Posted in Health and Wellness

Releasing Some Anger

The fact I understand my emotions and why I’m feeling them makes me the most frustrated. Most of the time, when I’m upset, I’m angry and disappointed and blame myself for what happened.

I’m trying to let go of my anger and resentment. I didn’t know I was carrying this anger until I had a few bible studies. I’m so angry at myself, my parents, and life. And having all of this emotional baggage is affecting my mental health.

Im angry after learning most of the classes I took in Sacramento were repeating courses of the ones I took in Long Beach the first time I went to school. I am angry that my stepmom, “who knew so much more than me,” picked my classes. I am angry I let her pick my classes. I am mad about moving to Sacramento in the first place.

Angry that I constantly give up when things get complicated. And I let myself not do something like study, fill out necessary forms, work out, or put effort into my blog or business—one wrong decision after the other. And I don’t hold myself accountable. I allow myself to be lazy because it’s easier than trying.

Angry that I constantly allow evil thoughts to win. I’m too old for school, stupid, and untrainable.

I am angry that all of these things happened because I allowed my dad and his wife put a lot of doubt in me. I let them control my life and treat me like a child instead of an adult.

I never got an apology, but I only got excuses from my dad. All my dad is good for is excuses for not being around when I was a kid, for not standing up for me when I lived with him, and for cheating on my mom.

Angry that I keep acting like a victim.

Angry, I don’t know how to fully erase them from my life without looking like the bad guy.

How do I let it go? How do I surrender this anger to god, the universe, or whatever you call it?

I think admitting that there was something more behind my depression has helped. There are many things I’m angry about that are happening now too. But these are the things I’ve been carrying with me for a few years now. These are the things I need to acknowledge before I can work on my present or my future; I need to forgive my past.

Posted in Health and Wellness

Mental Health Update

Sorry I’ve been gone a month and came back to say, “Hey guys, I’m depressed.”

February is the smallest month of the year, yet it’s the most stressful.

It always seems like I have so much to do in February. I made it even harder on myself this year by deciding to go to school.

Lately, I have not been in the best mood. It seems like I’m always crying and doubting myself. I had a lot of plans for the blog and my TikTok and couldn’t bring myself to do any of them. I got too overwhelmed.

I started to worry about money, getting a job, getting good grades, keeping up my social life, and having a decent relationship with my boyfriend. I’m carrying a lot of baggage and feel like I’m being weighed down. I’m angry, irritated, and conflicted about everything. Every time I try to speak about things, people invalidate my feelings. And I think it will only get worse before it gets better.

I couldn’t even enjoy my birthday. I had a whole breakdown. Life is the thing happening between all of my meltdowns.

My birthday was a combination of things I’ve been carrying for a while.

My bio dad only messaged me happy birthday while everyone else sent me messages saying they were grateful to me. And I cried again when he decided to Zelle me a few days after as a gift. Not because it was money but because it was just the lack of effort. I don’t know why I expected anything else from him or even wanted it. If you’re going to do something, do it right, or don’t do it at all.

I had a birthday dinner with some friends, and I cried when I realized I’m friends with 90% of them because of my boyfriend. I know it’s not bad, but it just irked me when I got a message saying they were happy I was Hector’s girlfriend. I want to be my own person, not someone’s girlfriend. I don’t want to be friends with someone who only knows me as Hector’s girlfriend.

Speaking of being his girlfriend, that’s all I’m ever going to be. It feels like we aren’t committed to each other. Sometimes it’s like he can’t see a future with me, and I’m tired of trying to make a future for us.

His mom’s birthday is coming up, and I’m not invited to the dinner. It’s family only. And that wouldn’t have affected me so much, but we’ve been together for years. I couldn’t go to family events in the past because I worked on weekends.

I wanted a relationship where I didn’t need a reason to hang out with his family. My family never needed an excuse to see each other if we were in the area, we’d stop by. His family dynamic is different, and I don’t know where I fit in. His mom doesn’t feel comfortable with people stopping by. I get that; sometimes, I want a nice clean house for guests. But I even offered to make her a birthday cake, but that wasn’t possible. They always order their cakes. I don’t feel there’s a spot for me. Everyone says I haven’t been around enough to be a part of the family, but if he won’t start now to bring me around, when will he start?

