeBob.

I’ll put in some work too. Just help me lose a stone or two. If by the end of the year I’m 57 kilos, that would be perfect. Sorry, I’m obsessed with British weight loss shows.

I would ask for a better world. I’d say world peace, but I doubt this world will ever be peaceful. Can we restart this game of the sims because everyone is poor and fighting with each other? But you aren’t a miracle worker. I have a specific idea of how we could improve the world. Now this one isn’t your forte but would it be possible to do a scrooging on like every billionaire? Send the ghost and let them buy the turkeys for the poor and give away millions to the needy. It would only be right. This is the 30th anniversary of The Muppets Christmas Carol. So like perfect time. We could even use The Muppets again.

I realize this all seems like a lot, but I’m sure you can handle this.

Please and Thank you,

The only proper response to this letter is.

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