Posted in Blogmas

Blue Christmas?

So it’s the beginning of the month, and some of my December plans have already started to fall apart.

A few days ago, my family said spending Christmas together would feel wrong since my grandmother passed away. Honestly, I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement, but what’s done is done.

I also was supposed to celebrate Christmas early with my boyfriend, just the two of us. The plan was to go on a fancy date and exchange gifts, wear matching Christmas pajamas. I had hotel and dinner reservations that have since been canceled.

If I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel like this month isn’t going to be fun or festive. And it is making me worry I will spend the holiday alone.

My family never had many holiday traditions growing up, but spending time together was always a big deal. Whether we were looking at Christmas lights, singing horribly off-key Christmas carols, or fighting, we did it as a family.

I knew this year would be different without my grandmother, but I didn’t think it meant we wouldn’t gather together at all.

I know I say I’m going to be alone, but if I don’t work, I’ll probably go to my boyfriend’s house. And while that should be ideal, it’s going to be awkward. His family dynamic is entirely different from mine. My family is loud and boisterous, and sure we are not as tight-knit as we used to be, but we still have a good relationship.

My boyfriend’s family is very awkward, and his relationships with his sisters can best be described as strained. They all act like strangers and know the bare minimum about each other. I’ve been over a handful of times, and it’s a cold environment. Until recently, one of his sisters didn’t even acknowledge my existence. But she’s an entirely different story. Family is not their priority, which confuses me as a family-oriented person.

Their strained relationships aren’t even the worst part of spending time with his family. It is the language barrier. I don’t speak Spanish, and sometimes I feel lost in the mix. I’m actually teaching myself Spanish to surprise his parents with a conversation. It’s hard sometimes to have my boyfriend translate, and many things get lost in translation.

The more I think of this Christmas, the more I miss the Christmas from my past. Grandma will not “force” me to read, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. I remember one year I was being a pain in the butt and didn’t want to read the poem. I kept saying “‘‘twas the nuzzle before christmizzle, and all through the hizzle”.

For the younger gen, about 10 years ago Snoop Dogg did a Pepsi commercial and Tumblr made it into a whole thing of its own.

I remeber thinking I was so hilarious for saying that and my grandma was ready to beat me. I still say it now and every time my mom just looks at me she rolls her eyes.

I did realize how I took spending time together for granted. Here I am an adult and I don’t see why I complained so much about reading a poem that took a few minutes. In fact, I’m going to miss doing it this year.

Sorry, this post was as cheery and bright as a blogmas post should be.

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