I need to become independent in my life. Every few years, I get my independence, then immediately turn around, and become dependent on someone. I need to get a car. So I don’t have to depend on him for rides. I could do whatever I wanted if I had a car.

But being independent requires money. I need a job. I need a ride to the job to get one. Isn’t that what they call a catch-22? If it is, my whole life is a catch-22.

How do I let go of these things? The whole being optimistic, speaking peace into the universe, and burning sage hasn’t worked. How can you be happy when life feels like one hurdle after the other?

What are you carrying?

Posted in Health and Wellness

Who’s Ready To Breakdown?

The first month of 2023 is over; I don’t know how I felt about it.

So I don’t know what I did to deserve the shit show that has been my life these past few weeks, but it must have been terrible. It seemed like every time something good would happen, something terrible would happen directly after. Then it just to worse.

My uncle died, and his kids are in the custody of his crazy wife, who shouldn’t be within three feet of them; my job is so ridiculously stupidly stressful that I’m ready to cry. There was a power outage, and I was left sitting in the dark for hours- I work alone at night- there’s still no power. We had a homeless person walk onto the property while I was in the restroom, and of course, that became my fault. How dare I not give myself a uti and hold my bladder for the 8 hours I work? One of the drivers I work with makes me feel uncomfortable; I thought he was gone since I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving. Well, starting today, he is back.

I finally decided to return to school, and now I’m being tested by the universe. How am I supposed to handle school if I’m this stressed now?

Did I make the wrong decision?

I’ve had this nagging feeling I need to get a second job, go to school, start an Only Fans or something. Either make more money or put in the effort to make more money eventually.

And randomly, at two am last week, I found myself setting up an account. Sitting there waiting for an email confirmation, I get scared. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Perhaps I should have thought it through.

I just signed up for the closest community college, and classes start in two weeks. I am not ready.

I’ve been debating the possibility of returning to school since 2019. But I didn’t want to pay nonresident fees between moving states and getting settled. I got caught in a cycle of working, earning a paycheck, and spending that paycheck. I got a new job that distracted me with a 40hr and getting paid above minimum wage. I started to think that I didn’t need school.

But I stopped putting effort into things that mattered. My ice cream business, for example. Yes, it was winter, and some people don’t eat ice cream in the winter, totally fine. But why didn’t I start experimenting with flavors and consistency and trying to make my syrups?

I’m in the beginning stages. I need to take advantage of the people willing to taste test and give them everything I can imagine—jalapeño popper ice cream or pickle ice cream. I would never make those flavors, but I could have. I need to try a crazy, or else I won’t know it works. I need to start promoting myself as an ice cream business vs. just promoting myself as a person.

I’ll stop my rambling and crying now. I’m tired and need to sleep. I need to quit my job. Neither of those is happening tonight.

Posted in Health and Wellness

Working On My Fitness

After not being in a gym for an entire year, I finally restarted my membership and went to the gym. I hated it.

My old warm-up felt like an intense workout. I thought I was pushing myself too hard, too fast, but in reality, I wasn’t. My body has become used to little to no movement. My old warm-up wasn’t anything crazy either; it was basic cardio. I’d run on the treadmill or use the StairMaster for fifteen to twenty minutes. I’ve been dreading the stair master for a while because I fell and hurt my ankle, another reason I haven’t been working out.

Recently, I’ve become one of those people who can only work out in the gym. When I’m home, I feel like I have many more important things to do than work out. So not having a gym membership and not having the motivation to work out on my own at home has been hard for me.

The crazy thing is I used to have the motivation to work out at home. I would do yoga, follow along to a Chloe Ting video in my room, skate and run through my neighborhood. I used to have confidence in myself.

It seems like more and more I relate to my teenage self than an adult. I say this because it feels like my confidence and self-motivation are related to my self-worth. Unfortunately, my self-worth appertains to my appearance.

A lot of scientific research shows that being overweight causes an increase in major depression, bipolar disorder, and panic disorders. Of course, those mean nothing to me.

I’ve had these struggles with motivation and confidence before with activities like writing or Vlogging. I decided to do both of those activities only when I felt motivated. And now I don’t do them as often as I would like. I’m trying to grow my confidence in myself by working on myself.

So I’ve decided to treat exercise differently. Exercise differs from writing and Vlogging in one fundamental way: the degree of necessity. I try to force myself to find my motivation after a workout. Mostly exercises where I’m entirely disgusting, I mean feeling so out of breath and sweaty. I feel much better. I haven’t done enough of those exercises in a minute, so I will keep working on it until I do.

My favorite type of workout was Skating; it makes your butt look big and your legs get toned. The last time I tried skating, I had to take a 5-minute break every 10 minutes due to my legs shaking and feeling completely uneven. I want to start back skating, but I need to find my center of gravity again.

I know I will not be as good as last time, but my perfectionist’s brain tells me otherwise.

One of my best friends calls me a badass. I need to start believing it.

I’m a “I look cute at the gym in my matching sports bra and leggings” girlie. It feels weird wearing that when I’m bigger.
Posted in Health and Wellness

Future Female Fitness influencer?

We all know I’m not an active person. I’m not in shape; I’m just a shape. For those who don’t know me, I look like the kid from Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory.

So when my boyfriend reminds me of Tough Mudder, let’s say I’m less than enthusiastic.

Tough Mudder, the classic version, is a 15k obstacle course event. You run in the hills and perform obstacles straight out of American Ninja Warrior. You don’t have to run it because there’s no timer or competition, but if you don’t run it, then it takes forever.

My boyfriend and his friends do this annually for fun! They also do smaller events in between, and it’s always long and hot. Last year was so hot by the time they got to the obstacles there wasn’t even mud. It was just dirt.

Last year!

I’m not an outdoorsy person; I have never been. I’m a cuddle-up with a good book and take naps.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s incredible to watch if I wasn’t watching it for hours and hours. I honestly get burnt out on that spectator trail. I’ve personally never participated yet. I will be joining next year. I agreed to do it next year since I’d probably be there anyway.

I’d rather participate than walk the spectator route again. We did a terrain race last November, and it wasn’t terrible. It was also only three miles, and the obstacles I did were small.

So this will be a challenge, and I’m going to have to start working out. But luckily for me, the group has agreed to participate in the December event instead of their usual April to give me more time to prepare.

This year we did face paint for the team.
Posted in Health and Wellness

Talking Body

If we’re talking body- my body that is- I hate it.

No, hate is not too strong a word. Ever since I was young, I’ve felt discomfort with my body- I’m not transgender or transexual. I’m just physically and mentally uncomfortable in my body.

I’ll go about my day. I’ll feel fine, then out of nowhere; I feel stress and sick to the stomach mentally, and uncomfortable and uneasy.

Sometimes I feel like I was never meant to exist in the first place.

But lately, I feel really, really uncomfortable in my body. I feel super terrible about my weight. I’m starting to think my sister is right about being fat being my only personality trait. What else do I have going for me?

So I was recently looking at different ways to build confidence, and someone suggested a photo shoot. Now, if you know me, you know terrible at taking pictures. Not just like being behind the camera but in front of it too. Anything with the camera-count me out!! That’s one of the reasons why I really stopped doing YouTube and why I haven’t posted on my Instagram in like six months.

I definitely want to feel comfortable in my body again. I like to eat with no shame, but I lack self-control. When I am very emotional because I don’t want to burden anyone, I’ll eat rather than discuss my feelings. With that said, I don’t know what to do with my life. My family has a history of bad health, and I’m over here not taking care of my body, which makes my health risk even higher.

I don’t drink enough water or eat healthy enough. Let’s not get me started on working out. I had to cancel my personal training. This sucks because I finally got rid of the misconception was you only exercised to lose weight. I’d start a gym membership or look some wild “how to lose 30lbs in 30 seconds” on Pinterest. Then, beat myself up when it would fail. Now, I equate exercise with movement and movement with feeling good in my skin. Exercise isn’t just for my physical health but also for my mental health. My body & brain haven’t been feeling the best lately since I can’t afford to go to the gym. Working out at home is not the same.

I’m trying to exercise at home but not having someone guide me and motivate me is one of the many reasons I failed to keep off the weight before. I am going to try to believe in myself and accept that its going to be different but not bad. Tomorrow starts a new physical journey, using exercise and food to feel better.

I’m always going to hate my body. So I’m not calling this a self-love journey; I’m starting more like a self-tolerant journey.

Anyway, here’s a picture dump of all the pictures I was too scared to post on insta.

Also, it didn’t help I got asked if I was pregnant a lot since I started posting on my Instagram.

1 / 6